Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have intervened to save the dinner?!

221 replies

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:49

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

OP posts:
Teenagehorrorbag · 27/12/2023 23:12

YANU! For every sunday lunch I look at the weight of the joint the night before and work out the timings, with a plan to get it out half an hour before we eat and let it rest while the roast spuds and other things go in the oven, and I can get veg on the hob. The joint timings are written down.

For Christmas I have been known to write a detailed list of exact timings for stuffing, pigs in blankets etc but don't any more. We are lucky to have inherited a 1970s hostess trolley when we bought this house, and it's a godsend about three times a year when I feed larger numbers. I heat the plates and gravy dish in there so my top oven is free. I can then cook carrots, parsnips, stuffing, pigs in blankets and boiled spuds and put them in there to keep warm, so everything else is easy. Just the roasties, yorkshires, greens and gravy to do during the last half hour - all stress free.

But how anyone can do it all off the cuff is beyond me! Maybe a really great chef or experienced cook - but your DP does not sound to be that person so yes - he needs a plan! DSS is your friend next year.....😁

BigButtons · 28/12/2023 04:27

I always do basic working backwards timings- usually on a bit of scrap paper.

Ilovecleaning · 28/12/2023 05:00

I sympathise with both you, OP and your DH. Make a note in your diary now for next year: a week or two before Xmas help DH to:

  • make and freeze Jamie Oliver Get Ahead gravy
  • - prep, blanch and freeze carrots and sprouts
  • parboil, par roast and freeze potatoes.
Allow DH to take all the credit.
Ilovecleaning · 28/12/2023 05:02

PS - a large turkey can be left to rest for an hour while the rest of the dinner is being finished.

GothConversionTherapy · 28/12/2023 05:56

Ilovecleaning · 28/12/2023 05:00

I sympathise with both you, OP and your DH. Make a note in your diary now for next year: a week or two before Xmas help DH to:

  • make and freeze Jamie Oliver Get Ahead gravy
  • - prep, blanch and freeze carrots and sprouts
  • parboil, par roast and freeze potatoes.
Allow DH to take all the credit.

Ugh treating my partner like a child like that would give me the ick forever. "And he did it all by his himself, like a big boy," barf

Ilovecleaning · 28/12/2023 06:26

GothConversionTherapy · 28/12/2023 05:56

Ugh treating my partner like a child like that would give me the ick forever. "And he did it all by his himself, like a big boy," barf

Show quote history

Well don’t do it then 🤣

Whyohwhywyoming · 28/12/2023 06:39

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:59

Would most people have a plan for this though? Like a written plan with timings? Or is this just me? I assumed this is was normal but I could be wrong!

I don’t have a written plan with timings. I know how long it takes me to make different elements of a roast and what I put in when and I just mentally adapt it to accommodate the extra items and the reheating. I’ve never written Christmas dinner timings down!

Weenurse · 28/12/2023 07:29

I would look at it as father and son bonding time.
Hopefully son has learned to clean as you go and the kitchen does not look like a disaster area
My DH has been known to use every pot and pan in the house for a simple meal, let alone Christmas

Scarletttulips · 28/12/2023 07:54

I would look at it as father and son bonding time

Not OPs job.

Shes already interfered enough.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:38

UnNiddeRides · 27/12/2023 13:09

I’m familiar with the concept of a conversation. I’m also familiar with additional information being disclosed later to bolster a sense of justification. That’s a drip feed.

YAWN

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:38

Scarletttulips · 28/12/2023 07:54

I would look at it as father and son bonding time

Not OPs job.

Shes already interfered enough.

😂

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:39

BigButtons · 28/12/2023 04:27

I always do basic working backwards timings- usually on a bit of scrap paper.

Yep, seems to make sense to me 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:39

Ilovecleaning · 28/12/2023 05:02

PS - a large turkey can be left to rest for an hour while the rest of the dinner is being finished.

Yes, to be honest I didn't realise how long it could "rest" for - was surprised it needed as long as an hour 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:41

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/12/2023 23:12

YANU! For every sunday lunch I look at the weight of the joint the night before and work out the timings, with a plan to get it out half an hour before we eat and let it rest while the roast spuds and other things go in the oven, and I can get veg on the hob. The joint timings are written down.

For Christmas I have been known to write a detailed list of exact timings for stuffing, pigs in blankets etc but don't any more. We are lucky to have inherited a 1970s hostess trolley when we bought this house, and it's a godsend about three times a year when I feed larger numbers. I heat the plates and gravy dish in there so my top oven is free. I can then cook carrots, parsnips, stuffing, pigs in blankets and boiled spuds and put them in there to keep warm, so everything else is easy. Just the roasties, yorkshires, greens and gravy to do during the last half hour - all stress free.

But how anyone can do it all off the cuff is beyond me! Maybe a really great chef or experienced cook - but your DP does not sound to be that person so yes - he needs a plan! DSS is your friend next year.....😁

Yes exactly - this is spot on! Some people could wing it without a plan for timings but as you say, a decade of knowing this man means I know he cannot 😬 and to be honest neither could I! Not a dinner of this size, anyway. I'd need some sort of vague idea of what goes in the oven / on the hob next and when it's coming out etc.

And yes - DSS is head chef next year 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:43

CantFindMyMarbles · 27/12/2023 19:12

wow…..you’re a real hero. 🙄

I cook Xmas dinner with only a vague plan and it’s never an issue.

Wow you're a real patronising arse🙄

Where, oh where, did I claim to be anything remotely akin to a "hero"?

Ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:44

BigButtons · 27/12/2023 17:37

Once I had left my ex this exactly how any roasts would appear at his house. Seriously each bit would come out separately and with a good amount of time between items. First the meat then after 10 mins or so maybe some potatoes which seemed uncooked and then a while after that some peas and sweetcorn. It was vile.

🤢😭

This gives me anxiety just reading it 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:46

Cornishclio · 27/12/2023 17:50

I don't need a detailed written plan but I have done full Christmas dinners many times in the past so keep in my head the timings. YANBU to offer help but if he indicated things were under control I would have just left him to it if he did not take you up on offer of help. I would not eat undercooked veg or meat but presumably he knows how to check when things are cooked? A conversation on how he felt it went and suggestions for next year is a good idea. Do you really have Christmas dinner two days running? Surely if his kids had one with his ex they might want to eat something different on boxing day as presumably you and your DDs might also prefer?

I could take or leave the turkey dinner on Boxing Day - it's not my choice to make it, it's his. I'd be happy with party food or a takeaway. He says he wants to create the Christmas Day experience for his own kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:47

Even though tho his own kids had that the day before at their mums, it's just what he wants to do. And after 10 years of knowing him I can't see him ever changing his mind on that! I've suggested a Boxing Day takeaway / party food platters on previous years for ease, but he has none of it. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
BigButtons · 28/12/2023 08:54

lalaland2024 · 28/12/2023 08:39

Yes, to be honest I didn't realise how long it could "rest" for - was surprised it needed as long as an hour 😬

Show quote history

I am not a fan of how cold the meat is though. I rest my chicken for about 20 mins.

ellyeth · 29/12/2023 16:43

I'd be eternally grateful I wasn't cooking the dinner and would leave them to it, bar perhaps asking if they needed help right at the end when it all gets very chaotic in my experience.

asdfgasdfg · 29/01/2024 21:50

That's were my Hostess trolley comes into it's own. Cook early, keep warm. I don't have an oven and can only cook one thing at a tome in my combi microwave

New posts on this thread. Refresh page