DP and Christmas, AIBU?

[Christingle94]

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

If he's got adhd it's not as easy a "just do it", but I've got adhd and even though i start buying quite late compared to most people, my dc having an amazing xmas is top priority. So, i make sure it happens. I can't just sit on my arse and hope someone else will do it. I also can't neglect my mortgage in the hopes someone else will pay it because i haven't planned.

It means i can't focus on buying presents for adults in the family, so we have agreed parents and siblings don't get anything (they all have their own spouses to exchange gifts with, it's not like they're empty handed). That leaves me free to focus on my dc. My husband and i usually give each other an idea for one gift to exchange.

Id be returning that xbox, tbh. And use the money for bills. If he wants one, he can budget and pay for it himself.

@Neiiighbour234

But ADHD or not (and I'm diagnosed myself) do you really think that a grown adult considers £300 a month to be a fair and reasonable contribution to the household?!

"He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done".

To bring him in line with you, my vote is for an automatic transfer from his bank account to a separate, inaccessible account, from September every month until he does all his shopping in Dec.

Then he won't forget to save, and won't access before it's needed. He's never going to start buying in advance like you but at least he'll then have the funds for the late shopping spree needed in December.

ADHD is hard but try not to enable it, he's had his whole adult life to try and figure out how to make it work, it shouldn't all be on you x I think a less expensive appreciation gift instead of Xbox too for this year

£300 a month is an absolute pisstake. So he isn’t contributing to your shared children? He’s bought nothing/paid nothing? And you’ll be carrying him through to the end of January? Last working day is a weekday, so a bloody long hard month after Christmas. Absolutely ridiculous. He should have organised himself months ago.

Exactly, putting all the pressure and onus on op to find a way to manage his needs and oh well if best for him is a low demand he does nothing domestic or financial expectation that needs to be done?

No, of course not. They both need to sit down and work out a way of moving forward where she doesn't feel hard done by - either financially or household contribution wise. It shouldn't all be on her, but they need to be realistic about what he can contribute in terms of sharing the load.

Once they have established what he will actually be able to contribute and she feels that it isn't at a level she can live with, then she has a decision to make about their future.

Unfortunately the reality of living with someone with ADHD is that there will be some things they will find really hard to do. You either find a compromise that you can live with - or you don't and walk away.

But, it seems they have clearly been together quite a long time and he seems like a decent person who did step up when she was ill, so he can't be completely useless - she mentions his "redeeming qualities", so hopefully they can work on the financial stuff and agree a way forward that she is happy with.

If you are still reading this thread OP - good luck to both of you, I hope you can work it out.

Bills need to be paid before presents.

Its obviously something he genuinely struggles with, and I'd be happy to support a partner with that. But by helping them save in advance, not bailing them out. Plenty of people don't shop before December, but they do keep money by for it!

I'm still here and reading everything. I've received a ton of really good advice here and I'm really glad I posted. Thank you all.

By way of an update, since I last posted:

I've had him open another bank account with monzo and the amount he transfers me this Friday will be upped to £700. That leaves him with little money after presents but is better than the alternative which would be stress for me.

So it's not problem solved but it's a good start.

The xbox whilst bring given "to" him is something the whole family will benefit from and my DS will probably use it more than he will. I will be able to replenish the cost to my savings in a reasonable amount of time so it's not going to cause any hardship. I have enough in my savings for any emergency that might crop up.

I noticed a PP mentioning that my DC will be hurt by receiving second hand presents whilst DSC get brand new -

Not all of their presents are second hand and they're still at an age where they pay no attention to things like that. Actually, in their eyes they will have alot "more" than DSC because one computer game costs the same as 3 or 4 individual things for them.

Edited to add - when I say second hand, that doesn't necessarily mean used, I've bought things on vinted that are still BNWT.

It'll be harder once they get older as that's when the requests for the expensive new games come as I've seen with DSC. I had a cursory look in Game last week and couldn't believe the price of the avatar game, £70 odd for the basic game and god knows how much for a specific bundle(?)

It baffles me when partners spend huge amounts on eachother for Christmas - myself and my partner don’t buy eachother anything, all our money goes on the children and we will spend on our anniversary! Christmas is about children when you have them.

as for not buying your SC anything, I couldn’t imagine doing that - all our presents are off us both equally and as for your kids moaning if they don’t get everything on the Christmas list - that’s very much a parenting issue - they should be greatful for what they get, our children are!

But, it seems they have clearly been together quite a long time and he seems like a decent person who did step up when she was ill, so he can't be completely useless - she mentions his "redeeming qualities", so hopefully they can work on the financial stuff and agree a way forward that she is happy with.

I feel really sad that someone being supportive and kind to their partner during illness/ recovery is seen as anything other than something that should be completely expected. It's not 'stepping up'.

Of course it's nice someone is nice to us, but it shouldn't be praised as if extraordinary or proof of great character.

You'd have to be a real arsehole to not help care for your partner when they're ill or recovering:

I'm pleased for you that you've had a chat and you've come to a conclusion which alleviates your stress. It's really, really hard living with adhd but he needs to understand that as far as he possibly can, he needs to take responsibility for himself. It's good that you're willing to help in as much as making sure the admin side of stuff is done, he probably doesn't realise what a burden that can be even if you're neurotypical.

I'm sure I have ADHD - I certainly have an abnormal executive function. While I understand it's not a case for try harder, I have had to find ways of going through life. Ex was useless, and I now live alone. Back in the day I hated myself for being such a failure, but I no longer feel that way and haven't for a long time.

I manage OK despite having to do it all myself. I have done so by trying out many different strategies, some of which have stuck.

Glad to hear you have the start of a plan for tackling this together

@Christingle94 Im so happy you’ve made some progress. My 2DS’s (16 and 23) both have ADHD and both struggle and need a lot of support and probably always will. I find the “just try harder” mentality very frustrating.
On another note I too have got some real bargains on Vinted, all brand new with tags.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas x

Same... except I'm the organized one AND also the one with executive dysfunction (its NOT an excuse). I start Xmas shopping around June/July specifically so I can't fuck it up, when you struggle you have to put MORE effort into pre-planning not just excuses. I honestly don't know how they leave it so late, I would have a nervous breakdown.

My DH has bought 1 thing and doesn't even know what he wants to get anyone else, he has no money left and doesn't get paid until 4 days before xmas. I'm stressed for him.

He said at the weekend he would be far more stressed if I didn't 'have it all sorted' so part of it is laziness and shitness with money but part of it is he knows I'm on the ball so if he fuck up Christmas will still be fine.

Really there would only be me let down if he fails as I have 99.9% of the kids stuff sorted and stuff for his nieces/nephews, parent from the kids etc...

For those (like me) diagnosed with ADHD, we may find it hard or even impossible to manage certain elements of our lives but this man is an adult with a family. With children.

He absolutely knows that paying £300 towards his household is absolutely not a fair contribution.

But he was happy with that arrangement. I think that's maybe where people are struggling to attribute so much if the situation to his ADHD.

A responsible grown adult knows that their contribution should be more than £300 and would be actively seeking out ways / methods / support to ensure they could contribute a more reasonable rate.

I don't doubt he struggles. His reaction to his struggles though, indicates that he is very comfortable with his partner having to do more than her fair share on a number of fronts. That's not nice.