Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have intervened to save the dinner?!

221 replies

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 12:49

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:18

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

I've done both approaches in the past. But like I say; if for example I've booked us a family day out somewhere, and I know we need to leave at x time to make our slot (as an example), if I did take my foot off the gas at that point and just go with the flow and wait for DP to round us all up into the car, we'd be late and miss out on our day out. I don't think that's fair to the rest of the family. Hence why I step in so that doesn't happen. If the consequences were just on him alone, sure. But they rarely are.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:22

Growlybear83 · 26/12/2023 17:17

Good grief - I can't imagine what your life must be like if you spend so much time planning that you are 'exhausted with the mental load and need to take your foot off the gas'. What on earth do you do that needs loads of planning? 😮😮

  • Meal planning / food shopping
  • Keeping on top of a growing toddler's wardrobe and when she's outgrowing / needing new things
  • packing for fairly frequent visits to family who live 3 hour drive away so we often stay overnight (we visit at least 5-6 times a year)
  • booking days out
  • older child's work shifts and when she needs a lift and fitting this around my own work and toddler
  • all general life admin like paying nursery on time, making sure other bills are paid, etc

These are just a few examples of things that fall exclusively to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:23

As well as my paid job.

Partner just does his paid job.

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/12/2023 17:25

@lalaland2024 your examples are always things you've organised. Dinner today, for example, is a thing he had organised. If you'd left him to it and the turkey was undercooked, what's the worst thing that would have happened? No one would have eaten turkey. He would have learned that next time, he might need to plan better. Or that turkey takes longer than he thought. In years to come, there'd be a funny story of the day dad served undercooked turkey.

You might even find that he starts to think things through a bit more as a consequence of being allowed to "mess up". Short term pain, long term gain in that he no longer does your head in with his chaotic approach to things and you have less mental load to exhaust you.

Growlybear83 · 26/12/2023 17:25

But that's what most women I know do - it's hardly a huge mental load! It's just everyday things that most of us have to get on with.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:26

Well it feels a lot to me. And I don't understand why I'm carrying it exclusively when there's another parent here. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:27

And that's probably a third of what I do tbh. I can't think of all of it off the top of my head

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/12/2023 17:28

And in response to your post about the things that fall to you, days out aren't an essential, so do less of those and/or delegate. Why aren't your bills on direct debit? Toddlers wardrobe, get yourself a Next account and shop in the sales online, which come up every 6 weeks or so, meaning you can order stuff for the next size and it's already there. My family are 4 hours away and it's hard work, but by this point I can pack in 10 minutes because we go so often it's ingrained.

mondaytosunday · 26/12/2023 17:28

Yes agree with PP - get him on side, write the timings out as you did, so he can prepare better next year.
I don't understand the 'hands off' approach some people advocate - I'd appreciate a little guidance if I was obviously stressed about getting the dinner right.

Growlybear83 · 26/12/2023 17:28

Sorry, but it seems normal to me. My husband has never got involved in anything like that but I don't really see it as an issue.

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:34

Growlybear83 · 26/12/2023 17:28

Sorry, but it seems normal to me. My husband has never got involved in anything like that but I don't really see it as an issue.

Well, I think he should be involved and sharing the mental load. We both work in stressful jobs, we both have a toddler. Why aren't we equally responsible for the planning of our lives together? I didn't want to ask for that responsibility - I'm left with it by default because he doesn't do it. I personally don't think that's fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:36

And obviously I know days out aren't essential, but half the time he's the one suggesting we do x or y as a family. I always respond with that's a lovely idea, definitely on board. Then who ends up booking and planning the logistics of whole thing? Me.

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 17:42

This is exactly how my DD was when she started cooking on her own at 12yo 😅 It was cute. But she listened and improved immensely. She uses Youtube videos which works out better than written instructions. We make playlists so it's all organized.

RaspberriesUpside · 26/12/2023 17:55

I have read all your posts OP. Initially I felt you were being OTT. But I now see you are yet another MN poster married to a selfish and lazy man. You have explained to him how much you take on and manage, yet he does not change, appreciate it or realise the impact on you.

However ‘lovely’ a dad and husband you think he is, he is not a good person. Good people don’t exploit their loved ones or dump the emotional load of life on them. I think you need a serious talk.

How dare he leave it all to you.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/12/2023 17:59

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:36

And obviously I know days out aren't essential, but half the time he's the one suggesting we do x or y as a family. I always respond with that's a lovely idea, definitely on board. Then who ends up booking and planning the logistics of whole thing? Me.

So stop. Let him suggest and follow through. If he doesn't and he disappoints the kids, based on what he does for boxing day, he'll be mortified and it won't happen a second time.

mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:08

I'd intervene if I were expected to eat any of it. If I had the option of heading put for a long walk at dinner time, then I'd leave them to it.

I'd be a bit miffed that this is yet another example of a man completely failing to see that women who produce decent Christmas dinners every year do so because of the planning and organising behind the scenes. More than a bit miffed, in fact.

mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:11

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:36

And obviously I know days out aren't essential, but half the time he's the one suggesting we do x or y as a family. I always respond with that's a lovely idea, definitely on board. Then who ends up booking and planning the logistics of whole thing? Me.

That's on you.

Stop doing the booking and the planning.

mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:14

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 17:10

And the sheer number of times I've said to DP in the past, please can you take over the planning side of x or y? I'm exhausted with the mental load and I need to take my foot off the gas for a bit. And he's like yeah, of course (then doesn't). So I've learned I can't hand it over to him, I have to do it or it doesn't happen. And some (vile bullying) posters seem to think I'm "enjoying the power"?!

Fuck me it's be MUSIC to my ears if my DP took over and went, right listen up, here's the plan! I'm fecking sick of it!

No, he knows you'll do it eventually so he doesn't bother his arse.

Let a few things that would directly affect him fall through the cracks and see how quickly he snaps into gear.

How does this utter incompetent function at work??

Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 18:14

mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:08

I'd intervene if I were expected to eat any of it. If I had the option of heading put for a long walk at dinner time, then I'd leave them to it.

I'd be a bit miffed that this is yet another example of a man completely failing to see that women who produce decent Christmas dinners every year do so because of the planning and organising behind the scenes. More than a bit miffed, in fact.

Yes - this is exactly it! If nice things happen it's because I've done the thinking and planning behind the scenes on everyone's behalf. And it's his lack of awareness of that that grates on me too. You can't just chaotically do things and hope for the best - there's planning and effort involved, and it's usually done as you say by a woman. Infuriating.

OP posts:
Original poster
lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 18:16

How does this utter incompetent function at work??

Funnily enough, he functions to a high level at work. It's just home life he thinks requires minimal thought or planning 😫

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:21

I'd be very tempted to sit him down and explain to him the flow of work - use all sorts of business speak to make him pay attention and possibly realise that everything looks easy because you're applying so many managerial skills.

margotrose · 26/12/2023 18:24

He sounds pretty bloody useless, really.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/12/2023 18:28

lalaland2024 · 26/12/2023 18:14

Yes - this is exactly it! If nice things happen it's because I've done the thinking and planning behind the scenes on everyone's behalf. And it's his lack of awareness of that that grates on me too. You can't just chaotically do things and hope for the best - there's planning and effort involved, and it's usually done as you say by a woman. Infuriating.

Show quote history

Didn't he organise this dinner that turned out OK, and that he does every year? Let him do some things. If they don't turn out how you want, never mind. If they don't turn. Out how either of you want, he'll learn from the consequences. It's the only way anyone improves at anything, through getting it wrong and changing it next time.

@mathanxiety it may be the case for other things in their lives, but from what OP has said, she doesn't cook a Christmas dinner at all. He does one on boxing day, because he wants to. OP is only involved because she got involved.

RaspberriesUpside · 26/12/2023 18:29

I have so many friends married to wealthy men with high-powered jobs in the City. They have lots of responsibility, are highly educated etc. Yet they just simply cannot work out how to use a washing machine or cook. They just make a mess of it all, bless their cotton socks! So the woman just has to take over!!
🙄🙄🙄🙄😡

mathanxiety · 26/12/2023 18:32

I'd definitely leave his packing to him when you do your trips to see family.

Obv pack your own and the toddler's bags.

I'd also look into setting up direct debits for as many payments as you can - yes, one more thing for you to do, but it will save you worry in the long run.

There are definitely trade-offs - if he's an otherwise lovely guy and he loves you and the children, then you have to determine your own level of what you'll put up with, but also try to lessen the load you carry and gently train him to carry his share effectively and efficiently.