To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

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At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

A 9yo can only do it if taught and facilitated by his parents, as you helped yours. Do you know if this has happened with this child?

Mine always pick out crap that we don't need or want, I task them with the wrapping instead.

Probably not.

So they never have to consider buying you a gift?

I might ask my 9yo to choose a present for a relative, but not to give just from her and not to pay. She doesn't have her own money anyway. I definitely wouldn't expect her to get me something. Us adults discourage giving stuff for stuffs sake, we do a secret santa at Christmas and light on birthday presents. I would prefer her to have that ethos but be generous with her time or make things for people instead. For birthdays both kids input to present choices from whole family.

How do you know if he’s got his ‘own’ money?

We all go to the shop together, my husband takes our DSS to choose something for me, I take him off to choose something for his dad. He needs guidance as otherwise we would end up with something he thought was a great idea but we would never use! This year his dad is in hospital and when we went to get his dad something, one of the things we got was a greatest dad mug and he asked if there was a mum one for me too, so he chose one and I bought it. He definitely wouldn’t have thought to do it if we weren’t getting something for his dad, but that’s fine. I would expect them to think of something more independently when they are more like 12.

It's perfectly normal for 9yos not to buy presents for people. Mine used to make biscuits or something. I wouldn't be rushing them into a load of unnecessary gift giving.

Not all 9 year olds have their own personal money and/or taken shopping (many adults don't even go to physical shops anymore and buy everything online).
These days a 9 year old is barely allowed to go round to the Co op by themselves.
For a lot of parents arranging this probably isn't even on their radar.

Well yes, making something is just as thoughtful. It's not always about money spent naturally.

I've had stuff DS has made for me before. Like, once he made me a cake for my birthday, and one time he drew me a picture of a dragon etc.

They can only do it if both parents or the school (PTA presents room) facilitate it.

Not something I would expect at that age no.

It's not about having money. They do have pocket money, that's not the point. They could easily have made/created something, or written a card or whatever.

I'm just wondering if it is 'expected' that a 9yo should give gifts to their loved ones.

It's none of your business.

I've been a single parent for 26 years. Nothing was ever bought for me because I didn't ask and we didn't have a family member to facilitate.

Was I upset? Of course not. I know our set up.

Stop stressing about what someone else's 9 year old did, or didn't do.

Then I think you were a bit harsh. Did you say something to him?

No.

My 9 year old crafts presents for me and her dad.

No, not mine. All three were excited to buy presents when they were a wee bit older, and had proper pocket money but we didn't go through the 'pretendy bit' when they were younger than that

My 7yr old is good at thinking what someone else would like or need. He picks it and we pay. My 5yr old gives a hug as a present from him. I think buying presents that someone else would like should be taught.

Yes we’ve always from about the age of 4 or 5 taken DS to choose presents, obviously I took him to buy for DH and DH took him to buy for me.

About age 13/14 he started doing this for himself using his own money and has carried on ever since. It’s not anything hugely expensive btw but always something thoughtful, this year he got me a book I mentioned a few months ago and a box of chocolates.

Hopefully he won’t have a wife posting on here in years to come that she’s been disappointed by lack of effort on Mother’s Day, birthday, Christmas etc.

Did your child ever give presents/drawings/cakes they'd made etc to other people?

It's not about the mum and dad or spending money. It's about them thinking of others and giving in an appropriate way.

But I guess I'm in the minority and there's loads of 9 year olds not having to think about giving to / thinking of others 🤷‍♀️

My kids always did their own Christmas shopping with DH.

When they were little and we were quite broke, they went to the dollar store and DH gave them $10 each. They bought for us, each other and their grandma. They were beside themselves with excitement and DH still says it was his favourite part of Christmas.

As they got a bit older, he took them to a shopping centre and the budget went up, but they did the same thing. Shopped, wrapped and presented.

I think it was nice to teach them to be givers and not just recipients.

My DS is the same age. DH and I get token gifts for us both from him (this is the only thing we get each other as we dont buy for each other anymore). DS will have some input into a suggestion of what to get and I think he went with DH to choose the chocolates he got for me. But he wouldn't pick something fully independently and he's a long way off us expecting him to actually pay for it himself.

Mine have never bought individual presents for me/their dad/grandparents when they were younger/living at home. I would buy stuff-on discussion with them-for DH and vice versa but the gifts are from all of us. As they’ve got older/moved away, they’ve chosen and bought their own gifts.

People do things in different ways-your way isn’t better or worse than mine.

Your child would not know to do this if you hadn’t taught him. Why assume everyone else does. Who takes on that role in a single parent family? What if they deliberately choose not to have children sending gifts?
Jeez there are enough threads on here about husbands who don’t buy never mind encouraging the children too.