To have intervened to save the dinner?!

[lalaland2024]

We have a Christmas tradition whereby Christmas Day is spent with my eldest DD from previous relationship, DP and I, and our toddler DD. DP's kids from previous relationship (both teens) spend it with their mum and come over Boxing Day to ours for a dinner that DP cooks.

Today DP is appearing to be mega insanely stressed trying to prep this dinner. He has his teen son helping him, but honestly the chaos and clattering that's coming from the kitchen. So I went to investigate. The pair of them are just haphazardly chopping veg etc. I asked if they needed a hand - no, it's all under control apparently. I asked DP what time the turkey needed to come out the oven given it's been in there since 8am. He said "any time now as it needed 5 hours" (its bloody huge) and then he started to take it out the oven. However this was at 12pm. So I pointed out it's not been 5 hours yet and it needs another hour. Stressed he was saying "oh right yeah, ok, I'll put it back". I then asked if they needed a hand again, no it's all fine. I asked if they had a plan for timings (which I know are hard to get right with so many things to cook, and also with him not seemingly aware he was about to undercook the turkey by an hour, I felt the need to check). No plan, I'm told. We don't need one.

Anyway, I said I think it would be helpful if you had one and I'm happy to help? So I wrote down the timings of everything they were cooking, working backwards so they knew what to put in the oven and when etc (he's going all out and cooking about 8 different veg / things with the dinner). I put together a clear list of what goes in the oven when and handed it to his son, his son was like yeah I think that's a good idea actually thanks. DP just ignored me and carried on.

AIBU that you cannot cook something on the scale of a dinner this size, with about 8-9 items with different timings, without some sort of vague plan? His haphazard approach is just a reflection of who he is as a person tbh. I'm the thinker/planner and he just cracks on without a thought. But we'd have been eating undercooked turkey had I not intervened. And to be fair, last year I had no part in the Boxing Day dinner making, and all of the veg was massively undercooked- the carrots were basically crunchy and raw. So I wanted to help him, But then part of me thinks, am I micromanaging him?

So basically - I'm asking was the plan necessary for this task, or should I have just left him to it?

I don't do written plans and cooked turkey, beef and 7 sides yesterday. I probably seemed frazzled if you dared to speak to me but it all tasted good!
My turkey wasn't massive but I gave it way less time than it said and any longer would have been on the dry side.
Just enjoy some peace and a drink and your food will either be nice or terrible but at least you won't get the blame for it 😅

I'm a chef and I did Christmas dinner for 70 yesterday. I plan everything and prep as much as possible the day before (or more, depending what it is).

Some people really appreciate help and advice while others hate it, so I tread carefully. I find the best cooks are those who assess their own food honestly and make improvements where necessary.

I'm still curious and learning after 25 years. People are weird about cooking - like it's shameful to not know everything - and get all defensive about it. They'll never learn anything with that attitude.

People need to learn by their fuckups mistakes . If he Knows IT All and doesn't want you poking your nose in any helpful tips then leave him to it.
Obviously don't eat undercooked meat and have plan B ready like takeaway in mind.
People need to fail to think about it and learn. Chef to be Dss may take control next year hopefully.
I let my Dd miss her school trip abroad because she "knew how to set up her alarm and didn't want me poking my nose in"

I am the worst cook ever and the sound of your dh’s approach is brimmed out in hives! I’d have taken you up on your offer op, your dh is nuts!!! Enjoy!!

I had a written plan. Even a spreadsheet this year! 😂 I cook most meals without a plan but I was cooking for 11 yesterday and there are so many different sides all needing different times and different methods (some in oven, some in air fryer, hob etc).

In your shoes I would have felt stressed, but hope I would have been able to just leave the room and leave them to it. Though I may have had to leave the house and take the dog for a walk to distract me!

Yes I'm hoping DSS is a fully qualified chef next year and can take the reigns from DP! I think I'd trust him more tbh 😂

To answer one of your questions, I write out what needs to be done each half day for ex Tues night take X out of freezer, Wed make cranberry sauce, etc. Hourly timings aren't necessary because I know it. Like PP I note the cooking method, oven space is limited !
Does he not cook often ? I would have just left them to it, relaxed, and used a meat thermometer to check the turkey when he takes it out. It's how people learn and a bonding experience for them.

Same here.

Also - turkey (or whatever) needs to rest after cooking anyway, so most veg, Yorkshires if you like them, pigs in blankets etc can cook during this rest time if necessary* - you might need to make it a little longer than normal, but nothing will go wrong or be awful.

OP - you say you mentioned the turkey and that seemed to prompt them to take it out of the oven. The ads are that they would have left it longer if you hadn't drawn their attention to it.

*roast potatoes are the exception - they need a bit longer, but can go in towards the end of the turkey

DH cooks roast regularly as well as other meals but I had to insist that we actually think about what we are serving and then what we need to buy and yes a plan for timings.

He agreed in the end and as a result we are having frozen Yorkshire puddings 🤮🤮🤮🤮 well they are I'm not.

I completely understand your need to intervene. You have to have a cooking plan for a big meal like Christmas dinner. My husband is an excellent cook and makes a wonderful and huge Christmas meal but it takes all day (and some of Christmas eve) and he gets all tetchy and irritable. Then we have enough leftovers for the next 3 days - there are usually only 3 of us. Frankly I wish he wouldn't do it if it's going to take over the entire day and make him irritable. Christmas has become a pain in the bum (especially now our daughter is 19 and has a boyfriend - that's another story and thread!)

The written timings aren’t the issue here. It’s your micromanaging.

You offered help. He declined. That should be the end of it. Hovering and repeatedly offering help, going on about timings, and actually retrospectively working out timings and writing them down for someone who has already said no is just an irritant.

His stress and disorganisation is his issue to manage.

I’ve hosted many times, and always have timings written down and stuck on the front of the fridge where it’s easy to find and refer to - even after the usual half gallon of Buck’s Fizz.🥂

YABU to get involved.

I hosted yesterday, I had no plan because I have one oven and temperatures vary on each shelf.

Your timing plan would have been as useful as a chocolate teapot because your idea of how long potatoes take to cook would have been wrong.

Not everything has to be perfectly on time.

His kids would have appreciated the meal however well or badly it turned out, because it was their dad making an effort to do something for them. You micromanaged and undermined him adding unnecessary extra stress. People learn from experience, not from interference.

You didn’t intervene, you interfered. Nothing more annoying than a well-intentioned person making it clear you’re not working to their standards or doing things the way they do it. I’d stay out the way and make appreciative noises when the food is eaten.

I can fall into micromanaging him to be fair, because of his haphazard, lack of thinking through approach at times. He has many, many redeeming qualities obviously and is a lovely man with a big heart, BUT his chaotic approach to tasks at times drives me absolutely nuts 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

On the plus side, I shouldn't really complain. I currently have my feet up with a glass of wine, listening to DSD entertain toddler DD in the other room while DP and DSS cook our dinner, and eldest DD is hibernating upstairs somewhere (presumably sleeping or FaceTiming the boyfriend). So for the first time this month I'm actually feeling quite chilled and not in demand! It's lovely ☺️

And honestly,

"Next year I'm banning this Boxing Day lunch unless I see DP's full detailed itinerary in advance 😂😂"

No doubt then you'll be back on here complaining that your husband refuses to cook a meal.

I honestly won't 😂 I can take or leave the Boxing Day meal tbh - I'd be happy with party food. His idea not mine, and he does it every year because he wants to. 🤷‍♀️

You offered some practical help and they accepted. There doesn't appear to be an argument or anything so unsure what the fuss is about.
Most people who cook regular for multiple people would have some sort of plan especially re timings but if you have a microwave it's not critical. Undercooked meat though is critical but looks like that's been addressed. Leave em to it....and ensure they wash up coz chances are the kitchen will be a state.
This might be an opportunity later for your OH to show some respect for your skills.
Remember though, you're both on the same side.

I’ve never made a written plan for cooking, just not how my brain works. I would have a rough idea in my head and then just wing it, but I’m also fairly relaxed and not overly fussy about how my veg etc is cooked and happy to microwave something to bring it back up to temperature if it’s ready before the rest etc. I also feel like often things take more/ less time than they say and tend to judge whether something is ready by eye rather than by using set times. Admittedly I’ve never cooked for a huge group though.

Lovely for you but you’ve taken the shine of him cooking a meal for his family. Not nice.

I think you probably put him in a flapbcoming in and demanding to know if he had a plan. I can't stand people who come to interfere and think they know better.

No I’ve never had a written plan for dinner. I would have had more choice words than your husband to say though if my partner kept coming in and trying to micromanage me!!

Decide an approximate time for the meal, the turkey is the most difficult bit, looking at various people's opinions mine was anything between 2 and 3 hours + 30 mins or so resting. Got all the vegs, stuffings and sauces ready to go. Turkey not done at 2 hrs (started the chestnut stuffing anyway), done at 2hrs 30mins so mid-way of the various estimates. Started everything else after 20 minutes resting the turkey, giving time to slice some before everything else ready to put in serving dishes. Worked out fine, a bit of a panic right at the end, draining veg and such. Not much of a plan really, just get everything ready and then guided by the turkey.

@Coolhwip

Hardly taken the shine off it. His son was actually grateful for my help and saw my point. So maybe he's learned something useful there about planning? Don't see how I took the shine off by offering to help with the planning side. Better than sitting on my arse doing nothing while the pair of them cook the entire dinner surely?