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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Love, darling, sweetheart etc.

335 replies

monsteraa · 12/12/2023 04:44

I hear these words regularly from men, day in, day out - bus drivers, tradesmen, shopkeepers, etc.

I don't like it when men I don't know call me these things, I find it patronising.

Sometimes I want to say 'I'm not your sweetheart' (but of course I don't, I'm too polite).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 12/12/2023 11:19

presentadvice · 12/12/2023 07:48

As with others, I probably hear this more from women, than men, or at least as much.

Depending on the context, I don’t mind and perhaps even like it. A young man working in a cage called me lovely when handing me my drink the other week, ‘there you go lovely’. It really cheered me up! So when people use it like that, as a friendly social lubricant, I like it.

I would not like it in a professional context. Women don’t speak like this in my profession and if a man did it to me at work, that would not be appropriate.

Blimey @presentadvice , where do you live that you need to keep your menfolk in cages?😆

Growlybear83 · 12/12/2023 11:24

DejaVoodoo · 12/12/2023 11:09

The sir/love thing is interesting.
Men quite like being called "Sir" it sounds respectful and gives them a certain elevated status.
But I've never met a woman who likes being called "Madam".

It doesn't bother me in the slightest if someone calls me madam.

GymBergerac · 12/12/2023 11:25

Thedogscollar · 12/12/2023 11:03

Bloody hell what's going on. Somebody else on here complaining about being referred to as a girl.
The eternally offended need to get a grip.

100% this!

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 12/12/2023 11:27

Doesn’t bother me at all. I’m in Devon and it’s really common here. Women call me dear, love and sweetheart as well. Depends on the context and intent. If it’s delivered in a friendly and non patronising way I don’t have a problem with it.

PlacidPenelope · 12/12/2023 11:30

Nubnut · 12/12/2023 07:24

Please don’t complain about this!!! I am not British and it is the number one thing I LOVE about being out and about in britain. I mostly hear it from women too and I love it. I feel like everyone is my mother! (In a good way haha)

I have spent a lot of time in Spain and the endearment commonly used there translates as beautiful, frequently greeted by all sorts of people with hello, beautiful or thanked with thank you, beautiful. I am in no way, shape or form beautiful, it is just a pleasantry, there is no hidden agenda, they use it to my husband too. Like you Nubnut I have no problem with it and do indeed like it.

Would you find that patronising @monsteraa ? Would you want to tell them the people saying it that you are not beautiful and you don't like them referring to you as such?

Honestly, stop being such a bloody curmudgeon it is not a sinister way of referring to people, it is not being done to demean or patronise.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 12/12/2023 11:34

DejaVoodoo · 12/12/2023 11:09

The sir/love thing is interesting.
Men quite like being called "Sir" it sounds respectful and gives them a certain elevated status.
But I've never met a woman who likes being called "Madam".

Sorry to disagree Hun I think there's a few on here would love it.

Desecratedcoconut · 12/12/2023 11:41

I love it. I don't really have the patter to drop it at the end of a sentence but I appreciate it when anyone extends that warmth when they are chatting.

shieldmaiden7 · 12/12/2023 11:41

I like it. I was called sweetheart this morning. It made me smile but my 17 year old want to throw up 😂

I'm Cornish so often hear people being called bird, lover, cock, shag. Sounds terrible if you're not used to it but they are all positive greetings/phrases.

RockStarship · 12/12/2023 11:43

I don't think it's meant to be insulting or patronising, and actually, depending on how it's said, it can be very endearing. I have lived most of my life about an hour north of london where people regularly call each other 'love' and I've never seen it as unpleasant. I have family in the midlands who call me 'duck' or 'duckie' which I've always found lovely. I also lived in Yorkshire for a few years and I found it funny (to start with) when men called other men 'love' but got used to it quickly. I regularly went to a shoe mender in a local town and the man always called me 'petal' which I found very sweet- he was a lovely older man, very helpful and he referred to all his female customers in that way. I guess it depends the context of the conversation but in general I don't think these words are meant to patronise or be viewed negatively.

duttypink · 12/12/2023 11:44

I love it

RockStarship · 12/12/2023 11:45

If you complain about 'hun' however, then I'm totally with you 🤣

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 11:46

Madam/Madame - fine
A Madam - not so fine

🤣

Growlybear83 · 12/12/2023 11:46

BIossomtoes · 12/12/2023 10:45

Seriously? That’s unbelievable. The sexism and ageism on MN never fails to astound me.

Show quote history

Why is it unbelievable? 😂 When my Mum was in a care home, it was always the case that the kindest and most caring staff were the ones who called her by a term of endearment rather than her Christian name. I also don't understand why it is such an issue for a male manager to use a term of endearment. One of the female headteachers I work with calls everyone, male or female, 'darling', and another male headteacher always calls me 'lovey'; I've heard him use that term to other women, and I've heard him call men 'mate'. Some people use terms of endearment all the time, whilst others rarely do (myself included). What is offensive with that?

emmetgirl · 12/12/2023 11:50

I'm a woman and call nearly everyone sweetie.

PurpleChrayne · 12/12/2023 11:51

I quite like it. It's common in Liverpool. My elderly neighbour calls me "queen" and DH "cock". DH is foreign and was perplexed until I explained it to him! He came in all huffy, saying he'd been called a cock 😆

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 12/12/2023 11:52

CurlewKate · 12/12/2023 11:00

@buffyajp "How on earth do you know they are making things up?"

Well, for a start, men do not call other men "love" in "the North" So, when anyone says they do, I know they are making things up.

The men round here (Yorkshire) call men love! It's normal, acceptable and friendly!

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 11:55

Growlybear83 · 12/12/2023 11:46

Why is it unbelievable? 😂 When my Mum was in a care home, it was always the case that the kindest and most caring staff were the ones who called her by a term of endearment rather than her Christian name. I also don't understand why it is such an issue for a male manager to use a term of endearment. One of the female headteachers I work with calls everyone, male or female, 'darling', and another male headteacher always calls me 'lovey'; I've heard him use that term to other women, and I've heard him call men 'mate'. Some people use terms of endearment all the time, whilst others rarely do (myself included). What is offensive with that?

Show quote history

I don't get offended if someone calls me their 'darling' or 'sweetie' or 'whatever', but they should also not get offended when I tell them that I am not their 'darling' or 'sweetie' or 'whatever' and to please use my name or title (whatever is more appropriate).

As for the elderly folk in care homes/hospital I would think that trying to call them what they feel comfortable with is the best way (if at all possible via them, or relatives if not) - if Ellie was always 'sweetie' to her family and friends she might prefer that from those who spend time caring for her, but if she was 'Ellie' to everyone else then she might still prefer to be that. I would call a patient/someone I routinely care for whatever makes them happy, but would avoid generic terms that might sound unthoughtful.

123sunshine · 12/12/2023 11:55

I don't take offence, but I inwardly cringe. I don't want to be anyones darling, love, sweetheart, sweetie or whatever other term people want to use. However I accept that people are using the words in a positive well meaning way. I'm just not a gushy person.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 11:57

emmetgirl · 12/12/2023 11:50

I'm a woman and call nearly everyone sweetie.

If we were routinely together (eg work or some other similar situation) and I asked you not to call me that (in a non-confrontational and private way), would you respect that? Would you find it hard because you just do it automatically?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 11:57

123sunshine · 12/12/2023 11:55

I don't take offence, but I inwardly cringe. I don't want to be anyones darling, love, sweetheart, sweetie or whatever other term people want to use. However I accept that people are using the words in a positive well meaning way. I'm just not a gushy person.

Yes, I think this is part of it for me too!

Jeffsmeffsmiff · 12/12/2023 11:58

@PlacidPenelope actually your example I don't especially like (which is funny because I love being called all the UK terms of endearment) but I have a lot of family in Italy and it's the same whenever I'm there. It's all "ciao, bella" and I KNOW it's a friendly term of endearment but it genuinely makes me feel self conscious for some reason. Like I need to make more of an effort over the way I look than I would at home because people comment on it. I realise this is my problem though. It doesn't really mean they think I'm beautiful it's just the same as me calling them "darlin" which I probably do. So I guess it just depends on what you're used to

Offcom · 12/12/2023 11:59

Anyotherdude · 12/12/2023 10:32

It’s a way of addressing a stranger (or someone whose name you have forgotten) in a friendly and non-threatening way. E.g. If I approach a woman (I’m a woman) in a public place, to discreetly let her know that her skirt is tucked into her knickers - “excuse me, my love” means “I’m a friend that needs to tell you something”. On the several occasions I’ve done this, the women have been incredibly grateful that I’ve let them know!

I would be grateful for sure!

Ladyj84 · 12/12/2023 11:59

Lol no different to an American saying thanks honey etc...we all have our sayings and in no way patronising. The neighbour next door calls everyone duck lol

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 12/12/2023 12:00

Ladyj84 · 12/12/2023 11:59

Lol no different to an American saying thanks honey etc...we all have our sayings and in no way patronising. The neighbour next door calls everyone duck lol

Right, but some of us also don't want to be someone's 'honey' (unless we know them quite well!).

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