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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 9½ year old should be giving Christmas presents to mum and Dad

213 replies

00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:03

At the very least, choosing something for them and another adult paying.

I was asking a child I know what they got their Mum and Dad for Christmas and he said "Nothing"... I was about surprised that he didn't even go Tina shop with the other parent and choose something he thought they might like.

My lad has always chosen something for his grandparents, cousin and aunty. Ever since he was about 2/3. So we'd go to the sweets section in the supermarket and he'd choose something for each person, we'd make sure he wrapped it up and most importantly was the one to hand the present over. And when he got older around 5-6, he would specifically look for something he thought they would like and I'd pay. And from around 8 he would use some of his own money to pay part of it, then from 11/12 he'd use just his money.

Was I too harsh? Or is it normal that 9year olds don't get presents for people?

OP posts:
ActDottie · 29/12/2023 16:17

No definitely wouldn’t expect it at that age.

MargaretThursday · 29/12/2023 16:18

I think I was 9 or 10 when I decided I didn't want my parents choosing, wrapping and giving my presents without any input from me. Most of the time we didn't even know what was inside until the recipient opened it.

I didn't get pocket money or generally other money so I saved every penny I found on the floor, or was given, asked my granny for 20p instead of getting me an ice cream for the next year, and brought my own presents to my families' surprise. It was difficult, but very satisfying. Even getting into a shop to buy was a challenge as we didn't go to the shops without a parent.

I had an older sister who would have been young teenage and it never occurred to her to object. I think, if anything both my siblings found it far easier just to let that happen. The next year my parents have us a press t allowance at Christmas and I seem to remember both being unimpressed at being expected to do that.

Silvergreenblue · 29/12/2023 16:18

To parents and siblings perhaps. But not aunties and grandparents. I would expect joint presents to be bought by parents for them with their names included in the gift tag.

Reugny · 29/12/2023 16:19

onestepfromgrace · 29/12/2023 16:17

Your child would not know to do this if you hadn’t taught him. Why assume everyone else does. Who takes on that role in a single parent family? What if they deliberately choose not to have children sending gifts?
Jeez there are enough threads on here about husbands who don’t buy never mind encouraging the children too.

Did you noticed the OP said "he".

Guess this is where boys who are future husband and partners don't learn why getting/making presents for people matters.

ClottedCreamScone · 29/12/2023 16:19

I would be horrified to have a nine year old spend their pocket money on an adult relative, but I think it’s nice to get them involved in choosing presents for others so that they can learn how to do it when they’re old enough to start buying.

SerpentEndBench · 29/12/2023 16:20

If the child hasn't been taught to, how can you be disappointed in the child? Be disappointed in the parents/carers.

drspouse · 29/12/2023 16:20

My DCs first school has a present room where the children spend £1 per present on presents for adults (donated by parents, max 2) and the Y6 wrap them. DS is no longer there but his second school has this too (but he was only there one Christmas and was excluded in the last week before Christmas and a half day was tacked on which was this half day even though he'd coped well with this in the previous 3 years).

His current (specialist) school has a Christmas market with gifts the pupils make and he got my gift there last year.
Now we encourage them also to ask to be taken into town to buy us gifts. They usually take us up on the offer but no big deal if they don't. DS got me a bath bomb and DD something from the school present room (though actually I can't remember what!)

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 16:21

I do the same as you. My 4 year old chose socks for everyone this year because he saw some avengers ones. I'll offer alternative suggestions if necessary but it's usually something practical or edible.

But if nobody has ever done it with him, I don't think a 9 year old would consider it.

Nandocushion · 29/12/2023 16:21

We never asked or expected anything from our two. Frankly, I wouldn't have wanted anything a 9yo picked out. They are now 16 and 18 and this year went out on their own and bought us gifts of their own accord- really good ones! - and I'm glad we never forced the issue before.

PurpleStarRising · 29/12/2023 16:21

I think it's good to get them involved, whether the gift is exclusively for them or not. We do it with our children so they get something for parents and for siblings. On occasion they've paid for it but more often we pay because they don't get a lot of pocket money. I really want to teach them about thinking of the other person and what they might like. And to know it's not just about what they get themselves.

I don't think it's something that everyone should feel they have to do. It just works for us. Especially as we don't have big family Christmases so they won't see other people buying us stuff so much.

onestepfromgrace · 29/12/2023 16:21

Reugny · 29/12/2023 16:19

Did you noticed the OP said "he".

Guess this is where boys who are future husband and partners don't learn why getting/making presents for people matters.

Show quote history

Of course I did that’s why I wrote him

newcusions · 29/12/2023 16:22

I just buy something and write each of my children's names on it. I prefer to go shopping when they're at school/nursery.

Janetinthebath · 29/12/2023 16:23

I agree with you, OP. Children need to be taught the joy of giving, as much as the joy of receiving.
I can vividly remember the little pot pouri dish, bottle of bath soak, evening primrose photo frame and knitted teddy that I bought my parents and siblings from the school Christmas fair, aged 8. My mum gave me £5 and off I went. I have no idea what I received that year, but the joy of buying, wrapping and giving my own gifts has stayed with me!

Reugny · 29/12/2023 16:26

MargaretThursday · 29/12/2023 16:18

I think I was 9 or 10 when I decided I didn't want my parents choosing, wrapping and giving my presents without any input from me. Most of the time we didn't even know what was inside until the recipient opened it.

I didn't get pocket money or generally other money so I saved every penny I found on the floor, or was given, asked my granny for 20p instead of getting me an ice cream for the next year, and brought my own presents to my families' surprise. It was difficult, but very satisfying. Even getting into a shop to buy was a challenge as we didn't go to the shops without a parent.

I had an older sister who would have been young teenage and it never occurred to her to object. I think, if anything both my siblings found it far easier just to let that happen. The next year my parents have us a press t allowance at Christmas and I seem to remember both being unimpressed at being expected to do that.

My DD who was 4 did that last year.

Any money she found on the street or home she saved.

She then bought presents for myself, her dad, 3 other people who has been nice to her in the year and a toy for herself.

As everyone was very happy with their presents this year she repeated it but also told DP to give her his loose change jar. 😂

She's not realised she had about 5 times the money and most of it has ended up in her savings account.

Chypre · 29/12/2023 16:26

When I was 9 (and that was a loooong time ago...) we would make/draw Christmas cards or ornaments as gifts for the adults, but that was it.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 29/12/2023 16:27

My 3 year old went shopping with dp this year for me. He was beyond excited to go and pick something, wrap it and put it under the tree.

I wouldn't expect him to buy gifts with his own money at 11/12 though.

Hairychristmas · 29/12/2023 16:29

We don't really do adult gifts in our family due to waste, unnecessary hassle etc.. I wouldn't want my kids going out to choose something for me/DH/granny etc just for the sake of it.

SurpriseSparDay · 29/12/2023 16:29

I’m with you, @00100001. Was brought up being taken by one parent to buy a gift for the other - every birthday / Christmas / Mother’s or Father’s Day. So that’s what seems natural to me. And a reflection of one parent’s care for the other - as well as the proper way to teach children by example.

It seems astonishing to me that other parents might not bring up their children like this. (A home made gift would be equally acceptable if finances or preference determined that.)

Londonrach1 · 29/12/2023 16:31

Tbh it's more normal for a 9 year old child to make a present rather than buy a present.

WhatIsHeThinking · 29/12/2023 16:31

I teach mine about offering help or making a consumable, rather than more unwanted crap giving.

Janetinthebath · 29/12/2023 16:31

Age-wise, I personally would do it like this:

Wrap and hand over a gift ‘from them’ (purchased by parent) before age 7 or so.

Age 7 - 14 (or whenever substantial pocket money is given) Purchase gifts for others with money given by parents.

Age 14+ use pocket money for gifts (but only cheap ones - box of chocolate or smellies is fine, up until they have a job)

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 16:33

I think different families do things differently and there is no fixed right or wrong here.

Original poster
00100001 · 29/12/2023 16:33

onestepfromgrace · 29/12/2023 16:17

Your child would not know to do this if you hadn’t taught him. Why assume everyone else does. Who takes on that role in a single parent family? What if they deliberately choose not to have children sending gifts?
Jeez there are enough threads on here about husbands who don’t buy never mind encouraging the children too.

The parent can take on the role to buy for GPs/aunts/cousins etc...

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 29/12/2023 16:33

We certainly did think about gifts and were involved in the making/creating/buying etc of gifts for others at that age and earlier.

It was all age appropriate, so no one was expecting a 5 year old to find the money for a present - but we'd have discussion about what would Mum/Dad like, what might Grandma enjoy etc and then as we got older we might contribute some pocket money towards a gift, wrap things etc until by 11/12 ish we'd be buying, wrapping etc all by ourselves.

IS this not how you raise kids, so that they consider others and learn that giving gifts is also a nice thing to do?

No wonder theres so many posts about 'my partner never bothers to think about me on my birthday/christmas' etc!

Angelsrose · 29/12/2023 16:35

I think 9 years old is definitely old enough to pick out a present for parents even if the child cannot afford to buy the present themselves. The child does need to be guided by the parents though so I think the child is entirely blameless in this scenario.