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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have intervened to save the dinner?!

221 replies

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:49

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:52

I'll add that he gets really anxious about making the dinner for some reason, like he's trying to create the perfect Christmas meal for his older two kids. Which I get, and so I wanted to help him, but I just felt it wasn't really appreciated by him (although his son seemed grateful for my plan at least 😂)

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 26/12/2023 12:53

I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently.

That is the point you should have left the room and poured yourself another drink and turned the TV up.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:53

@LittleGreenDragons haha point noted 😂 I have a drink in hand in the other room typing this 😂

OP posts:
LaundryWoes · 26/12/2023 12:53

I think you’re right, but on the day is not the time to try and fix things. Maybe see if you can have a chat about it in the next few weeks, then again in the autumn as you’re starting to make plans.

FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2023 12:54

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:52

I'll add that he gets really anxious about making the dinner for some reason, like he's trying to create the perfect Christmas meal for his older two kids. Which I get, and so I wanted to help him, but I just felt it wasn't really appreciated by him (although his son seemed grateful for my plan at least 😂)

Maybe have a quiet word with his son, and suggest he makes a list with timings next time. DH didn't listen to you but he might listen to his son.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 26/12/2023 12:55

I think you're right, without a plan it would just be luck for everything to have been ready at the same time.

However, you don't know what they would have dove without your interference. Possibly have got the turkey out early but checked it and seen that it needed longer. Maybe got to withing half an hour of serving time then quickly worked out what veg needs to go on when. Etc.

I think most people learn best by failing or nearly failing. Admittedly I'd rather they didn't fail at my Xmas lunch but they'll learn nothing from this. Can't win. Hope it was nice.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2023 12:56

If you hadn't have intervened you wouldn't have had raw turkey. He got it out because you came in and questioned him getting it out
So he got it out.
Then you told him he was still wrong and to put it back.
So he put it back.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:58

LaundryWoes · 26/12/2023 12:53

I think you’re right, but on the day is not the time to try and fix things. Maybe see if you can have a chat about it in the next few weeks, then again in the autumn as you’re starting to make plans.

Yes good point. To be fair I did say last night as we were sat relaxing watching TV, do you want to write down a rough plan for timings tomorrow for the meal now? He was like nah, it'll be alright. So I did try.

His son was much more receptive to the help / feedback today tbh, which is good!

Next year I'm banning this Boxing Day lunch unless I see DP's full detailed itinerary in advance 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:59

Would most people have a plan for this though? Like a written plan with timings? Or is this just me? I assumed this is was normal but I could be wrong!

OP posts:
sweetpickle23 · 26/12/2023 13:00

Honestly if I was stressed in a kitchen cooking and someone came in asking a load of questions and telling me how I was doing it wrong I’d tell them to piss off.

I’d have a plan, yes, my DP probably wouldn’t- but if he offered to do the cooking I’d leave him to it.

OneTC · 26/12/2023 13:01

I wouldn't stand by and watch a dinner get ruined but anything short of that I wouldn't intervene.

I don't tend to cook with a detailed plan but then I'm confident in the kitchen which it doesn't sound like your oh is

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:04

Yeah he's not overly confident but there's something about the Boxing Day dinner that I think makes him put pressure on himself to make it "perfect" for his kids. I do tell him to relax and it's only a dinner and it will be fine etc, but it's just the way he is.

I don't have a plan for a normal everyday meal, I'd have it in my head but not necessarily written down. But for something like this where I'm cooking 8-9 different things with various timings I definitely would need to see it on paper. But that's just how my brain works I guess.

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 26/12/2023 13:05

I don't have a written plan and I cook for more than 10. While the turkey cooks, most other items are prepped, then they start cooking while it rests.

I thoroughly recommend a digital meat thermometer to ensure the turkey is fully cooked.

BTW, what did you eat yesterday?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/12/2023 13:06

I think you should have left them to it. It sounds like he only took the turkey out when he did because you asked the question and it made him second guess himself. He did actually know how long it needed.

If vegetables are undercooked, it really isn't the end of the world...I actually prefer my carrots that way personally, but regardless, the meal doesn't have to be perfect. As long as it isn't going to poison anyone, it isn't that big a deal.

I think you should have resisted the urge to try and take over, and left them to learn their own lessons.

Isittimeformynapyet · 26/12/2023 13:06

What did he think of the veg last year? Did he learn anything?

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:06

Interestingly, his son is actually training at college to be a chef and I said "I'm sure even professional chefs would have a plan for something like this", he said "well they'd have done the prep the night before I reckon" 😂

I was like, Yep! - tell your dad that! (in my head obviously😂)

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:07

hedgehoglurker · 26/12/2023 13:05

I don't have a written plan and I cook for more than 10. While the turkey cooks, most other items are prepped, then they start cooking while it rests.

I thoroughly recommend a digital meat thermometer to ensure the turkey is fully cooked.

BTW, what did you eat yesterday?

We ate a Christmas dinner yesterday but we went out to a restaurant for it, we always do on Christmas Day. Then DP cooks us one on Boxing Day.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:08

Christmas Dinner two days in a row? WTF!

LegoHeads · 26/12/2023 13:10

If I were your partner I’d have found this incredibly annoying and controlling. I’m a very organised cook but some people prefer to wing it- he told you he didn’t want your help but you intervened anyway. If he’s cooking, he’s going to do it his way. If you want to decide how it’s done, better to do it yourself.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:10

Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:08

Christmas Dinner two days in a row? WTF!

We're a blended family - DP likes to have the same experience with his older kids on Boxing Day that we had the day before with my eldest and our toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:11

Isittimeformynapyet · 26/12/2023 13:06

What did he think of the veg last year? Did he learn anything?

He thought it was fine. The carrots were crunchy. Like just a fraction above raw from the fridge, crunchy. I don't personally like my veg like that, but each to their own I guess.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 13:12

You can cook a 12kg turkey in four hours.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/12/2023 13:13

I need to write it down…but this year dh cooked it all beautifully with no time plan. Different strokes….

rainbowunicorn · 26/12/2023 13:13

Finlesswonder · 26/12/2023 13:08

Christmas Dinner two days in a row? WTF!

This is not all all unusual, plenty of people that I know have the roast Chistmas dinner on boxing day as well. It is not usually quite as elaborate as the one on Christmas day but would still have turkey, stuffing, pigs in blankets potatoes and veg. I normally prep enough veg so that it does both days.

OnlyFannys · 26/12/2023 13:15

I don't have a written plan but I know rough timings in my head as I cook roasts fairly often

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