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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

213 replies

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:03

At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

OP posts:
Original poster
00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:35

Chypre · 29/12/2023 16:26

When I was 9 (and that was a loooong time ago...) we would make/draw Christmas cards or ornaments as gifts for the adults, but that was it.

That's good, it meant you were thinking of others and giving.

Didn't have to be a ££££ just the thought of others

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 16:35

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:33

The parent can take on the role to buy for GPs/aunts/cousins etc...

Show quote history

Lots of families are actively trying to cut back on extended family gift-giving - we only bought for nieces/nephews and the cousins never bought for each other.

Christmas becomes something of a massive tat festival if all kids have to buy small gifts for each other.

Original poster
00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:35

WhatIsHeThinking · 29/12/2023 16:31

I teach mine about offering help or making a consumable, rather than more unwanted crap giving.

So presumably that's what you gave your child for Christmas? Something consumable or helping them do something?

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 29/12/2023 16:36

Is there ever a thing that is too small upon which someone is happy declare themselves a superior parent on MN?

Original poster
00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:36

Hairychristmas · 29/12/2023 16:29

We don't really do adult gifts in our family due to waste, unnecessary hassle etc.. I wouldn't want my kids going out to choose something for me/DH/granny etc just for the sake of it.

So, presumably you gave nothing to your child for the "sake of it"?

OP posts:
Original poster
00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:37

Desecratedcoconut · 29/12/2023 16:36

Is there ever a thing that is too small upon which someone is happy declare themselves a superior parent on MN?

🙄

We're allowed to be different and ask questions ...

OP posts:
AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 16:37

It's not somewhere I would encourage unnecessarily. We only buy for children and for some family in their eighties. Otherwise we prefer to just eat good food and see family at Christmas.

margotrose · 29/12/2023 16:37

YANBU.

These responses make me realise why there are so many threads on here from upset parents whose teenagers haven't bothered getting them a card for their birthdays.

Of course a 9yo is more than capable of drawing a picture or making a card, or going to the shops to pick out a gift (even if the parent pays for it, it's the thought/process that counts).

SurpriseSparDay · 29/12/2023 16:37

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 16:33

I think different families do things differently and there is no fixed right or wrong here.

Yes - families vary - but there’s definitely a right and wrong with all the countless threads full of women, mostly mothers, who strive to make Christmas for everyone else but wake up to nothing at all from their children (or other children they’ve cared for) - purely because some other adult has completely neglected their responsibility to oversee it.

thisfilmisboring · 29/12/2023 16:39

SerpentEndBench · 29/12/2023 16:20

If the child hasn't been taught to, how can you be disappointed in the child? Be disappointed in the parents/carers.

Or how about not being disappointed in anyone, not being so judgemental and accepting that people just do things differently.

My daughter was probably around 8 when she started asking if she could help buy/wrap her dads and other relatives presents. She just wanted to do it. My son is really not as interested, however will always help his sister pick and wrap their dads presents.

FuckingHellAdele · 29/12/2023 16:39

IS this not how you raise kids, so that they consider others and learn that giving gifts is also a nice thing to do?

No wonder theres so many posts about 'my partner never bothers to think about me on my birthday/christmas' etc!

Well despite not doing this particular thing with ours, they have all grown up to be very kind and generous, not only with gift giving, but also with their time and general behaviour. So perhaps there is slightly more to it, who knew?

Kat200669 · 29/12/2023 16:39

My children don't buy for me, u always get something for their dad on their behalf and vice versa. However they do both pick toys for local charities every year and every single time they go to a supermarket they choose something for the food bank. For us, Christmas is about the kids.

MyBlueDiary · 29/12/2023 16:40

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 16:35

Lots of families are actively trying to cut back on extended family gift-giving - we only bought for nieces/nephews and the cousins never bought for each other.

Christmas becomes something of a massive tat festival if all kids have to buy small gifts for each other.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this. The environmental and financial costs of normalising everyone buying for everyone are enormous. There are plenty of ways to think of others without buying tat.

OP, you've no idea what this boy's set up is and what's the norm in his family re gift giving. For all you know he's been drawing beautiful pictures for his parents, helping around the house, etc etc- much better and more meaningful than going to a shop to choose something with someone else's money.

Desecratedcoconut · 29/12/2023 16:40

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:37

🙄

We're allowed to be different and ask questions ...

Show quote history

Yeah that's what it's all about, just observing the differences and about how those differences make us better people

Honestly, rein it in.

Hairychristmas · 29/12/2023 16:40

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:36

So, presumably you gave nothing to your child for the "sake of it"?

Show quote history

Huh? The kids don't have enough of their own money to buy the things they want, the adults do. In our family us adults find it easier all round just to buy ourselves the things we want, instead of asking others for them. So any gifts would just be for the sake of it, not especially wanted/needed and a hassle for other people to organise. Kids don't have the means to just get things they want, so not really comparable.

SpecialCharacters · 29/12/2023 16:41

I don’t recall doing this until my teenage years.

Crunchymum · 29/12/2023 16:42

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:07

So they never have to consider buying you a gift?

Show quote history

No. They aren't old enough to shop independently and taking them to shop so they can choose some at for their dad is just an extra chore for me.

They make cards, help with wrapping, bake birthday cupcakes for grandparents etc

TadpolesInPool · 29/12/2023 16:43

My 9 and 12 year old don't give presents. In the past they made them at school and that was lovely. But neither is crafty or enjoys drawing (both have dyspraxia) so they rarely give those as presents (although they have in the past for grandparents).

I honestly don't care. I didn't get a single present this year and I'm happy with that! Instead we have 2 days out planned as a family and on a day to day basis I spend lots of time with my children.

Both boys are considerate and help around the house. They also help with cooking and have made me cakes for my birthday before now. But DH and I don't really give each other presents either.

Our love language is time spent together. Not objects.

Same with their grandparents. We live overseas. They enjoy time with us not objects.

AceofPentacles · 29/12/2023 16:44

DS is autistic so doesn't get the "good feeling" from giving a gift; if he had to choose something for someone else, he'd choose something he likes. However we do get him to practice giving gifts (to mum and dad) because it's a social custom he needs to know about.

JanglingJack · 29/12/2023 16:45

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:14

Did your child ever give presents/drawings/cakes they'd made etc to other people?

It's not about the mum and dad or spending money. It's about them thinking of others and giving in an appropriate way.

But I guess I'm in the minority and there's loads of 9 year olds not having to think about giving to / thinking of others 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

What other people are you talking of?

People do live different lives to you. You know?

KissTheRains · 29/12/2023 16:45

My 10 year old has never bought me a present.
I sometimes ask what shes got me for my birthday or Christmas and she quite logically says,
"How can I buy you anything? I don't have any money."

If a kid under like 14/15/16 whatever buys a gift for a parent or carer, it's ulikely the kids idea or the kid buying it, it's the other parent / carer pushing the kid to do so.

AvengedQuince · 29/12/2023 16:46

Hairychristmas · 29/12/2023 16:40

Huh? The kids don't have enough of their own money to buy the things they want, the adults do. In our family us adults find it easier all round just to buy ourselves the things we want, instead of asking others for them. So any gifts would just be for the sake of it, not especially wanted/needed and a hassle for other people to organise. Kids don't have the means to just get things they want, so not really comparable.

Show quote history

Yes, the same for some elderly family we visit. They do have money but may not be able to get out and visit markets, or different shops, or get online. So we buy for them but don't expect anything in return.

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 16:46

SurpriseSparDay · 29/12/2023 16:37

Yes - families vary - but there’s definitely a right and wrong with all the countless threads full of women, mostly mothers, who strive to make Christmas for everyone else but wake up to nothing at all from their children (or other children they’ve cared for) - purely because some other adult has completely neglected their responsibility to oversee it.

Show quote history

Yes there are some families where the parents are not on the same page, but that's a different matter.

I will change my sentence to there is no fixed right or wrong so long as the family as a whole is happy with what they do

muddyford · 29/12/2023 16:47

As children my sibling and I bought a little present for both parents, all four grandparents and each other. Loved the secrecy of choosing something (with the other parent), smuggling it to our rooms and wrapping it. Probably did it from about 8 in my case and 5 in my sibling 's, who wanted to do it if I did it.

JanglingJack · 29/12/2023 16:47

Just count your stars OP as they're getting dull.

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