DP and Christmas, AIBU?

[Christingle94]

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

ADHD is a reason to struggle but it's not an excuse. I have ADHD.

Difference is I don't have a safety net person like your dh does. You need to stop bailing him out.

Also you've spent a LOT there on a grown adult! 😱 Is that usual? Does he spend the same on you? Can you afford that?

I like you sometimes buy toys second hand for my kids. That aspect of your life seems at odds with buying your manbaby a fancy new console?!

Do NOT let him off with bills money. Do not bail him out.

Suggest he sets up a standing order into a savings account starting with his January pay slip, paying a set amount each month into it to pay for his Xmas spending.

Stop spoiling him like he's an incompetent child.

I think me and you have the same life. I get DH to give me money every month to save towards Christmas and I match it so that he’s contributing equally and then I organise buying the gifts. I’ve tried leaving it to him but what you described happens and I’ve accepted things the way they are.

Buying him an xbox as a big gesture of gratitude because he did what any decent person would do when you needed support around the time of an operation is not warranted in my opinion, particularly given the financial circumstances you have described.

I’d return it and stop facilitating him not taking responsibility by bailing him out.

It all sounds horribly stressful and I feel for you. Out of sheer exhaustion and necessity, I have had to limit how much I sacrifice to compensate for these sorts of issues in my family (ADHD/ASD). Natural consequences now here if I’ve done all I reasonably can to ensure I’ve supported my family’s struggles the best way I know how, without shouldering all the responsibility for everything.

I hope you get to feel cherished and appreciated at Christmas OP 💐

I know I’m probably gonna get shot down in flames, but…

Do grown men, adults, Dads, actually play X box?

It would be a massive ick for me.

You haven’t been taken for a fool - it’s just most people really don’t get how disabling adhd can be and how much shame people with it have. I’d sit down with him and problem solve it. I have to outsource most of my executive function otherwise I still get into bother. Plum account auto saving. Different pockets set up for different things that the money goes directly to. All of these things are possible because I have an understand and compassionate partner who helps me solve problems when I fuck up rather than making me feel like a naughty child. It goes a long way.

Believe it or not so do some grown women and moms - the controls thankfully aren’t operated by genitals 😂

He needs to give you an amount extra every month to allow him to not pay household bills in December, ie he gets December off but he’s given you a bit towards December in the previous 11 payments which you save ‘for him’.

if he won’t do that then I’d up his monthly amount secretly until you have it.

really OP it’s not on at all

@Frazzled83

😁
Perhaps it’s just passed me by then, I just thought it was a kids, tweens, teens, young adult thing🤷‍♀️ But then it didn’t exist when I was young, so that’s why I’m surprised that it’s an adult pastime.
If I presented DP with an Xbox, I doubt either of us would know which way up it went!😂

This was my question too. Even if you take out his CM, then do your income as a percentage, is he really earning so much less that it is all he should be paying?

Who pays all of the other bills, like those listed above?

Also, he seems to be completely absolved of buying your joint DC gifts. Again a budget should probably be decided in advance. If you are going to do the buying that is fine, but he should be making his contribution.

You know he's got ADHD and that he's hopeless at managing money. Why do you think this year is any different from any other.

Make sure you get money from him on payday so you're covered for January, and after that it's up to you whether you let him sink.....

Agreed.

I know your DH needs to get control but also it sounds like you are hugely overspending, just in a "spread out" way

OP, clearly this a bigger issue than just Christmas, but if you're going to continue to carry him, make life easier and set an amount at the start of the year for things like Christmas and ask him to give you an extra £20 per month which you transfer into a separate account that's just for Christmas. Then you won't have this particular issue next year.

He is not earning enough for his lifestyle. Why do you have to make up the shortfall?

This. Household contributions are transferred to our shared account immediately after we get paid / the end of every month.

That would be the best solution in OP´s situation (imo).

Edit: You could return (or re-sell) his Christmas gift if he doesn´t manage to cover his share, I suppose...

I voted YABU because you’re being a martyr. I can understand you begrudgingly buying all the presents for DC as they shouldn’t suffer for his incompetence but buying him an expensive games console then complaining about how short of money you’re going to get is just total martyrdom

Exactly this !!! Christmas is the same date every year its not a surprise I'm glad he feels shit , he should ! Why should tleveryone else suffer because he's bloody useless I'd be telling him to still pay his portion of bills and get his kids less and he can explain to them why they didn't get what they asked for .
Why would he shop earlier when he has a wife that will cover bills and see him through the month no skin off his nose he has no money is it

I have ADHD and I think him "learning to budget his money better" is just not going to happen - completely. If he is impulsive and disorganised generally as well with money, that isn't going to change. You may have to accept that there are certain things that he will never manage and other things he can.

It's not that he's being irresponsible, I bet he had great intentions and then time slipped by and he forgot until the deadline crops up and then it's all last minute. He would love not to be like this I bet, but it's the way his brain works. If it isn't urgent or very interesting to him he will find it hugely difficult to focus on it - especially if it is a difficult task with emotional baggage attached, as this seems to be. It's very hard to understand if you are NT, but literally it's almost impossible.

I see the "weaponised incompetence" accusations and I would agree - if he were neurotypical, but the fact is he is neurodivergent, not lazy. He is clearly trying to be better at it, but his brain just won't let him. And even if he managed it, it would take so much effort and energy, something else would probably fall by the wayside.

I suggest he play to his strengths (whatever they are - I bet he has some though) and you play to yours. I know you don't want to do all the budgeting and financials, but frankly if he has no interest in it, he will find it extremely hard to do it effectively which I would suggest means even more stress for you down the line than if you had just done it yourself. Try to think about what tasks he is good at/interested in that you can offload onto him that will give you the time to do the stuff he can't.

I had a big op in October and he was so good to me in the lead up and afterwards, he had 2 weeks off work and did everything for me and DC so I didn't need to lift a finger. I wanted to show my gratitude for that and knew the xbox would make him happy.

He should do that because he’s your husband. It should be expected not rewarded ffs.

Take the gifts back and make him get a grip.

I find some of these comments rather harsh. I have ADHD too - not a severe case. But I feel I can relate with him. Organisation, structure and planning, I struggle with a lot. I always plan to start early, October time. But then time just goes and in my head I'm organised, but technically I'm not. I find Christmas incredibly overwhelming. Maybe next year you could suggest to shop together for the children, in September when you start. Make a day date of it. I find it so much less overwhelming if I go with my husband.

Then when November / December hits, he would only have you to buy for.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre “weaponised incompetence”. This has to be the most succinct and meaningful phrase I have ever heard. And I cannot wait to use it at every opportunity.

I’d return the X Box and exchange it for something much cheaper, using the money you get back to make up for the fact he’s not contributing his fair share.

Dear me do you hear yourself ???? You had an operation he wasn't being good to you he was doing what a bloody husband and father should be doing for Christ's sakes

1000% this.

Would it work having some joint savings that go towards Christmas spending, treats or holidays - if it was joint, he could have a card but you'd also have an eye on it and that way it wouldn't be "he spends too much on the SC" it would be both of you in November looking at what was in the joint savings and agreeing budgets and who was responsible for buying for who. You could both agree a sensible amount to pay in every month....
We do a joint account for all bills and food, petrol, kids clothes. Then we have joint savings for holidays and Christmas, or big expenses like boilers or a car. Then we have small individual accounts for personal spend. That way we both manage all the bills, all the presents etc, and nobody has to be in charge (and neither of us can fritter it away without the other noticing!)