is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

He is trying to figure out how much of a golden egg are you OP.

Get rid

Just read what you've written. Do you REALLY need to ask our views? BTW where does he live? Renting a skanky little flat?

Why would his sons think that room was theirs when they'd only stayed there twice?

Come on, OP. Having sex with this man has confused you into thinking there are feelings involved. He is literally counting pennies when he looks at you.

Think of your husband. What would he have said about a man whose sons thought they could stay in his daughter's bedroom and she could sleep on an air bed? Is that why he left you the money, to pass on to a money-grabber?

Those 6 months of unexpected closeness, even if you weren’t sure that you were ready, must have been lovely after your loss. Don’t do what I did, and spend the next 20 years together trying to recapture those months. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him, keep your happy memories and move on. Or at the very least be very on your guard. He’s already undermining you, questioning your judgement and trying to impose his demands. It won’t get better, and if you were used to a decent man, as it seems you were, it will be difficult to give credence to all the women here with a different experience telling you to get the fuck away. But there truly are people in the world capable of being charming for a few months before they start twisting everything to their own advantage, and sadly it sounds like you’ve met one of them. Have you talked about your concerns with your adult children?

Apparently he's got a small but nice terraced house, with mortgage

Spongy and resentful.

Wealthy windows are a thing OP, I’m not saying you’re wealthy per se but it sounds like he’s targeted you with that in mind.

I expect he needs a bigger house for his massive fucking audacity.

I agree with everyone else op. Back off this one - no way is it his business how you spend your money!

Ugh. He's definitely more interested in the financial benefits he could enjoy more than you as a person.

I reckon he's looking for the moving in at the 12 month mark, but was too clumsy about it. Those pound signs were flashing up in his eyes the first time he came back to yours and he's spent the last three months trying to find out just how much of a prize he can get by persuading you that he's The One.
3 more or less grown up kids = moved out/due to move out (possibly with a little nudge from him, given time)

One the same age as his kids = 2 against 1, 'it's not fair on The Boys that he gets everything', one younger = easily drowned out or charmed into liking him,

Three kids off to university at the same time, leaving just the one he trains to like him - to even see as a father figure. Makes it harder for you to dump him and there's this house that's 'too large for just the three of us, why don't we buy something together? It's been years, you just dedicating yourself to the children instead of your needs (emotional tug on how difficult it's been for you) - it's about time to (yuk) move on'.

He's way too dicey.

Also he should not be having his sons spend the night at your place. It's way too soon and inappropriate.

Oh op, what are you doing, you know it isn’t protectiveness, cmon now. Why are staying in, as soon as he saw there was money to be had he put his hand out, he even tried to get you to not spend on your own kids. Who lost their father so young, so you could spend on his.

if this doesn’t cause you to end it, what will? I understand you are lonely and vulnerable but you need to get rid of this conman. He isn’t remotely lovely. He has no real feelings for you or yours. If he had, he’d not be asking you for money, as that’s what it was, a request for money, or wanting his kids in your daughters room.

Absolutely not. Get rid!! Asap x

I totally understand being protective of DC
But that doesn't cross over into being so nosey and suggestive about your finances. Don't let that be an excuse.

Actually, I can't think of any reaction that will undo what he has shown.

I posted here before about the distress caused to my late father by people he thought were long standing friends - they asked for money and said things like "your DC earn well, they don't need it, they're not having children".

Some people are always on the take, even after years of loyal friendship.

You have to be so careful out there with dating. When I bought my own home, there were a lot of "jokes" at work at how I'd increase in value on the dating market.

Many a true word spoken in jest, methinks.

and people will play a long game for money.

This is a bit tangential OP, but - I think if you've been in a long and happy relationship which ends suddenly in bereavement, and then eventually start dating, it's easy to quickly fall into a false closeness and domesticity. Even though you know rationally that it's early days, even if there are mixed feelings (for me, moments of panic about somehow overwriting my dead beloved); you still tend to behave as though this new person is someone with whom you have a long history, deep intimacy, and trust built over many years - because that's how you are used to being in relationship. It takes effort to keep over-riding that, and being clear, no, brand new, still barely know them. Or was/still is for me. Not sure if I've expressed myself very well, it feels hard to find the words, but important.

The holiday is the least of all the issues.

Is there a chance you are minimising his behaviour?
That you are setting a very small trap that he will sidestep and you will carry on?

By 'holiday' do you mean in the summer, rather than NYE?

Because although it's an issue, it is all the other things that are more important.

1 Looking up what your house is worth
2 Getting narky because he thinks you are secretive about your money
3 Making snide comments about how you can afford new flooring

Cut all the crap about him being protective of his sons.
That's not the point.
He was assuming they could stay and became all huffy when they couldn't have your DD's room.

To be honest, when you are only 9 months in, and it's not 'serious' I'd have though you'd either get a baby sitter and spend the evening (or some of it) together having a drink , not 'as a family' with your 4 kids and his two.
That sounds too much, too soon for something that may not last.

You're not a blended family and far far from that.

You need to take it slowly with anyone you meet. He's rushing and pushing.
I don't want to preach but after a long marriage (and I assume you're both in your 50s) you should be taking things slowly without having your kids tag along so soon.

Because, these men may not last and do you want them to be subjected to a string of 'mum's men'?

It won't be pleasant for them.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!

He is not for you. I saw this on SM and i think its fitting for this situation.

“Just because he is good your hole doesn’t mean he’s good for your soul”.

Joking aside, you have realised he wants to know how much of your money he can get you to spend on him. Throw him back and be blunt.

He’s eyeing up the house, any cash and probably planning a fall down the stairs for you. Ditch.

Sounds like your alarm system is functioning well. Run!

Urgh yeah I’d be concerned. Major red flag

The fact you e written this thread you know something is off. I'd run.

Tell him your children lost their dad, of course DD get her room over his sons, they can sleep in a tent if they want at this stage. How does he think kicking your DD out of her room on her family home helps? Oh yeh and he’s seeing how much of an easy life he can have with your income. Ka-ching

I just wanted to add that MN wisdom is not to expose children to new partners too soon or in too many 'family settings'.

IMO this is the same for teenage and adult children.
They will be grieving for their Dad too.
They don't want to have to cope with any bloke you meet who's around for a few months, then you ditch him or he you.

You say yourself it's too soon for a family holiday.
It IS!

And it's far too soon to start having family get togethers of any kind.

You're missing out on all the 'couple time' that people usually go through while they are still getting to know each other.

He's also a work colleague and it would be wise to bear in mind the fallout if it turns unpleasant.

SLOW DOWN

Show him the gate !

You don't need to ditch him but keeping it casual seems like the right thing to do for the foreseeable future. Your priorities and boundaries are spot on OP.

I wish I never told my leech of an ex about my inheritance I lost over 40k from him begging off me, always a sob story.
It's NONE of his business what your money situation is and he should not be asking I would distance myself this is a potential leech