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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have intervened to save the dinner?!

221 replies

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:49

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 26/12/2023 16:11

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:59

Would most people have a plan for this though? Like a written plan with timings? Or is this just me? I assumed this is was normal but I could be wrong!

Yes , a plan with timings so how long, temp and a note of the time things need to go in and come out of the oven allowing for the meat resting time. I think you are either a planner or you aren’t though. Does he sit down and make a list before he goes shopping?

Ramalangadingdong · 26/12/2023 16:27

You sound just like me. I like to have a plan for everything and feel all at sea if I don't, but a lot of people don't like planning or even need to and I think it's best to leave them to it - even if everything goes wrong. If it does go wrong they will perhaps learn for the future. You were right to point out about the turkey being underdone though as that could have had horrible repercussions.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 16:29

No definitely no shopping lists for him either. He just wings that and ends up with several things we didn't need / want / couldn't afford 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

I suppose it is a key difference between us and I do need to try and accept it, but it can also be frustrating especially if we are going somewhere for example, like a break away or even a day out, the planning aspect always falls to me. If I didn't think ahead to what time we needed to leave to make it places on time, we'd be late for everything. If I didn't think ahead to what toddler needed packing in her bag for a break away, she'd have nothing she needed, etc. so it gets a bit much on my shoulders tbh. Hence why I know I can at times step in and try to manage it, just to avoid us being in such situations. Granted, maybe today I didn't need to so much, but it's just habit after years of having to be the planner!

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 26/12/2023 16:32

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:55

Wowsers ... happy Christmas to you too 😂

There's a middle ground between raw and "overcooked sloppy mush". But I'm sure you know that. 😘

Show quote history

My DH started ordering Hello Fresh when I'm working long hours. He loves the recipes because they have the written plan, including pictures. Considering he has no clue how to manage cooking a complex dinner, it's a great thing for him and he even keeps those recipes so we can recreate them.
Yep, someone can start their domestic cooking career with a written plan. Nothing bad about it, especially when it comes to managing timing, prep, what dishes you need etc.

festivetinseling · 26/12/2023 16:37

I don't really have a formal timed plan, I've been doing this Christmas dinner lark for 40+ years, and rather a lot of Sunday roasts in between.

I'd strongly recommend it for anybody who has rather less experience!

Namechange4234 · 26/12/2023 16:49

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 16:29

No definitely no shopping lists for him either. He just wings that and ends up with several things we didn't need / want / couldn't afford 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

I suppose it is a key difference between us and I do need to try and accept it, but it can also be frustrating especially if we are going somewhere for example, like a break away or even a day out, the planning aspect always falls to me. If I didn't think ahead to what time we needed to leave to make it places on time, we'd be late for everything. If I didn't think ahead to what toddler needed packing in her bag for a break away, she'd have nothing she needed, etc. so it gets a bit much on my shoulders tbh. Hence why I know I can at times step in and try to manage it, just to avoid us being in such situations. Granted, maybe today I didn't need to so much, but it's just habit after years of having to be the planner!

No MAYBE about it

You interfered and were WAY WAY too controlling

Now you're trying to excuse your poor behaviour as a habit

Yuk yuk yuk....

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 16:52

@Namechange4234

" Yuk yuk yuk" right back at you.

When you live with a man who cannot plan ahead and you're therefore left carrying the mental load of that day in and day out, otherwise family life will effectively go to shit, it's fucking exhausting. That's not an "excuse", it's the reason I feel the need to step in. I have accepted on this occasion I might not have needed to - dinner may have been lovely without my intervention but I'll never know will I? As it stands, it was lovely and I was thanked for helping with timings.

So what's your issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 16:53

festivetinseling · 26/12/2023 16:37

I don't really have a formal timed plan, I've been doing this Christmas dinner lark for 40+ years, and rather a lot of Sunday roasts in between.

I'd strongly recommend it for anybody who has rather less experience!

I wouldn't have attempted it without a plan either but then, I'm not a confident or experienced cook!

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 16:59

For example, how do you think we got to the meal at the restaurant on time yesterday? Because I planned the timings and worked out when we all needed to be ready to leave the house. First thing DP asked me on waking yesterday morning was, "what time do we need to leave for the meal today?" (Despite me having told him this around 3 times over previous weeks since it was booked - and booked by me, I might add). And guess what? We got to the meal on time because I got us all out on time. This is what my entire life is like. Hardly any wonder I feel the need to step in and take charge as who else will if I don't?

OP posts:
CarolinaInTheMorning · 26/12/2023 17:01

I'm chuckling at posters being shocked at Christmas dinners two days in a row. My parents divorced when I was young. I married a divorced man with children. My son is divorced with children. Multiple Christmas dinners are just standard fare in our family. I've even had two in one day on occasion.

I'm all for having at least one of these Christmas dinners in a restaurant, especially when it's our turn to host.

GrandParade · 26/12/2023 17:01

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 16:59

For example, how do you think we got to the meal at the restaurant on time yesterday? Because I planned the timings and worked out when we all needed to be ready to leave the house. First thing DP asked me on waking yesterday morning was, "what time do we need to leave for the meal today?" (Despite me having told him this around 3 times over previous weeks since it was booked - and booked by me, I might add). And guess what? We got to the meal on time because I got us all out on time. This is what my entire life is like. Hardly any wonder I feel the need to step in and take charge as who else will if I don't?

Why not step back and let him deal with the consequences of his actions? Or simply say, ‘I’ve not got the faintest idea, sweetheart — why not check the booking?’

Namechange4234 · 26/12/2023 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:06

@GrandParade because the consequences affect us all as a family, including me. If I don't take over the planning part, no one will, and we'll be late for things / leave without what we need, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:07

@Namechange4234
Reported for name calling and bullying. Kindly get lost 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:08

"Crack on lady" 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

#vomit

OP posts:
14Q · 26/12/2023 17:09

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:59

Would most people have a plan for this though? Like a written plan with timings? Or is this just me? I assumed this is was normal but I could be wrong!

I wouldn't and it would probably be fine. I might miss something but I wouldn't be stressed about it.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:10

And the sheer number of times I've said to DP in the past, please can you take over the planning side of x or y? I'm exhausted with the mental load and I need to take my foot off the gas for a bit. And he's like yeah, of course (then doesn't). So I've learned I can't hand it over to him, I have to do it or it doesn't happen. And some (vile bullying) posters seem to think I'm "enjoying the power"?!

Fuck me it's be MUSIC to my ears if my DP took over and went, right listen up, here's the plan! I'm fecking sick of it!

OP posts:
WingsofRain · 26/12/2023 17:11

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:59

Would most people have a plan for this though? Like a written plan with timings? Or is this just me? I assumed this is was normal but I could be wrong!

Absolutely not, I know roughly how long things take to cook and just do them - I have never made a plan. You are micromanaging it far too much and I get the impression he only took the turkey out of the oven because you started asking about it.
There are very few things as irritating as trying to cook with someone getting in the way and telling you what to do!

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:12

Why are you with this man if life is such a trial and your controlling skills are so desperately and sadly needed?

As I said earlier - Posting again for your benefit- not that you give a shit as your only agenda is to bully an Internet stranger over Christmas (which let's face it as sad as fuck):
^*
He has many, many redeeming qualities obviously and is a lovely man with a big heart, BUT his chaotic approach to tasks at times drives me absolutely nuts*^

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:13

That's why I'm "with this man", since you ask 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:14

Ramalangadingdong · 26/12/2023 16:27

You sound just like me. I like to have a plan for everything and feel all at sea if I don't, but a lot of people don't like planning or even need to and I think it's best to leave them to it - even if everything goes wrong. If it does go wrong they will perhaps learn for the future. You were right to point out about the turkey being underdone though as that could have had horrible repercussions.

Glad it's not just me!

OP posts:
Loubilou23 · 26/12/2023 17:15

Instead of now desperately trying to control the thread you started and starting to argue with everyone here, why don’t you just chill out somewhere with a huge glass of wine…

it really might do you the world of good to just “let go” and try to just relax and enjoy a day off.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/12/2023 17:15

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:10

And the sheer number of times I've said to DP in the past, please can you take over the planning side of x or y? I'm exhausted with the mental load and I need to take my foot off the gas for a bit. And he's like yeah, of course (then doesn't). So I've learned I can't hand it over to him, I have to do it or it doesn't happen. And some (vile bullying) posters seem to think I'm "enjoying the power"?!

Fuck me it's be MUSIC to my ears if my DP took over and went, right listen up, here's the plan! I'm fecking sick of it!

Have you ever just stepped back and let it fall apart though? Let him deal with the consequences of his learned incompetence? Or do you step in before it fails and therefore he never learns that his (lack of) actions have consequences?

My DH is fab. But there are things he doesn't think of, or times he is happy to take a back seat. If I've asked him to organise something and he doesn't, it doesn't happen. Then we have a conversation about why it didn't happen. Long story short, he now knows if he's in charge of something, he has to do it and I will only step in to "save" things if he asks AND there's a very good reason why he can't see it through.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:16

😂

So now... Replying to posters on my own thread, who are deliberately being offensive and unpleasant and calling me names, and my refusing to accept that, is now "controlling" 😂😂

Gotcha 👍🏻

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 26/12/2023 17:17

Good grief - I can't imagine what your life must be like if you spend so much time planning that you are 'exhausted with the mental load and need to take your foot off the gas'. What on earth do you do that needs loads of planning? 😮😮