To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

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At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

The care less comment was aimed at you and just you for the comment about what would you would not encourage.

A 9yo can only do it if taught and facilitated by his parents, as you helped yours.?

Indeed. You can tell it to the 9 year olds parents if you think he’s not up to speed. They’ll appreciate your input I’m sure 😂

I had this conversation recently. It is definitely not the norm now. It's all about the children and no expectations from them to think of others. I'm 54 and my siblings and I pooled our money, as children in the 70's, to put a present for each parent under the tree,and also for each other. I did have the advantage of siblings 5 and 9 years older than me. I have a 13 yearold who gives presents to parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I help him choose. We wrap together. He hands them out. I pay.

What you think is a 'shame' applies to our family too. Christmas is about so much more than gifts to us.

It's all about the children and no expectations from them to think of others

My DS thinks of others right through the year in day to day life. I don’t see why him not giving shop bought gifts suddenly means he doesn’t think of others. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I agree with you OP.

On Xmas eve, my conversation with my 6yo and 9yo was about which presents they were most excited to GIVE the next day. I absolutely have always considered it a task (driven by me), to make sure they pick out presents for each other and DH. Soon after starting to open santa presents on xmas morning, they stopped and insisted on exchanging presents with each other first, as they were excited to see each others reactions.

It doesn't need to be loads of unnecessary stuff - DS picked me a bottle of shampoo.

This is my problem with "only buy presents for adults" as it completely gives the wrong message to children, IMO. Christmas should be about giving, as much as receiving.

Exactly, thinking of others is about all the small everyday actions, not a thing you buy from a shop in December.

If the parents haven't taught him to do so, then you can't just expect them to wake up one day and "know". So you are being unnecessarily harsh to the child as it is not their fault how their parents chose to bring them up.
Also, if the parents still maintain that presents are from Santa, it's only reasonable to expect that the child would be under the impression that Santa "services" the parents too.

Very good, pleased for you.

Nah, I don't need Christmas gifts from my DC. We make and bake things for the grandparents, that's good enough for me. My DC around that age don't get pocket money anyway. What a weird thing to post about.

The DS started giving gifts to us at Christmas after starting secondary school but probably only on his own at age 13/14

I think YABU.

At that age I only remember choosing xmas gifts when I was literally taken out xmas shopping by a parent. Otherwise I wasn’t allowed shopping by myself and I wasn’t given pocket money.

I’m also wondering if your expectations are a bit unrealistic based on you claiming your child has been choosing gifts since 2/3. I have a 3 year old and he doesn’t even ask for things for himself yet, or fully get xmas/bdays - let alone ‘choose’ gifts for other people!

No. I disagree. Although my DD 9 bought a Christmas card for me and her Dad and wrote the loveliest message. That truely came from her.

'Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!'

Yes, children should get a present for their parents. They can make, bake, grow, etc. I would be shocked if a child didn’t have something to give. Christmas and birthdays are about giving.

We have four children and every year will take them to a shop to pick a gift for mummy and for daddy. Even if it is a bar of chocolate, I want them to do something selfless at a time of year when they get so much.

A child of that age can only do what has been modelled to them and what it has been facilitated and taught to them to do.

I always told DD to buy something for her dad at school Christmas shop so she started in reception. For his birthday I take her to the shop to pick him sweets/treats(he has a massive sweet tooth) and she knows his favourites and looks for them. OH takes her shopping for my bday and Christmas and has been doing so since she was about 4.

Now that she's older it's just habit and actually asks if we don't mention it at all. "What am I getting daddy this year?" "When are we going shopping for mummy?". She's happy and excited to give us gifts and watches our faces to see if we like it etc.

None of that organically happens though. It takes time and work, so I wouldn't blame a 9 yo (or even older child) for not doing it .

I think this too

I also ask my children to choose a charity to donate to at Christmas and on their birthday

You are coming across as a bit of a busybody, I'm afraid...

I'd have thought at that age most kids would be doing handmade presents/cards? Mine did.

Presumably that was behaviour learned, modelled and encouraged by you though.

the child the Op is slating doesn’t have that encouragement.

Think this is just a really personal thing. With my stepdaughter we tend to just make a card or gift to give to her dad, I know when she’s at her mums stepdad gives her money to order something. I wouldn’t think she would want to spend her own pocket money (she’s 12) on uncles etc. but she did spend her own money to buy a coat for her new baby brother, which made me cry! We aren’t big gift givers beyond immediate family anyway. I wouldn’t want her to grow up thinking she needs to spend money on everyone, it gets expensive and just isn’t how we do things and make sure she never feels pressured to do gifts, cards etc. Means that it means the world when she gives us gifts or drawings as it wasn’t done out of any obligation she might feel.

None of that organically happens though. It takes time and work, so I wouldn't blame a 9 yo (or even older child) for not doing it

Thats the key.

and what makes it so interesting that the Op is speaking about the 9yo in that tone, rather than the parents of the child.

I’d be horrified if my nine year old was spending their limited pocket money on me, as far as I’m concerned that’s well out of line. The other parent can buy stuff from the kid, but no I’d not expect a child to buy a parent presents, and I find the fact you even asked a child that incredibly odd. Most folks ask a child what they got for Xmas. It’s just so grabby.

In our immediate family, the children have always chosen a gift they want to give the other members. It meant I once got bananas for Christmas. But it's lovely! This year my youngest (10) got me a "the wheel" board game because he knows I like the show.

We don't expect the kids to pay for it out of pocket money!

This year my 14yo went Christmas shopping with grandma. I gave her £60 to get something for the each of us, and came home with the £60 as grandma bought them all!! Win win

They learn from seeing others give, there is plenty of time later for them to give, not everything needs to be a life lesson.