To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

[00100001]

At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

We don’t do this. I definitely don’t need or want random crap chosen by my kids and paid for by my DH and then inevitably taken to the charity shop by me.

The last paragraph - fair point, and I say that as a "presents for children only" family. But I actually don't want presents. I'd rather do away with the whole tradition of it, so much hassle and often a waste of money/resources. (I am pretty cold hearted and logical and realise other people enjoy the tradition. I just can't be arsed with it.)

I am not quite Scrooge enough to inflict that on my kids though so happy to get them presents. I genuinely don't want any myself though. A picture would be nice but they draw for me anyway and I'd rather they were inspired to draw then felt obliged to.

Edited to undo autoformatting.

Why did you ask a child that op? Were you making a point? It sounds like you just like receiving.

Mine never at 9. It felt a bit daft basically giving them money to get me something when 1. I could go and buy it myself. 2. Who takes them to the shop? Me.

Now they are 16 and almost 13 so they went to the shops by themselves and bought me something this year.

This is my problem with "only buy presents for adults" as it completely gives the wrong message to children, IMO. Christmas should be about giving, as much as receiving.

They can pick out something for a younger sibling or cousin or for a charity toy collection. They can give something of their own they have outgrown. They can choose something for the foodbank. Giving needn't be back to the people who give to them.

Mine asked this year to buy presents, the older paid out of his own money. However, there is just so much to do this time of year that forcing it is just another thing parents would need to add to their responsibilities, not to mention the added cost. Being generous and thoughtful can be taught in many ways and shouldn't be pushed on to parents with the fear of raising adults who don't remember anniversaries or buy presents. Give people a break.

But it’s not about what you need or want. It’s about what the kids need and want.

We do it for birthdays but not Christmas, I never did it growing up but have still grown into an adult who loves buying presents for people.

My 9 year old doesn't, but my 16 year old does and has for about 3 or 4 years.

So at some point they do, and that's without being specifically taught from a young age.

I guess you model the behaviour, and when the child is old enough to have their own money and and go to the shops on their own, then they copy this.

Love isnt gifts. Love is a child doing a card of their own back. Because that's what they think to do.

That's a really good way to end up with a load of random tat.
I remember being dragged to the shops by a stressed parent on Christmas eve, going to superdrug and later Poundland and agonising over whether granny wanted bubble bath or handkerchiefs but after that I've only got 59p left so grandad gets a Twirl.(he probably did the best out of it)
Looking back I'm not surprised I had lukewarm reactions to the shit that I bought, especially for cold and distant relations and it was a rather futile gesture that just magnified that children can't choose presents well, often they don't know adults well enough (and that's fine for their development stage) and that not much money buys tatty shit.

The world has changed even more since then, with cheap (although ethically dubious) products and 24 hour online shopping adult gift giving has becoms even more difficult and pointless. I'd happily move away from gift giving towards secret Santa or something to avoid endless landfill tat anyway. I certainly will not be teaching my children that white orchid cheap bubble bath is an essential way to show love.

I agree OP, at that age the child should be taken out by the other parent or another family member to choose a gift for the parent. They need to learn that Xmas is about giving as well as receiving.

Otherwise they end up being one of the lazy fuckers SO often written about on here who do nothing for their wife’s birthday/Xmas/Mother’s Day. It’s sad.

They arent giving anything though. They are using someone else's money to buy a material good. Its transactional.

Sadly adults wanting gifts dint appreciate the gifts a child has available to give them. Hugs, leaves, soft toys, a drawing... Children want to give you their favourite soft toy, because its special to them and want you to feel special. They dont get why mum wants a particular bath product because its brand named instead of the happy sailor bubble bath because the sailor looks happy and they want mummy to be happy.

My girls are 6 and 9, and DH and I facilitate them buying something for each other and for each parent. And have done for a couple of years.

I'd wager a lot of the threads about other halves buying useless tat,. sometimes with the other partners' money stems from this performative, obligatory present giving financed by mum and dad.

There's about as much evidence for that anyway as the above assumptions that husbands who get nothing weren't forced into early present buying brainwashing.
I think it's for each family to work out what works for them. My husband got me a super present this year. He usually does. Every year he gets token pointless crap for his much richer sibling and parents. Even with my help. They've got more money than us, like brands we can't afford and buy things when they need or want them. And that should be fine. It creates no waste or stress. Every year I've tried to persuade them we don't need anything and every year everyone gifts pointless tat that only underlies how little we know eachother. Not a problem, again they live far away.

My husband gets me presents that work because he knows me well and wants to see me get something special. That's why it works. It just isn't the same with random relatives and I'd put a kid buying for adults into the same category where you set them up to fail.

Some years me and my husband agree no presents because we are giving eachother the gift of less stress and that's awesome too.

That's what I am going to gift myself when I don't force my nine year olds to partake in bollocks. The gift of time and chill.
It's just what I wanted.

They arent giving anything though. They are using someone else's money to buy a material good. Its transactional.

They are. They’re taking the time to choose and wrap a suitable gift. The famous MN mental load. It’s irrelevant who pays.

They actually don't otherwise there wouldn't be so many threads about DH/DP not buying gifts for the OP every year.

Women learn because if you haven't by the time you are an adult you will have social pressure applied to you.

Men don't have the same social pressure which is why the threads turn up every year.

You know they can make presents?

My DD's arty creations go to specific adults. So I am now used to being told a nice model/painting/drawing isn't for me but an OAP adult friend or family member.

I have always encouraged dd to pick presents for her grandparents and her dad. Her brother and sister are my dsc so that is down to my ex (her dad) usually. She has sometimes used her own pocket money to buy little bits.

This year I challenged her to save a minimum amount so she could buy all her own gifts. I told her if she saved the full amount I would match it. She focused, worked hard and saved what she needed to. I matched her savings. She then chose and paid for all her gifts when intook her shopping. She chose, bought & wrapped everything and was so proud.

Nothing was overly expensive but they meant soooo much to everyone. And it meant so much to dd that she had done it all herself.

However, I know a lot of people who don't do this yilntheir kids are older.

Ultimately neither approach is right or wrong, just different.

You do you @00100001 and let others do them.

DH and I don't get for each other so I certainly wouldnt expect DC to get for us. For Christmas anyway. And I don't get birthday presents at all (by choice). I suppose we could get them to start picking their own stuff for DH's birthday.

I would want it to be by choice though and not by any expectation.

I don’t and won’t do this with my children . It feels very fake and forced. I’m a believer in modelling behaviour, and they can see me give thoughtful gifts to my husband and him to me, choosing gifts for their friends’ parties, making a fuss of each other’s birthdays by baking cakes, decorating the house, cooking nice food etc. I think it’s rubbing off on them, because our four year old is forever pretending it’s my birthday, pretending she’s making me a cake and singing happy birthday, making me cards, wrapping and giving me pretend presents etc.

I might add my parents never did this with me either, and yet I absolutely love giving gifts and put a lot of effort into it. I think I learned from watching my grandmother who loved gifting - it gave her great joy.

I do absolutely insist on thank you cards for presents though, and my four year old always sits with me when I write them, sometimes she adds a drawing etc. I’ll do the same with her brother when he’s old enough.

I've tried to teach my kids this. My 3 year old chose bleach for DH's birthday. I'm hoping he may have refined his skills by the time he's 9.

Yabu because you clearly think your way is so much better and that kids should be taught to buy arbitrary tat and that parents who don’t do the same are not parenting “correctly” you’re coming across very judgmental
Personally I don’t want my kids taught that at all
Christmas and other celebrations are about quality time and connection not gifts. They don’t need to do that and it centers the gift giving too much if you’re making a big deal about it
so it’s a no from me.
if you want to do that with your kids fair enough but don’t presume everyone should buy into it

I think you have to be careful with this sort of thing. You can accidentally create an unhealthy desire to please in a child if you teach them from a young age to try to win people’s affections/ approval with gifts, or if you expect this of them.

It’s quite sweet if they want to, or if another adult takes them out to choose a present, but it shouldn’t be an expectation that a child will do this. There’s plenty of time in life for the present giving guilt and obligation to set in.

Id be especially careful if the child is a girl (I can see not in this case by in general).

But why does it truly matter whether a child buys a parent a gift, using the parent's own money?? Children can be kind and thoughtful in so many other ways; they should show this in actions taught by parents, rather than buying some plastic tat that takes up space and will eventually end up in landfill. A home-made card would be nice, though. Stop slating a child because they weren't brought up in a way that you want kids to be. 😁