To have intervened to save the dinner?!

[lalaland2024]

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

God you would really piss me off!!! Sorry but if you came in and started interfering and hassling me I'd get ruffled and tell you to do one, especially if you had been going on about it the night before.

Just let him cook the food, get a drink and go and chill out somewhere.

I do Christmas Dinner every year with no plan written down. I know vaguely what time we're wanting to eat and how long everything takes / what needs space in the oven or on the hob. But I cook a roast regularly. I don't really follow a plan / recipe with any meal I'm doing unless I've never made it before. Some people need the steps visible. Some find it more pressure if they've fallen behind and can see it. It's not the same for everyone. If he says he's fine, leave him to it. Intervene before anyone eats anything that could harm them, otherwise let him make his mistakes and learn from them.

This!

The son was probably being polite, because your partner was ignoring you.

You didn’t help meaningfully. You could have offered to peel the spuds, instead you micro managed them with a timings plan.

I hosted yesterday, if someone did that to me I would have been coldly polite but secretly hated it.

We did this yesterday. What time do we want to eat 3 pm how long does the turkey take 70 mins, beef an hour, gammon an hour, roast potatoes, an hour cauliflower cheese 45 mins, parsnips 30 mins sprouts and carrots ten mins, stuffing and pib 30 mins and all was beautiful well tbh the beef was over I would have done it for 45 mins myself it was only 1.5 kilos but it was nice still.

I can fall into micromanaging him to be fair, because of his haphazard, lack of thinking through approach at times.

You really don't need to do this - a) he's a grown man and b) he'll never learn if you swoop in to in your eyes save the day every time.

DH cooked a full Christmas dinner yesterday, nothing written down anywhere.

I've been cooking Christmas dinner for 40 years now and I've never even thought of having a written plan and I've never met anyone who would. Once the turkey is in the oven, I work out roughly when it should be ready but I don't need a plan to decide when to put the potatoes and other vegetables on 😆😆

The only thing that's different with a normal roast is the amount of time it takes to cook the turkey. Oh and remembering to take the jar of cranberry stuff out of the cupboard.

I don't even get the concern about prepping the night before. I am able to prep a pile of veg fairly quickly.

If you don't cook a roast very often, or think every vegetable needs it's own pan then you're probably getting more stressed.

If you're cooking for many people then it all gets complicated by the quantities, but if you're not a martyr restrict the numbers.

PS: Red cabbage, red wine, large pinch of nutmeg and cloves, cooked until the cabbage is soft. Delicious.

We cook together and never write anything down and Christmas dinner is always great!
You interfered and treated him like a child imo - you really should have left them to it.

How does your turkey only take 70 mins? And your potatoes 10 mins less than an entire turkey?

Have to agree with PPs. Your micromanaging would drive me to insanity. The nerve of you trying to write a plan for him, how infantilising. Do you always treat him like he’s stupid? I’m not sure his son was grateful as you didn’t even help, you just stormed in trying to take over. You sound so arrogant.

Maybe he prefers vegetables with a bite rather than overcooked sloppy mush

This This This...

It is at this point it went from helpfully enquiring if needed help straight to overbearing micromanagement.

The time to help implement a plan is prior; in the run up - the planning phase, the weeks proceeding. Suggestions for how to make the day run smoother, suggestions for order of the day, cook timings, start times etc.

What you actually did was go off and do you own thing in the morning, then return and immediately take over, which subconsciously told them you thought they couldnt manage. Self confidence battering right there.

Wowsers ... happy Christmas to you too 😂

There's a middle ground between raw and "overcooked sloppy mush". But I'm sure you know that. 😘

Never in my life have I written a timings list...I cook a roast fairly regularly, Christmas lunch is no different.

Update...

It's ready and the timings worked perfectly - AND they both just thanked me for my plan which meant the timings worked 😀

Winning all round 😅

My DH cooks about 6 meals a year, one on Christmas Day, And yesterday, despite being "not himself" because of two life-limiting illnesses, he cooked a superb Christmas dinner, with no visible sign whatever of a times plan.

You were micromanaging. He didn't want your "help", you gave it him anyway, and your intention was not to support him, but to check that he did it "right". I would have been nervous in that situation and my cooking would have gone to pot.

What a quick update.

Clearly a sign from the universe that you should micromanage a fellow adult in perpetuity?

Of course they did.....

Me too, I’m surprised he didn’t tell you to bugger off!

I hope you’re joking

Don't ask if he needs a plan - next time write it down on a huge board hung up in the kitchen, then leave them to it.

I don't, and nor does anyone in my close family. That said, we're all experienced cooks, who learnt from our parents so big family dinners are normal for us.

I dunno, I am usually pissed whilst I’m cooking Christmas dinner and just wing it but it always comes together somehow.

And then everyone clapped. 🙄

I couldn't cook with someone hovering around me like that. Rude, controlling, patronizing, micromanaging, with a side dish of superiority.