To have intervened to save the dinner?!

[lalaland2024]

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

You didn’t intervene, you interfered. Nothing more annoying than a well-intentioned person making it clear you’re not working to their standards or doing things the way they do it

This. There is nothing to suggest that dinner needed saving.

NHS worker married to NHS worker. One of us often had two Christmas dinners on the same day when working round shift patterns and different families.

I always have a written plan.

If my DH cooked Christmas dinner, we’d have “courses” the carrot course, now the potato course, oh, turkeys ready, the turkey course etc! He’d never get it all on the table at the same time.

It’s sweet of your DP to want to ensure his kids have a traditional dinner with him. I think your stepson would like a plan next year!

Yes! Thankfully you've seen the lightheartedness and no drama intended nature of my post 😅

Hahahahaha. This did give me a laugh.

'Behaving like his mum' would have involved getting slaughtered on wine before 12pm, making highly inappropriate and offensive remarks to the entire family, and then leaving before dinner was cooked, not to be seen again until the following Christmas (or until she needed money off us, whichever came first)

I would give up on life if I ever started to behave remotely like his mother.

We eat just the 2 of us (see family before/after) but we still follow my mum's step by step instructions

We don't have loads of parts though, just the turkey, roasties, pigs, veg and gravy

Realised reading this that we forgot the flipping Yorkshire puds! They're in the freezer but forgot to put them in, probably because they weren't mentioned in the aforementioned instructions!

The OP wrote:

' We ate a Christmas dinner yesterday but we went out to a restaurant for it, we always do on Christmas Day. Then DP cooks us one on Boxing Day. '

then wrote

' We're a blended family - DP likes to have the same experience with his older kids on Boxing Day that we had the day before with my eldest and our toddler. '

But that is not the same experience !

So why aren't you all in a restaurant today ?

Stepson played a blinder too, bless him! He also was the one to remember to take the frozen gateau out of the freezer to defrost! He will make a fabulous chef (and husband one day I imagine!) 😀

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

Well.... DP would have happily cooked both days tbh. I prefer us to eat out on Christmas Day as I find it far less stressful, particularly with a toddler who is overexcited and wants both mummy and daddy to play with her when she opens her presents, hence one of us being tied up in the kitchen all day isn't ideal. This way, we get the best of both worlds - one of the days is relaxed and eating out with neither of us having to cook or wash up, and the other day DP gets to do his chef thing and make the dinner for us all. Win win.

I'll add that he gets really anxious about making the dinner for some reason

Mmmmm can’t think why he has anxiety?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

You'll note my second comment was in fact in response to someone querying why we'd have two Christmas dinners back to back. That's why - because DP wants to replicate the traditional turkey dinner for his kids too who are at their mums on the day itself. I didn't mean replicate the experience exactly down to every last detail - just the having of a family christmas dinner.

Make sure you keep today's plan for next year, saves having to write it all up again. I even have a plan as to which food goes in which serving dishes!

He carries a lot of guilt about the breakdown of his marriage, he left when the kids were quite small (his wife ended it). So he's always quite anxious to make a fuss when they're with us, it's been this way for a lot of years now.

No. It’s not a complex or critical task to cook a roast. Cooking times can vary by about 10%. At 4 hours out of timed 5 hours you get it out and start checking if it is done. You have tons of time to do the trimmings.

A crunchy carrot is a small price to pay for harmony and family bonding. It’s not about the food. It’s about a family

Haha I suspect DP will be putting my plan in the log burner later tbh 😂😂😂

Sounds like they were doing just fine "haphazardly chopping veg" with no intention of taking the turkey out until you came in questioning, confusing, they doubted themselves and took it out. This is exactly where the line "too many cooks spoil the broth" comes from.

Leave them to it. They'll learn if they make a mistake, the same way we all did.

I cook quite complex meals sometimes with lots of elements (because I am enjoy it) and I never write out a plan, tho I do think it out to some extent I suppose.

I'm not quite sure what the point of your thread is (and I don't mean this rudely at all - it's an interesting thread to read and I am glad you started it) in the sense that you don't seem to be questioning your choice to write the plan for them? You seem to feel confident it was the right thing to do? And I presume your husband is not in any sense upset by you doing it?

My husband and my mom both have form for offering "helpful advice" sometimes when I am cooking, which I do find slightly micro-managing, tho I try not to react too badly to it, knowing they are just trying to help. It can spoil my enjoyment of cooking to a certain extent however.

In response to this, I am exceedingly careful not to micromanage my own daughter when she is cooking (as I recognise in myself an impulse to be controlling) - since she started cooking aged about 10, I forced myself to stand back and let her do it her way unless she specifically asked for help or there was something she genuinely didn't know, such as that we had a certain ingredient in the cupboard or how some equipment works or whatever.

In consequence (I think) she is now an incredibly gifted cook for her age and it is something we hugely enjoy doing together now.

Sometimes, it worth risking a few culinary mistakes, in my opinion, to keep our loved ones happy and loving what they are doing. The main point of your boxing day dinner I think was as something your husband and his son could do together to show their love for each other?

So it doesn't sound like your intervention was essential. But if it didn't upset either of them, and the meal was nice, no harm done!

@Ilovelurchers

Yeah it definitely didn't upset anyone - that wasn't the point of the thread. I was just wondering what the norm was, that's all. Like I say they actually seemed appreciative of my plan after the fact, just not necessarily at the time!

DP and DSS did a great job anyway and it was a lovely meal! ☺️

I didn't have a written plan yesterday but had a mental plan of when things needed to happen, everything was ready at the planned time

When a man offers to help or give kind advice there are some on here that nastily call it 'mansplaining'.

It was probably more stressful for him to have you repeatedly offer to help and he may have felt undermined when he wanted to prove to everyone and most importantly to himself that he was capable of doing it.

How will he learn if he doesn't make mistakes?

Next year I expect he will take you up on your offer to help but after making it clear once that you were on standby to help then you should have stepped away.

God I hate people like you 😅

Honestly OP all your questions and interfering would have caused me more stress! Just let him get on with it, I never write down a plan when I’m doing a big meal or baking a large cake, I figure timings out in my head and just on stuck in, extra people/hands just get in the way and increase my anxiety/stress. I think you should have just left them to it.

God I hate people like you

Gonna assume I wouldn't much like "people like you" either, so we're even👍🏻 😃

Having a written plan most definitely isn't normal! If that works for you fine but stop expecting your DP to do the same and stop interfering. He won't learn if you keep meddling and you seemingly nitpicking is probably stressing him out more. You offered your help and he said no so leave him be.

Fair play, I didn't even know you could get turkey's that small.

An egg.