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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and Christmas, AIBU?

215 replies

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 21:43

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:

KombuchaKalling · 06/12/2023 21:45

Don’t carry him then. Christmas has always been in December and he needs to organise himself better or spend less. Why accept it as your problem?

Haydenn · 06/12/2023 21:45

Can’t you get his contributions for the month early and hold a bit back for him?

i mean I’d hate to manage someone in this way but you seem to have reconciled yourself to it

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 21:47

So he gets to be all bountiful and disney dad re gifts and you get to do drudge no glamour day to day bills and pay his way too?
Not as daft as he pretends is he?

VioletMountainHare · 06/12/2023 21:47

He should send you the household expenses before starting Christmas shopping.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 21:48

Shinyandnew1 · 06/12/2023 21:48

Don’t carry him then. Return the expensive present you got him and use that to pay the bills in December

Getthethrowonthesofa · 06/12/2023 21:49

He doesn’t have savings, he literally lives hand to mouth and if he over spends he knows you will pay the extra, isn’t the latter your answer, he does it as he can.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2023 21:50

What is he buying the rest of the tear instead of saving up? I have ADHD, I buy in December, I probably spend too much. But I have the money because I make sure I do. The rest of the year.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 06/12/2023 21:50

Well if you will struggle with bills have the Internet cut off. No point him buying them games then. Bills first... Spends later..

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2023 21:50

I stopped this by having a Christmas savings account so when dh transfers me money each month he includes an amount for Christmas savings that we both contribute (he has adhd too)
Then we sit down together in November and do an afternoon of online shopping together for everyone we need to buy for

SuperGreens · 06/12/2023 21:51

Take the xbox back

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 21:52

Tell him right now he is to give you what he owes for monthly bills before he starts shopping. Stop letting him get away with this shite. He is taking advantage of you because you allow it.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 21:52

SuperGreens · 06/12/2023 21:51

Take the xbox back

ABSOLUTELY THIS.

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2023 21:53

BTW I manage all the money. Adhd dh transfers me his wages every month then I have standing order sending him spending money each week - as he struggles with impulse spending so this was his idea

PeloMom · 06/12/2023 21:55

Ask him to give you x amount every year from September that you put away and subsidize Christmas and his portion of dec expenses

SeaToSki · 06/12/2023 21:56

Shinyandnew1 · 06/12/2023 21:48

Don’t carry him then. Return the expensive present you got him and use that to pay the bills in December

Edited

This.

….as soon as he says he doesnt have enough money to contribute the usual to the Dec household bills, tell him you will cover it by returning his Christmas present from you, and if he will still owe you something over that, he can pay you back in Jan. Then next year, in September tell him he has to start pre paying for Dec as you dont trust him to not short you again.

You also need to give him a bill for half of the cost of the gifts for your joint dc. There is no way he should not be contributing to those and just buying wonderful gifts for his dc.

wildwestpioneer · 06/12/2023 21:56

Take the Xbox back and tell him you've had to spend the money you'd usually spend on him to compensate for his lack of planning.

You're not his mum, Christmas is the same time every year and it's not your responsibility.

It might be his adhd, but it also might be because he's lazy, or thoughtless, or selfish or a twat or all of the above - but what he is, is an adult and he either gets help for his adhd or pulls his finger out - but I doubt he will if he knows you'll do it for him AND buy him a nice expensive gift.

SunRainStorm · 06/12/2023 21:59

Tell him he will still need to pay the day to day expenses and to cut his cloth accordingly.

If you're leaving pay check to pay check then why are you buying such expensive Christmas presents?

Why do people make Christmas so stressful for themselves?

Your DH doesn't need an Xbox more than your bills need paying. Your DSC don't need multiple video games. They just don't.

monsteramunch · 06/12/2023 22:01

How is his 'heart in the right place' in this situation OP?

At best he's being thoughtless and irresponsible, at worst he knows exactly what he's doing and expects you to always be a financial safety net so doesn't give a shit about his budget.

AMuser · 06/12/2023 22:04

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 21:52

ABSOLUTELY THIS.

Show quote history

Not least because he’s a bloody grown man.

Original poster

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:07

Thank you for the advice.

I should clarify, he will be sending me money from his wage as soon as he gets paid before he spends on anything else. He does it every month.

He used to send me more than he does now, however a few months ago we agreed he'd reduce the amount he sends to me and has a go at managing more of it himself sensibly. It's better than it has been but he still runs out within a couple of weeks, rather than the one week it used to last him.

So he will still send me that money (£300) but is going to run out of the rest of his money super quickly doing his last minute dash to buy for everyone.

The bills will be paid (rent and council tax) and I've already paid for the Internet but within a week everything else will fall to me. The food shops, gas top ups, anything I want to do with the kids, the kids hobby clubs are due for term renewal so there's those to pay, more school uniform is needed due to growth spurts, more shoes for DS as he goes through them like nobodies business. Daily expenses. The £300 doesn't go very far at all.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 22:07

AMuser · 06/12/2023 22:04

Not least because he’s a bloody grown man.

Show quote history

Oh please. 🙄

Original poster

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:11

SunRainStorm · 06/12/2023 21:59

Tell him he will still need to pay the day to day expenses and to cut his cloth accordingly.

If you're leaving pay check to pay check then why are you buying such expensive Christmas presents?

Why do people make Christmas so stressful for themselves?

Your DH doesn't need an Xbox more than your bills need paying. Your DSC don't need multiple video games. They just don't.

I hadn't planned to get him an xbox initially.

I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and that was the only thing he came back with, followed with "..but I know its too expensive"

I paid for it out of my savings as I wanted to do something nice for him. I had a big op in October and he was so good to me in the lead up and afterwards, he had 2 weeks off work and did everything for me and DC so I didn't need to lift a finger. I wanted to show my gratitude for that and knew the xbox would make him happy.

I'm very good with money in general and don't make a habit of expensive splurges on consoles or whatever else.

OP posts:

AutumnFroglets · 06/12/2023 22:12

So he will still send me that money (£300)

Wait, what??? He is paying £300 a month to cover everything including his joint children? He's fucking you over big time.

EDIT - Return the xbox and use the money for food. And tell him that.

Original poster

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:16

monsteramunch · 06/12/2023 22:01

How is his 'heart in the right place' in this situation OP?

At best he's being thoughtless and irresponsible, at worst he knows exactly what he's doing and expects you to always be a financial safety net so doesn't give a shit about his budget.

I think it's being thoughtless and irresponsible. He just doesn't consider these things and thinks because he gets paid in December he'll be able to catch up then and it'll all be fine. He doesn't look past the first week of being paid.

I don't mean to patronise anybody else with ADHD as I know plenty of others don't have issues of this magnitude, or if they do then they find a way of owning their shit because they have to.

I haven't helped really have I? As you said I've positioned myself as a safety net.

OP posts:

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