To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

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At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

I see it as part of their "how to be a good human" training. They aren't able to do it independently and we pay because we don't want them to resent sacrificing their own money for others (yet; that will come when they're older). But they've been involved since they were tiny, even when it was presenting two options and buying the one they smiled at.

It's the thought that counts.

Same principle as getting them to help in the kitchen, even though it takes longer. And we make sure the big supermarket shop has a bag light enough for each of them to help carry it in, although it'd be easier to do it ourselves. They need training in being good humans.

I told my teen to please not get me another house plant as I have too many, and that I don't need anything. He saw some mistletoe that had come down in the wind and brought that home for me knowing I'd like it. Thought needn't mean bought presents.

001 I hope I read it wrong and you don't expect single parents to get their dc's to buy for other relatives. At the very most they only need to buy for their parent. Single parents have enough to do.

The only people my daughter buys gifts for are her school friends.

Much prefer to teach my children it isn’t just about presents and Grandparents are just thrilled to be spending time with them over Christmas.

I actually think that if more parents took the time to teach their little ones about being thoughtful and buying, or making, gifts for others, the world would be a happier place. As someone else has said, we often see threads about selfish husbands who haven't bought for their partners or wives, but perhaps they weren't taught either. I've often said over the last 20 years or so, that parents are so busy trying to keep up with everything else, that they tend to seek the road of least resistance when it comes to their children, and that rather than taking the time to do their job as a parent and teach their kids, they end up doing everything for them, because it's quicker or easier. Maybe this is another of those situations, where parents are so busy chasing their tail, buying everything they can think of to spoil their kids, that they are missing out on a teaching opportunity, which could make their children nicer, more thoughtful, human beings as they get older. It can also be a really lovely sharing moment with your children, when you take them out to buy a Father's Day / Birthday / Christmas gift for their other parent. Maybe if you haven't done it up until now, this is the year to start?

Absolutely! Mine bought with money given them for that purpose, first just for parents and siblings, then for aunts and grandparents.

When they had more money, they were proud to do it without being subbed.

Now they are considerate gift givers, club together for bigger items, and generally have that skill set.

When they were little and DH was away, I facilitated them buying for me by taking them to a small shop, walking round with them to explore what was there, then turning my back while they chose and paid (with money I’d given them). The eldest helped the younger ones. I ended up with things like earrings and keyrings.

It’s a skill they need support to learn.

At nine, I probably didn’t. My mum and dad were still trying to convince me that Santa was real, after I’d started questioning it (we did all presents from Father Christmas, not stockings from Santa and the rest from others). But obviously birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Day etc, I’d be expected to at least proactively choose a gift (I think my allowance was roughly 20p a week, so I wasn’t going to be buying anyone anything!).

However, I clearly remember saving my advent calendar chocolate through December from the age of 7 or 8 and divvying them up to make little parcels of choccies for them both, so they would have some themselves (seeing as Santa Claus always filled my stocking with chocolate but never gave them any, and I thought that was unfair). So I think the lesson about the joy of giving over receiving was definitely underlined for me!

My kids never bought presents at that age. I have never put much emphasis on presents and they always just got a couple of presents each from us parents on birthdays and Christmas. Sure, they made cards and decorations at school but they weren’t given as presents. They are adults now and we have stopped Christmas presents completely but we do buy each other birthday presents. There are so many other ways of showing appreciation than present giving in my opinion.

I wouldn't expect a present off a child no.

Being thoughtful needn't mean gifts. Sometimes being thoughtful means not buying gifts for someone who doesn't want anything. There are many ways to be thoughtful. If my child sees something he knows I'll love and brings it home then I am happy, if he gives me nothing the following year I don't mind.

But I guess I'm in the minority and there's loads of 9 year olds not having to think about giving to / thinking of others 🤷‍♀️

It’s coming across that you think all kids who don’t give presents to their parents are nasty selfish things. Which is most odd. My children are lovely year round, thinking of others day to day by being a good friend/child/student/sibling/citizen. I never even thought they might buy me a gift….

Oldest is 8 and so it’s up to me to have that idea and facilitate it. So. No reflection on my kids.

One could argue that you seem on the materialistic side.

We didn’t get the kids to do that this year. There wasn’t the budget for it. At school they used to have a secrets room at Christmas where you sent gifts in and they bought gifts. But since then no.

Fine.

YABU! I don't have a partner, my DS never got me anything until he was old enough to go shopping himself. And I didn't expect anything either. I don't need gifts from my young child!

And actually I do not buy gifts for anyone at Christmas apart from DS and my mum. I can't afford to. We're not all well off.

I taught my kids from being very young, say 4/5 years old that Christmas was also the time for giving gifts as well as receiving. I used to take them to the super market or boots for the 3 4 2 offers. They used to wrap these and give these out when they got theirs. I think it is a shame some parents don’t do this as it is good life lesson and encourages social skills. YANBU.

Mine are mid teens and still don't. We live rurally so they wouldn't be able to shop off their own bat, and I wouldn't want them spending their own money. DH takes them to buy little bits and bobs for me at Christmas and birthday, but he pays and whose name goes on the label is random (or it's from the cats). For him I usually buy the things and they help wrap.

But we aren't big on expensive presents for the sake of it, or things that people don't actually want. Consumables and maybe a couple of second hand books is about our level - and then we buy each other a few bigger things that the person has actually chosen.

Our favourite thing is disguising items so the person can't guess them. That does take some time and effort......😀

But I guess I'm in the minority and there's loads of 9 year olds not having to think about giving to / thinking of others

You’re in the minority thinking that a young child should be capable of something that many adults struggle with when said 9 year old hasn’t been taught how to do it.

I would say that at 9 child should be encouraged to think of others somehow and be involved in choosing presents if possible. DD usually did us a card at primary and it was fine. I agree with you OP in principle but things can go wrong (money issues, illness), there are different family circumstances so I won’t judge this family on the basis of this one situation.
Also it could be that the child thought literally - he was involved in present buying or even card making but he didn’t give separate personal present to his parents, hence his answer to you.

To buy thoughtless tat that will likely be regifted?

This. Giving presents to adults is a waste of time and money.

No, you are totally wrong in your assumptions.

I'm one of 5 and was the only one that gave people presents as a small child. I saved all my pocket money and even badly embroidered handkerchiefs. I've just always liked giving people gifts. It has not changed and I'm now something of a nightmare. I don't think it's down to the parents at all from my single example 😂.

I think 9is a good age to start buying or making presents I know I was. I remember someone at work saying that she didn’t expect her teenage boy to buy and presents for people I thought how sad.