DP and Christmas, AIBU?

[Christingle94]

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

if he has adhd and issues with money, I’d suggest he pays an amount to you each month and then you could support with buying or passing the money on in December. I do this and my husband reimburses me.

I know you shouldn't have to but I'd ask him come January to start giving you an extra £75-£100 a month and you put it to one side;you take half of each present you buy for your joint DC out of it and come December give him the remainder for the presents he needs to buy;the only reason I suggest this is so you're not saddled with the costs of all DC's presents and Decembers bills next year.

I too have an irresponsible with money ADHD sufferer husband;a few weeks ago I've discovered he's yet again racked up a huge amount of debt on the credit cards (17K) that have been previously paid off (that he promised me he wouldn't rack up again (he's done it before).Anyway the consequence has been I've had to take a temp Xmas job to pay for presents and will likely have to find work in January on a permanent basis-there's a long back story there for why I don't work mainly related to my DH and his laziness when it comes to our house and children.

Bloody hell, you’ve spent more on him than he has spent on your joint children?

and presumably more on him for Xmas than he contributes to the household each month?

WTF does he do with the rest of his money?

isn’t he ashamed of himself?

Also, is it me or are SC held to a higher regard than their shitty fathers?
Here, the OP doesn’t buy for SC because they tend to be underwhelmed (Poor behaviour, but they are children so should be guided effectively).
Yep the OP has an entire lump of adult man who contributes £300pm to his household and it’s a shrug shoulders and pay his share?

@Duckingella is your DH taking extra work to lay the debt too? Or just you?

Are you planning on leaving him?

Bloody hell, you’ve spent more on him than he has spent on your joint children?
Yes OP, can you explain this? Is he really that much more worthy than your own children ?

and presumably more on him for Xmas than he contributes to the household each month?
And this? I still can't understand how he pays so little but you think it's a decent amount...

WTF does he do with the rest of his money?
Very good point. He doesn't pay towards the real household costs, nor for his joint children. So where is the money going if he's always skint? Is he yet another waste of space who gambles the family money away?

isn’t he ashamed of himself?
After reading these posts I do wonder if you are, because I doubt he feels anything except glee at continuing to pull the wool over your eyes. Wake up, please!

Take the Xbox back.

I have 2 DC’s with ADHD (16 and 23) so I completely understand the disorganisation and then impulse spending and spending all in one go. Why don’t you increase the amount of money he sends you each month and put some away in a savings account for him to spend at Christmas. You sound like a fantastic wife helping DH to navigate life, don’t be too hard on him. I know it can be frustrating living with an ADHD’er but imagine how frustrating it is having it x

'Don't be too hard on him'?!..... yep op, keep paying all the bills, his child maintenance, celebrate his shit contribution..
So he's shit at providing for his dc from either relationship, but am betting he buys himself what he wants!

You need to go through every out going on both your bank statements for the last 3 months. Work out what’s normal monthly joint expenses, then put half each into an account that’s separate from your individual accounts.
if you earn more maybe put an extra 100 ish in that account every month so if there’s a joint problem you have the funds saved there to fix it (like a car problem, broken washing machine etc)

Then maybe set a limit to spend on the children, all the children. And this should be the same across the board regardless of who the parents are, otherwise if his DC from previous are having more spent on them than the joint DC are, that’s gonna eventually cause upset as the kids get older.

From September every year maybe he should transfer you an amount, let’s say he’s going to spend 100 per child, 200 in total, so each month he sends you 50 to keep a side for when he’s ready to
do the Christmas shopping.

Just some suggestions, it’s not easy dealing with adhd but there are work around!
good luck! Hope you figure it out!

He's supposed to be but he's only done a couple of extra shifts so far;I've made it extremely clear I won't be paying a penny of his debt but unfortunately he's been paying less to the joint account these passed few months.

As for leaving him;it's just not feasible;not until my kids are grown and living independently;it's a very complicated situation involving 3 disabled DC's and another DC with a baby on the way who currently has nowhere else to live with their partner and baby other than my house;leaving to go into a private rental is completely unaffordable as rents are astronomical where I am.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre
Both of my sons have quite severe ADHD. Both are disorganised, hopeless with money and time blind. Both of them f*ck up quite often and the self loathing is heartbreaking to see. Hearing your 16 year wish he was normal is heartbreaking to hear. They don’t choose to be the way they are, they didn’t choose to have ADHD and ADHD doesn’t magically vanish when you reach adulthood

Oh dear, you sound trapped.

what I will say is if you are covering his shortfall towards the bills then you are helping him to pay the debt as he can only pay it due to you allowing him surplus cash…

ADHDer here and I’m horrified by most of the responses on this thread. ADHD is a disability, you can’t cure a disability by trying harder.

I’m usually good with money but at times of high stress can’t control my pulses and spend far more than I want to. I’ve just given my husband my purse as I’ve felt out of control with managing my money for a few weeks.

What helps our family day to day is pooling our money so it’s ours rather than mine. We then have £200 keepy back to spend each month as we wish.

£300
Is that all he gives you in bills money
That's cockloder territory
Your carrying him

You bought him a Xbox because he looked after you when you were ill
That's normal,that's absolutely normal to care for your partner when I'll
Get that Xbox taken back to the shop
Your Christmas present to him can be when u have to pay for extra stuff because he's shit with money .
He's like this because he knows you will carry him
Stop blaming his ADHD ,he's perfectly able to go to work and manage a job ,so why do u allow him to be shit at home .
I'd end it ,if it was me

Having only just read the full thread
Omg
Your kids get second hand gifts
You buy their step dad a new x box
They will see that gift ,and remember that you bought them second hand gifts and he got a brand new Xbox .
That is really fucked up .
My mother bought us second hand gifts ,while she had tons of brand new designer clothes ..she always bought tons of stuff new for my step dad .
She's in a rest home with no visitors now ,kids are all none contact .
Obviously not just because of the second hand gifts ....
Kids remember op

I don’t get this? I deal with the finances in my house so my partner transfers me most of his wage (just leaves some over for his “spending money”) and I pay all the bills and get DCs Christmases/ birthdays and all other expenses, we don’t have his money my money as such, I understand that your DH has ADHD which I think it would then make more sense to do this 🤷‍♀️

He had ADHD, it's a recognized disability and affects organization, he's had a go at managing and it hasn't worked, you're going to be doing it for him in the future. My husband gets 'pocket money' while I manage the rest, he's never going to improve and it just causes us both stress. If you can act as a savings plan for him for next year then give him what he needs to buy his family gifts in December that'll cause less stress all round next year.

Same. Dh’s wage gets paid directly to our ‘bills’ bank account. Mine gets paid directly into our food / petrol / clothing / school expenses / random expenses account. We both have separate spending money accounts.

op’s dh should be tipping his entire wage and she should give him enough to cover his expenses as he hasn't the capacity to deal with it himself.

OP, you have had a few replies from those of us who understand ADHD. I would strongly recommend you do some more research on it if you have a DP with a diagnosis. I think it's clear from your OP that you don't really "get" what ADHD is and how it affects him.

As I said earlier, I would agree with the majority if posts here if your DP was neurotypical, but he isn't. He has tried his best, but he has a disability. Just because his disability isn't visible, doesn't mean it isn't real or doesn't affect him. If he was in a wheelchair, you wouldn't be asking him to walk to the shops to get you a bar of chocolate and get angry when it doesn't happen. It's the same thing as asking someone with ADHD to do a boring difficult task - with all the will in the world, they just can't! (unless they leave until the last minute!)

If you really understand what ADHD means for him then it will help you understand him and his capabilities which will in turn help your relationship. I say that as someone married to an autistic DH.

@Neiiighbour234 so it's fully on the op then? He continues to spend all his money on him and the non joint dc and ops meant to be OK about it?
And also happily do all the 'boring general domestic tasks?

So you have bought your joint DC presents and bought him a ridiculously expensive gift, so it sounds like his DC are the ones who are likely to be missing out here.

I'd give him the option, he can either have his Xbox, or you can return it to the shops so he has enough money to buy some gifts - but only give him what you normally would have spent on him and put the rest back in your solo savings.

If you insist on staying with him and keeping the current financial arrangement, then up it by something per month to put in a presents fund, he is never going to change, I used to work at a collections agency- amazing how many people were baffled by the unexpected annual arrival of Christmas.

Totally agree @AMuser

£300 a month??????? Wtaf OP, that's nothing.

He’s played an absolute blinder.

He’s reduced his regular monthly contribution to the household, he’ll get to splurge on an abundance of brand new stuff for his own children for Christmas and he’s getting an X Box for himself.

Meanwhile you’re giving your kids a second hand christmas, and your gift from him will be that you get to carry him financially into the New Year.

I bet he can’t believe his luck!

No, if she understands his ADHD properly, they can work out what he can do. E.g. I have ADHD but I like doing the laundry and the finances and don't mind cleaning. My husband does the cooking. Play to his strengths. (Or he pays for a cleaner and sacrifices something else to pay for it if he can't do anything round the house).

My point is, understanding his ADHD and what he is capable of and working out a realistic plan will be much more effective that just expecting him to do something that he just can't do and then getting mad at him and stressed when (of course!) it doesn't work. You have to work as a team - and be realistic!

Edited to say, I do agree with him handing over his money to the OP and she take control. It will be less stressful in the long run and she won't feel hard done by with having to subsidise him.