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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Mama2six · 31/12/2023 10:54

This man is a walking parade of red flags! Get rid and enjoy your holiday with your children

Darkandstormynite · 31/12/2023 10:56

Great opportunity to back out of the situation now.

He wasn't joking, he was testing the water. The lovely follow up text was seeing if he could repair the damage he'd done by overplaying his hand too early.

Remember that age old saying 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 11:04

It would be one thing if you had been complaining about your adult DC asking for hand outs and his comment came off the back of that but I strongly suspect you have said nothing of the sought.
The excuse of a joke is absolutely transparent as the window he feels he is looking in on at your financial situation.

It wasn't a joke.

I think you are a great mother and deserve much more than someone like this, I think you would be very wise to not go ahead with your NYE plans and enjoy it with your own little gang and meet up with him later in the week.

Well done for reinforcing your boundaries and good luck in 2024.

martinisforeveryone · 31/12/2023 11:08

Pretty much everyone's in accord here, which speaks volumes, plus @smilingeleanor has her guard up anyway and this thread just backs here up.

He sounds like he's resentful of your home and financial situation @smilingeleanor without any consideration of how you arrived there, compared to his situation through divorce. He wants to usurp your set up for his own children, financially with the holiday and spatially taking over your adult child's bedroom. They have their own mother, their own home, a second home and it's still not enough.

Erring on the side of kindness, I was going to say that he's thoughtless, and perhaps just enjoy his company but keep a level of distance between your home lives, but reading a PP's caution about if he found himself 'between homes' for a while, or other similar story, then I've reconsidered. The early warning signs certainly need to be kept first and foremost.

Having typed all that, I checked the thread and see it's moved on with your update OP. Well handled, not sure you need advice from here, but if it's helped reinforce your resolve, then it's all well said.

raspberrycardigan · 31/12/2023 11:12

I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back abit

Well, of course he's sent a lovely thoughtful message apologising for over-stepping boundaries! He's not an idiot. Has to reel you back in.

It's about as meaningful as an apology delivered with a bunch of red roses from the man who beat you up the night before. It won't happen again.

Marine30 · 31/12/2023 11:12

Stepping it back until the NY sounds like a very good idea. You sound very thoughtful and reasonable - jury is still out on him. Just be careful.

raspberrycardigan · 31/12/2023 11:16

PS. Well done on speaking up and holding your ground.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 31/12/2023 11:22

Whatever he says now his initial thoughts were that you needed his advice on how to utilise your own resources and he was absolutely entitled to tell you where you were going wrong.

After such a short time he had started to view your life as his to arrange, your property, money, as something he had a say in.

That's how he thinks of you, something, someone he has the right to guide, control.

Now you know...

Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 11:23

What business is it of his if you pay for your adult children to go on holiday, don't they deserve it when they've lost their dad? Bringing the family together is exactly what your husband would have wanted. I'm sure he's lively again now but why is he telling you how to spend your money and why has he got a 'thing' about them paying their way? My mum treats me and I'm 50 odd! I'm a widowed too I get it, it's hard and you are looking after 5 kids, you are amazing, I think you probably know the answer here which in fairness you kind of did when you posted.

PinkCandles · 31/12/2023 11:23

smilingeleanor · 31/12/2023 10:37

Thanks for all the messages

I did raise this last night when we went for a drink. He's adamant he wasn't hinting I pay for the boys but doesn't think he can afford to pay for him and them - but I did say on reflection he perhaps shouldn't come as too soon for my youngest. That seemed to be ok and he agreed as well.

  • he said his joke about the twins being paid for was more a comment about how I may be overly generous with my adult children - he's got a thing about me paying for things when they're working full time. So was trying to make a point that i'm already paying for people i shouldn't Xmas Confused

anyhow - i took the opportunity to say my finances are not his concern and i wouldn't be entering into any conversation or engage in a debate about my personal affairs and could he please stop commenting. He went abit quiet and nodded.

I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back abit

I really don't see what it has to do with him whether you pay for your adult dc or not. It's not his money. Anyway, it sounds like he's realised he'd better hide his opinions on that if he wants to keep you.

Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 11:23

I meant to say lovely.

Rockschooldropout · 31/12/2023 11:34

As others have said - he wasn’t joking , he was testing the water and now conveniently he says he can’t afford to come on holiday . You were right to say it’s not a good idea on that score … however .. keep your guard up .. the “kind message “ today is designed to reel you back in

Angelsrose · 31/12/2023 11:34

@smilingeleanor thanks for your update. It's so lovely to see a Mum being so protective of her children and also making it very clear to your partner that you won't be dictated to. You're an inspiration!

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2023 11:35

He was on his best behaviour for the first 6 months. He'll now go back to best behaviour for a while.

Ultimately he will always resent you paying for anyone who isn't him, and will always be overly concerned with your finances. And that is a best-case scenario.

He knows you are solvent and have a good job, and that is all he needs to know at this stage of the game. It is very concerning that he saw your finances as any of his business at all, when you are not at the stage of merging finances. Or that he has decided to comment on your relationship with your children and how you choose to spend your money on them.

I would put money on this being the tip of a horrible iceberg. Please be careful, OP. this is a massive red flag, and the fact he's been able to convince you to even entertain continuing the relationship is a measure of what a skilled manipulator he is.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 11:40

smilingeleanor · 31/12/2023 10:37

Thanks for all the messages

I did raise this last night when we went for a drink. He's adamant he wasn't hinting I pay for the boys but doesn't think he can afford to pay for him and them - but I did say on reflection he perhaps shouldn't come as too soon for my youngest. That seemed to be ok and he agreed as well.

  • he said his joke about the twins being paid for was more a comment about how I may be overly generous with my adult children - he's got a thing about me paying for things when they're working full time. So was trying to make a point that i'm already paying for people i shouldn't Xmas Confused

anyhow - i took the opportunity to say my finances are not his concern and i wouldn't be entering into any conversation or engage in a debate about my personal affairs and could he please stop commenting. He went abit quiet and nodded.

I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back abit

I don't understand - how is the way he's been acting caused by his "insecurities"? Unless he means his financial insecurities, that is.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 31/12/2023 11:44

@smilingeleanor but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back abit

in other words, he knows you’ve got the measure of him, or as we’d say in Scotland “fund oot”

Looks like you’re taking exactly the right approach…like others I can’t see the issue with being “overly generous “ with adult children. My philosophy, which I inherited from my parents, and they from theirs, if you can, then you do.

Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 11:45

Also what's insecure about wanting his boys to have your adult child's room? That's just presumptuous.

My mum had one partner who was stingy about her time with us and her money on us (not initially), and one, her current one, who is just the most generous lovely person, not with money but with supporting her in every way to look after our family. Allowing her to be the mum she wants to be, he's also lovely with his own family. One of these men (who seemed ok to start) nearly split up our family, one of them is a treasured family member.

martinisforeveryone · 31/12/2023 11:46

I forgot to add that I think it's for the very best not to have a joint holiday @smilingeleanor Everything considered I can't see that being a success and your DCs probably wouldn't feel as relaxed as they should. It would only open up more avenues for his 'insecurities' and if it were me, meaning if I were you, I wouldn't like my every spend being noted.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/12/2023 11:53

he's got a thing about me paying for things when they're working full time.

Sorry, but he doesn’t get to ‘have a thing’ about your financial choices-what an arse!

If their lovely dad was still around, would the two of you want to treat your own kids where you could? If the answer is yes, then why should anything change just because you’re with a jealous arse?!

wronginalltherightways · 31/12/2023 11:58

Shinyandnew1 · 31/12/2023 11:53

he's got a thing about me paying for things when they're working full time.

Sorry, but he doesn’t get to ‘have a thing’ about your financial choices-what an arse!

If their lovely dad was still around, would the two of you want to treat your own kids where you could? If the answer is yes, then why should anything change just because you’re with a jealous arse?!

This

It's none of his business. None Of His Business.

So what if he has 'a thing'. You're allowed to have your thing, and treat your adult children if you want to. It's your money, not his. Your relationship with them, not his.

Glad you're taking a step back.

raspberrycardigan · 31/12/2023 12:01

Also what's insecure about wanting his boys to have your adult child's room? That's just presumptuous.

Good point.

PinkCandles · 31/12/2023 12:02

So he wasn't hinting you pay for his boys, but he'd asked if they can come and now can't afford to pay for them if you aren't paying. Doesn't make sense.

Floopani · 31/12/2023 12:10

Well done @smilingeleanor, you did an amazing job of this. I suspect it is over for you now, that you're just taking your time to process it and that's fair enough. Your children are very lucky to have you as their mum.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/12/2023 12:12

He's adamant he wasn't hinting I pay for the boys but doesn't think he can afford to pay for him and them

So why did he suggest they came?

User5512 · 31/12/2023 12:15

RUN.
Even if you end up not running for whatever reason, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY, DO NOT MOVE HIM IN.

Best advice: RUN !!

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