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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have intervened to save the dinner?!

221 replies

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:49

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 26/12/2023 19:53

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:34

Well, I think he should be involved and sharing the mental load. We both work in stressful jobs, we both have a toddler. Why aren't we equally responsible for the planning of our lives together? I didn't want to ask for that responsibility - I'm left with it by default because he doesn't do it. I personally don't think that's fair.

Show quote history

It's really odd reading some of the responses to your post. It makes me feel that I a have somehow landed in a parallel universe called Stepford. Very very strange.

I am with you, op.

GothConversionTherapy · 26/12/2023 20:43

Reading your updates, he sounds awful and I'm not surprised his first wife left him. I bet he couldn't believe his luck when he found someone who would happily put up with all his shit.

NoKnit · 26/12/2023 21:20

I need to know the size of a turkey that needs 5 hours cooking because I'm sure it is too big for standard UK oven. What turkey needs that long? Nonsense

FrillyGoatFluff · 26/12/2023 22:00

On one hand... it's just a roast.with added sausages and sprouts. Do you have your timings written down every time you cook a roast?

That said, my DH was exactly the same yesterday. He said he'd cook. What actually happened was that he fuckarsed about with a joint of beef and peeled the veg, and then flitted around the kitchen looking like a knob with a tea towel over his shoulder. The beef was merrily roasting and nothing else was on or vaguely sorted. I peered in half hour before sit down time, and decided it was time to actually to get the potatoes parboiled, and then took over actually making a roast dinner, thanking Christ for beef resting time.

But, obviously, 'dad cooked Christmas dinner'.

It's BBQ Syndrome, the man does the meat, the woman does EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE and yet he gets all the credit 🙄

GrandParade · 26/12/2023 22:09

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:06

@GrandParade because the consequences affect us all as a family, including me. If I don't take over the planning part, no one will, and we'll be late for things / leave without what we need, etc.

Yes, I get that, but at the moment there is no need for him to be organised, and no consequences for him from his forgetfulness or haphazard ways, because there’s always a wife making sure of it — it’s like having eternal stabilisers on a bike, so there’s no need to ever learn to balance. So don’t step in. Let him fuck up. Tell him you’re sick of babying him. Let him be late for things. Let him screw up family occasions. Let him leave the house with the toddler without his/her stuff. Yes, everyone will suffer, but it’s the only way he will learn.

I bet he doesn’t pull that stuff at work.

Beetlebumz · 26/12/2023 22:14

You sound really annoying, tbh. It sounds like he only took the turkey out of the oven because you mentioned it and confused him. Next time stay out the kitchen if someone is cooking

GothConversionTherapy · 26/12/2023 22:59

FrillyGoatFluff · 26/12/2023 22:00

On one hand... it's just a roast.with added sausages and sprouts. Do you have your timings written down every time you cook a roast?

That said, my DH was exactly the same yesterday. He said he'd cook. What actually happened was that he fuckarsed about with a joint of beef and peeled the veg, and then flitted around the kitchen looking like a knob with a tea towel over his shoulder. The beef was merrily roasting and nothing else was on or vaguely sorted. I peered in half hour before sit down time, and decided it was time to actually to get the potatoes parboiled, and then took over actually making a roast dinner, thanking Christ for beef resting time.

But, obviously, 'dad cooked Christmas dinner'.

It's BBQ Syndrome, the man does the meat, the woman does EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE and yet he gets all the credit 🙄

Why not just sit back, fill up on cheese and crackers and let him make himself look stupid. Lots of martyrs on this thread esp the OP.

Coolhwip · 26/12/2023 23:50

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:22

  • Meal planning / food shopping
  • Keeping on top of a growing toddler's wardrobe and when she's outgrowing / needing new things
  • packing for fairly frequent visits to family who live 3 hour drive away so we often stay overnight (we visit at least 5-6 times a year)
  • booking days out
  • older child's work shifts and when she needs a lift and fitting this around my own work and toddler
  • all general life admin like paying nursery on time, making sure other bills are paid, etc

These are just a few examples of things that fall exclusively to me.

Show quote history

This should have been in your OP, you would have got lots of more sympathy.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/12/2023 02:18

I agree with @Coolhwip . Your thread was really about your partner not actually behaving as an adult partner in your relationship but as another child you need to manage and not about him cooking the dinner.

It sounds like you need help and support so try posting a different thread focusing on that part, although tbh you will get two (and only two) replies. LTB because he will never change and you will get too resentful after a while or get him diagnosed and medicated for adhd. Sorry.

UnNiddeRides · 27/12/2023 05:13

Well that was a massive drip feed…

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 27/12/2023 06:02

FrillyGoatFluff · 26/12/2023 22:00

On one hand... it's just a roast.with added sausages and sprouts. Do you have your timings written down every time you cook a roast?

That said, my DH was exactly the same yesterday. He said he'd cook. What actually happened was that he fuckarsed about with a joint of beef and peeled the veg, and then flitted around the kitchen looking like a knob with a tea towel over his shoulder. The beef was merrily roasting and nothing else was on or vaguely sorted. I peered in half hour before sit down time, and decided it was time to actually to get the potatoes parboiled, and then took over actually making a roast dinner, thanking Christ for beef resting time.

But, obviously, 'dad cooked Christmas dinner'.

It's BBQ Syndrome, the man does the meat, the woman does EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE and yet he gets all the credit 🙄

Yep - so infuriating!! However, I loved your description of him looking like a knob with the tea towel over his shoulder 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 27/12/2023 06:05

UnNiddeRides · 27/12/2023 05:13

Well that was a massive drip feed…

Urgh. I HATE the "drip feed" comment 🙈

No - it's not a "drip feed". No one can include every last detail of their life (particularly a whole decade of a relationship!!) within one opening post. And even if I did, no one would read it.

I wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable about the specific situation I described. Since that point the conversation has evolved, as it does in real life too, and you find yourself sharing more relevant information as that happens. That's a conversation evolving naturally, as opposed to a a "drip feed".

OP posts:
Ramalangadingdong · 27/12/2023 06:11

GrandParade · 26/12/2023 22:09

Yes, I get that, but at the moment there is no need for him to be organised, and no consequences for him from his forgetfulness or haphazard ways, because there’s always a wife making sure of it — it’s like having eternal stabilisers on a bike, so there’s no need to ever learn to balance. So don’t step in. Let him fuck up. Tell him you’re sick of babying him. Let him be late for things. Let him screw up family occasions. Let him leave the house with the toddler without his/her stuff. Yes, everyone will suffer, but it’s the only way he will learn.

I bet he doesn’t pull that stuff at work.

Show quote history

That sounds a bit like being married to a toddler. And it would be hell for someone who likes to be in control, organised and on time for everything. I speak from experience. I couldn’t stand what you suggest.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 27/12/2023 06:20

@Ramalangadingdong

I can't stand it either. And it's also not fair to let an entire day that everyone is looking forward to go to shit because hes disorganised.

OP posts:
Soggydesert · 27/12/2023 06:45

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 13:37

I honestly won't 😂 I can take or leave the Boxing Day meal tbh - I'd be happy with party food. His idea not mine, and he does it every year because he wants to. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Then just leave him to it! If you're not that fussed about the meal either way why does it have to be perfect if you are going to eat it? Just leave him alone! He knows where you are and if he wanted your help he could have asked for it! You already said as well he wants to do this meal for his children! It's not about you so back off. You honestly would have driven me absolutely mad if you'd been in my kitchen.

autienotnaughty · 27/12/2023 06:50

I'd explain to him its not a pleasant experience for his kids if he's in the kitchen stressed during their visit. I'd suggest he asks then if they enjoy the turkey dinner (presumably they had one the day before too). I bet they would prefer relaxing time with their dad and a takeaway

UnNiddeRides · 27/12/2023 07:18

It is a drip feed. It started out with should you have given him instructions re a meal he was cooking & was he unreasonable not to have a time-sheet, to he’s not capable of knowing what time he has to leave point A to get to point B and that s generally pretty useless.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 27/12/2023 08:22

UnNiddeRides · 27/12/2023 07:18

It is a drip feed. It started out with should you have given him instructions re a meal he was cooking & was he unreasonable not to have a time-sheet, to he’s not capable of knowing what time he has to leave point A to get to point B and that s generally pretty useless.

Yes. As the conversation evolved. Are you familiar with that concept?

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 27/12/2023 08:23

autienotnaughty · 27/12/2023 06:50

I'd explain to him its not a pleasant experience for his kids if he's in the kitchen stressed during their visit. I'd suggest he asks then if they enjoy the turkey dinner (presumably they had one the day before too). I bet they would prefer relaxing time with their dad and a takeaway

Yeah it's good point! Would be worth finding out what his kids would prefer as I don't think he's ever actually asked them!

OP posts:
UnNiddeRides · 27/12/2023 13:09

I’m familiar with the concept of a conversation. I’m also familiar with additional information being disclosed later to bolster a sense of justification. That’s a drip feed.

BigButtons · 27/12/2023 17:37

Once I had left my ex this exactly how any roasts would appear at his house. Seriously each bit would come out separately and with a good amount of time between items. First the meat then after 10 mins or so maybe some potatoes which seemed uncooked and then a while after that some peas and sweetcorn. It was vile.

Cornishclio · 27/12/2023 17:50

I don't need a detailed written plan but I have done full Christmas dinners many times in the past so keep in my head the timings. YANBU to offer help but if he indicated things were under control I would have just left him to it if he did not take you up on offer of help. I would not eat undercooked veg or meat but presumably he knows how to check when things are cooked? A conversation on how he felt it went and suggestions for next year is a good idea. Do you really have Christmas dinner two days running? Surely if his kids had one with his ex they might want to eat something different on boxing day as presumably you and your DDs might also prefer?

CantFindMyMarbles · 27/12/2023 19:12

wow…..you’re a real hero. 🙄

I cook Xmas dinner with only a vague plan and it’s never an issue.

CountessWindyBottom · 27/12/2023 22:02

I'm an accomplished cook and never, ever have I written out a plan or timings.

You sound incredibly controlling. You came in asking a tonne of questions, were undermining and essentially a complete pain in the arse. I would have told you to leave the kitchen and I'm sure you interfering in front of his son didn't help his stress levels.

Pigglycat · 27/12/2023 22:13

It's really odd reading some of the responses to your post. It makes me feel that I a have somehow landed in a parallel universe called Stepford. Very very strange.

I am with you, op.

Yes, me too. Utterly bizarre!

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