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AIBU?

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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Merrymouse · 30/12/2023 10:50

I don’t think lying is necessary. Better to be honest about what you want from a relationship and to set clear boundaries.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 10:51

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

You really need to at least read the opening post before asking that.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2023 10:52

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

It’s probably better not to criticise people who have actually read the OP’s posts, when you haven’t bothered to do so.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/12/2023 10:54

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

Literally in the OP Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

exttf · 30/12/2023 10:55

COCKLODGER ALERT!!!
see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs
Well no, of course he's not going to play his hand too early is he? The first 6 months are all about sucking you in and getting comfortable with him, falling in love with him etc.
You aren't a millionaire and of course you have to work full time but you are still cocklodger gold. A financial stable woman with her own mortgage-free property is a magnet for unscrupulous types unfortunately. I am in the same position and you have to be very very careful.

He is divorced and they sold family home - he now has small (but perfectly nice) terraced house, he's mentioned a loan he has and i know he pays maintenance as well so our incomes - whilst similar - don't result in the same outcome

He's worked out he'll be better off if he gets together with a financially stable woman as they'll share costs he'll live off her and her husband's hard work, contributing a minimal amount

he definitely won't be proposing we've had no talk at all of him moving in or sharing lives together and that isn't what i want at all

You see, you say this, you don't want it etc. But these cocklodger types often move in by stealth. Unfortunately this happened to me - they are in before you know it.
What often happens is they have some kind of accommodation and/or employment "emergency". So if they are living in a rented place there will be some kind of problem with the landlord/housemates/whatever or if they own somewhere, difficulties paying the mortage. They might lose their job, always through no fault of their own, can't make ends meet etc. They might be bullied at work/suffer stress/quit their job because they can't cope etc - then the emotional pressure begins.
They need a place to crash for a couple of weeks until they can get something sorted/get a new job etc. Those weeks turn into months and then into a year because they get comfortable with the lifestyle the woman is providing and they don't feel guilty about it because after all, she's mortgage free and has savings.

i think on reflection too soon to be holidaying together. We're a more the merrier type family so boyfriends/ girlfriends/ friends etc always welcome to tag along and i think i got carried away with this. I think will say as it's too soon to have family holiday together

Good plan. But I think you should distance yourself from him. There are red flags all over this. He is far too interested in the money and apart from anything else, it's none of his damn business if and when you install new flooring and how you paid for it. It is also none of his damn business whether you choose to pay for your DD to come on holiday and BEYOND cheeky to hint/ask you to pay for his children.

I'd dump him OP.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 30/12/2023 10:56

I'd cut him loose. Asking for his kids to be given paid holidays after you've had them to stay twice! And worse, being nearly when he didn't get it. Definitely not getting better.

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:59

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 10:46

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home?

At the end of her very first post, Farmageddon ... "he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!"

Oh Jesus I totally missed the last line 😳Oops...

That makes him so much worse!

Daisies12 · 30/12/2023 11:02

That’s a massive red flag. I think you have no reason not to be honest about your financial situation. But it’s your situation, nothing to do with him. For your kids sake I’d proceed cautiously if your partner moves in anytime

wronginalltherightways · 30/12/2023 11:03

Make it clear, casually, that you will never remarry as you plan to leave everything to your children, and that is the best way to protect your own and their future.

He won't like that. Guarantee it.

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 11:03

I'm sorry @Jf20but your post made me think "this isn't just a Cockfosters, this is an M&S cocklodger. In other words a dedicated and super manipulative potential cocklodger.

Have you stumbled into the wrong forum? @RosesAndHellebores

You need the Mornington Crescent one !😂

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/12/2023 11:04

OP, your updates suggest you're going to continue with the relationship but will be more cautious.

Honestly - the very next time he makes a similar comment or suggestion you need to dump him. He's a walking red flag.

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 11:05

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 10:44

Where has the OP actually said that this guy looked up the value of her home? That's not what her posts say, and yet it's been repeated several times on this thread. This place is like Chinese whispers sometimes...

He knows she owns the house with no mortgage, and most people could make a ballpark guess of a house value based on location/size, but it puts a different spin on things to claim that he explicitly researched the value of her home.

Anyway OP, I hope your chat with him goes well, and you get some clarity on what you want to do going forward.

Last sentence on OP's post says "although he did admit to looking up the market value of the house".

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 30/12/2023 11:08

Consider this
"
He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since"

He is very definitely over invested in wanting to research OPs financial situation.

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 11:10

As someone who looks up houses on rightmove quite a lot I don't think looking up the value of your house is a big deal. Expecting you to pay for and prioritise his DC over yours or discuss finances is outrageous though.

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 11:12

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 11:10

As someone who looks up houses on rightmove quite a lot I don't think looking up the value of your house is a big deal. Expecting you to pay for and prioritise his DC over yours or discuss finances is outrageous though.

You do that? Start dating someone and then look up the value of their house?

MmedeGouge · 30/12/2023 11:13

doomday · 29/12/2023 19:36

Keep him at a very firm distance and as a boyfriend only to protect your children.
You are basically a golden goose so be careful.

This

Giggorata · 30/12/2023 11:23

exttf · 30/12/2023 10:55

COCKLODGER ALERT!!!
see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs
Well no, of course he's not going to play his hand too early is he? The first 6 months are all about sucking you in and getting comfortable with him, falling in love with him etc.
You aren't a millionaire and of course you have to work full time but you are still cocklodger gold. A financial stable woman with her own mortgage-free property is a magnet for unscrupulous types unfortunately. I am in the same position and you have to be very very careful.

He is divorced and they sold family home - he now has small (but perfectly nice) terraced house, he's mentioned a loan he has and i know he pays maintenance as well so our incomes - whilst similar - don't result in the same outcome

He's worked out he'll be better off if he gets together with a financially stable woman as they'll share costs he'll live off her and her husband's hard work, contributing a minimal amount

he definitely won't be proposing we've had no talk at all of him moving in or sharing lives together and that isn't what i want at all

You see, you say this, you don't want it etc. But these cocklodger types often move in by stealth. Unfortunately this happened to me - they are in before you know it.
What often happens is they have some kind of accommodation and/or employment "emergency". So if they are living in a rented place there will be some kind of problem with the landlord/housemates/whatever or if they own somewhere, difficulties paying the mortage. They might lose their job, always through no fault of their own, can't make ends meet etc. They might be bullied at work/suffer stress/quit their job because they can't cope etc - then the emotional pressure begins.
They need a place to crash for a couple of weeks until they can get something sorted/get a new job etc. Those weeks turn into months and then into a year because they get comfortable with the lifestyle the woman is providing and they don't feel guilty about it because after all, she's mortgage free and has savings.

i think on reflection too soon to be holidaying together. We're a more the merrier type family so boyfriends/ girlfriends/ friends etc always welcome to tag along and i think i got carried away with this. I think will say as it's too soon to have family holiday together

Good plan. But I think you should distance yourself from him. There are red flags all over this. He is far too interested in the money and apart from anything else, it's none of his damn business if and when you install new flooring and how you paid for it. It is also none of his damn business whether you choose to pay for your DD to come on holiday and BEYOND cheeky to hint/ask you to pay for his children.

I'd dump him OP.

Your post suggests that you're going to continue with this man, despite all the massive red flags. Possibly you now think that being forewarned is being forearmed. I hope that is the case, but…

I couldn't agree more with the above post. Please reread it.

I think that referring to him as your “partner” is also very significant. How did this happen after only nine months?
Either he has brought this about, or else you are the kind of very open trusting person that people like this see as easy prey.
”Partner” implies all sorts of commitments over and above “man friend”.
It already puts him into a different category of relationship.

Chancers are experts at applying the thin edge of the wedge.
Please remain very aware and very careful, OP

Farmageddon · 30/12/2023 11:52

Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2023 10:52

It’s probably better not to criticise people who have actually read the OP’s posts, when you haven’t bothered to do so.

Show quote history

Yes, thanks - I realise that now.

angieloumc · 30/12/2023 11:56

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 11:10

As someone who looks up houses on rightmove quite a lot I don't think looking up the value of your house is a big deal. Expecting you to pay for and prioritise his DC over yours or discuss finances is outrageous though.

Looking up the house value of someone you're dating is to me a bit off.

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 12:37

Jf20 · 30/12/2023 11:12

You do that? Start dating someone and then look up the value of their house?

Show quote history

Not after starting to date someone and not specifically to look at the value. I do look houses of people I know though if rightmove etc though. Also houses in my street and nearby if on sale. Just out of nosiness/interest rather than for a nefarious purpose.

exttf · 30/12/2023 13:04

angieloumc · 30/12/2023 11:56

Looking up the house value of someone you're dating is to me a bit off.

Show quote history

It is off.
What exactly is the purpose of doing that?
It's none of his fucking business.
He was probably on rightmove trying to work out when it had been bought and sold etc, to get a picture of the OP's finances. advanced skills cocklodger

And anyway, even if curiosity got the better of him, why the fuck did he tell her??

WelshMoth · 30/12/2023 13:11

You could always say that your 'money' is legally ring fenced; that both you and your late DH had a will that said that both your estate should only ever go to your 4 DC, even if you re-marry etc.

I wonder how long he'll stay around for OP. I get no pleasure at all saying this.

WelshMoth · 30/12/2023 13:11

Sorry - you're 5 DC.

coffeeaddict77 · 30/12/2023 13:19

exttf · 30/12/2023 13:04

It is off.
What exactly is the purpose of doing that?
It's none of his fucking business.
He was probably on rightmove trying to work out when it had been bought and sold etc, to get a picture of the OP's finances. advanced skills cocklodger

And anyway, even if curiosity got the better of him, why the fuck did he tell her??

Show quote history

The purpose would just being interested in the person he is dating. I don't think that is weird. Lots of people probably do that out of curiosity. Expecting her to give information on finances is very off though as is asking her to pay for him or his sons' holiday or have any priority over her DC for rooms in her house.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 30/12/2023 13:35

It's really sad, isn't it? You lose your DH with all the grief that entails, then meet someone a few years later who seems decent and compatible and you think about the possibility of a new loving relationship. Then just a few months later he starts showing his true colours.

Sorry for you, OP. It shouldn't be this way. But best to get rid of him sooner rather than later.