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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

213 replies

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:03

At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 29/12/2023 17:50

No, I wouldn't expect a 9yr old to give presents to people. My 9yr old got something for is best friend, but for us as parents, we buy the adult presents and they choose one from the pile to give to the other parent. My 14yr old made me some jewellery, but I wouldn't think the others should need to do anything.

AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 17:51

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 29/12/2023 17:44

No, you are totally wrong in your assumptions.

Show quote history

3 4 2 offers you said. Not seeing something you know the person will love, or looking for something specific you know they want. Buying for the sake of buying is never something I would personally encourage.

Desecratedcoconut · 29/12/2023 17:51

I first got presents for family when I was ten and allowed out to the shops with a friend. I couldn't stop talking about how cheap it all was, with amazement - as though everyone had been making a big deal out of nothing. Every woman in the family got a boots special 3 for £3 bubble bath and all the men got a Toblerone. With the money that I could have spent but didn't, I was around the body shop like supermarket sweep with stuff for me🤣

Not sure I learned much that year.

thebestinterest · 29/12/2023 17:54

I think the practice of forcing gift giving is a little tasteless, honestly!

BIossomtoes · 29/12/2023 17:57

thebestinterest · 29/12/2023 17:54

I think the practice of forcing gift giving is a little tasteless, honestly!

It’s a lesson that needs to be taught. Why on earth is teaching a child how to give a present “tasteless”?

Deadringer · 29/12/2023 17:57

Our dc didn't buy us presents until they were in their teens, they buy us lovely generous presents now as adults so I wouldn't worry about it.

Mamasperspective · 29/12/2023 17:59

A 9 year old isn't the same as a working adult and can only buy gifts for people if an adult facilitates it. Christmas is about the kids anyway, I would much rather not get a gift from a child then, when they are old enough, them decide to get me something because they want to and because they appreciate me, not because they have been conditioned into it.

RedRobyn2021 · 29/12/2023 18:00

I've done something similar with my DD this year she's almost 3, I think it's important to gift as well as receive.

Saying that, it's quite high expectations of a 9yo, it's down to the parents. I never got gifts for my family until I was an adult.

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2023 18:00

In my family we tend to give presents to the children, but not so much the adults at Christmas. My children give gifts from them on other peoples birthdays, but to buy three more little gifts for DH and three more little gifts more me would be OTT in my opinion. There are also lots of grandparents (don't ask!) and many aunts/cousins and cousins DC. It would get crazy if the DC were giving gifts too. When my DC we're old enough to have their own money and go shopping by themselves they started to buy us Christmas gifts.

Birthdays are different though, and my DC always chose things with for close adults.

Every family has a different way of doing Christmas, and some not at all.

Barrante87 · 29/12/2023 18:03

I think modelling thoughtful gift giving "I think I'll get Grandma these this year because I know she's starting knitting again..." and when they're a bit older involving them in the conversation is adequate to teach them the skill of gift giving. I don't think that making them actually choose, wrap and present specific gifts from themselves is necessary especially at Christmas.

The only time I would insist they choose/make something is Mother's/Father's Day when old enough as that's specifically a holiday for them to show appreciation to a parent.

For birthdays perhaps encouraging making a card would be nice but at Christmas I wouldn't be bothered about anything. There would be so many people to buy for. I can just imagine them sat there with a face like thunder while they're forced to draw their fourth dragon for the next family member. I think that gifting drawings etc randomly when it comes to them is nicer.

HelloHellebore · 29/12/2023 18:03

I’m not sure I follow the OP’s argument here. Is the OP saying that 9 year olds should think of others in any which way they can (and so a cumsumable gift is fine), or is the OP saying 9 year old should give adults the same type of gift that adults give 9 year olds (unlikely to be a consumerable)?

Emma2803 · 29/12/2023 18:04

My kids are 8, 5 and 2, the bigger two choose presents for eachother and the little one (I choose something for them from her) I also help them choose a present for their dad. I think it's kind and they really enjoy doing it. We did it when we were little but I know some of my siblings don't do it with their kids, I don't think it's unreasonable either though, every family is different 🤷🏻‍♀️

ValkyrieAssassin · 29/12/2023 18:04

TBH OP it sounds like you are looking for kudos for being a much better parent than whoever the parent of this 9 year old is.

Cantalever · 29/12/2023 18:05

I am totally with you on this OP. Why would a 9 year old not be expected to think about other people and presents they might like?
When my brother got married his wife took over all present buying (a shame as he was brilliant at choosing just the right gift and making you feel special and thought about). She on the other hand bought generic things - the same for everyone, without considering them individually. (Think earrings for pierced ears every year, though my ears were not pierced, etc.) She also bought cards and gifts for her sons to give, they never even knew what they were and didn't care. My nephews are adults now, and never bother. They weren't involved as children, or expected to be considerate of other people, not just about presents, but generally, and little involvement was expected of them. Its a shame as they are now rather selfish people.

You on the other hand OP are bringing up a delightful boy who will make someone a wonderful partner one day. Your approach is definitely the way to go imo. @🌷

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 18:05

Mother's and Father's Day. Eldest currently picks but will have to have the smalls help him soon. Last year I got three unicorn toys from the charity shop, DH got a Spiderman action figure.

pointythings · 29/12/2023 18:05

All families handle gift giving in their own individual way. There's no right and wrong. So don't judge.

whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 29/12/2023 18:06

Our 19 year old doesn't even get anything for us

AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 18:11

I think paying for children to buy presents as well as adults would quickly make Christmas unaffordable for many. We only buy for children and elderly, not so much an equal exchange like some families seem to do. I don't get much, and I'm happy with that arrangement. I received as a child and I hope I'm thought of when I'm old, in between I'm not fussed!

funinthesun19 · 29/12/2023 18:15

Not something I’ve ever thought of regarding my kids and not something I ever did as a child.

I have an almost 9 year old and I’m sure he’d probably like to give adult family members some presents, but at 9 years old it’s not his responsibility to give grown arsed adults a present that was bought in a shop. And it’s money that I would have to spend just for the sake of it.

If he wants to make someone something like a drawing or card which he so often does then I’m all for that. He’s very creative and to me that means more. I’m sure my parents (his grandparents) would rather receive a handmade item than materialistic things from a shop.

I find the idea that a 9 year old owes an adult a present really crass. Like, grow up fgs.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 29/12/2023 18:15

AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 17:51

3 4 2 offers you said. Not seeing something you know the person will love, or looking for something specific you know they want. Buying for the sake of buying is never something I would personally encourage.

Show quote history

Again you are totally wrong in assuming you knew what my children had bought for people, you are saying they bought tat when you don’t don’t have a clue. My children buying a chocolate orange or a tube of hand cream for a grandparent at Christmas was well received and enjoyed as they loved the thought and gesture. You can encourage or not encourage what you like, I could not careless.

willingtolearn · 29/12/2023 18:17

Gift definition: a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.

So not given due to force, or obligation, or even custom.

I would prefer anyone giving me a gift to be doing it willingly - I am very happy for this to mean that I get very few gifts.

You are talking about creating expectations of performative and transactional gift giving.

I'm not a fan of that for myself, other adults or children.

Heatherbell1978 · 29/12/2023 18:19

I have a 9.5 DS. He doesn't get pocket money and we don't allow him to go to shops alone so no I don't expect him to buy gifts. We also try to keep things simple and avoid accumulating crap in the house so to be honest I would prefer he didn't.

AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 18:21

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 29/12/2023 18:15

Again you are totally wrong in assuming you knew what my children had bought for people, you are saying they bought tat when you don’t don’t have a clue. My children buying a chocolate orange or a tube of hand cream for a grandparent at Christmas was well received and enjoyed as they loved the thought and gesture. You can encourage or not encourage what you like, I could not careless.

Show quote history

You said you thought it a shame that others don't do what you do then change your mind and say you couldn't care less? We simply have different values we want to encourage.

Danascully2 · 29/12/2023 18:21

Gosh the last thing I need in the run up to Christmas is to remember to take the children to buy presents...
I absolutely expect them to be thoughtful of others in general though and always get them to do thank you notes.

AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 18:22

willingtolearn · 29/12/2023 18:17

Gift definition: a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.

So not given due to force, or obligation, or even custom.

I would prefer anyone giving me a gift to be doing it willingly - I am very happy for this to mean that I get very few gifts.

You are talking about creating expectations of performative and transactional gift giving.

I'm not a fan of that for myself, other adults or children.

I agree, I don't think these are good values to teach.

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