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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and Christmas, AIBU?

215 replies

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 21:43

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 07/12/2023 08:28

My dh has inattentive adhd.. Resentment will come op.
Ime. Being the only adult is draining..

Original poster
Christingle94 · 07/12/2023 08:37

I wasn't expecting so many replies, thank you all. There's a lot to think about and some great advice.

Executive dysfunction is definitely a problem with ADHD and his manifests as poor money management, time blindness, disorganisation etc.

I'm going to sit down with him this evening and make a list of all expenditures including a budget for presents and suggest he buys on amazon so he can see exactly how much the basket total is before he buys it.

I have between 300 and 400 more than him coming in per month hence my contribution being higher. He also has maintenance to pay so I take that into consideration.

Regarding opening another bank account, yes that's an option and a good idea.

Somebody said his older DC seem ungrateful. Yes they are. I was talking about this on the step parenting board some time ago. I've come to really dread the present exchange with them as they're always underwhelmed and make that very clear. It has ruined a few Christmases for me so I leave all gift buying for them to him now, so when they're predictably disappointed it's not my circus not my monkeys, so to speak.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 07/12/2023 08:59

@Christingle94

If DSC are always underwhelmed then all the more reason not to stretch himself financially on their presents.

I'm also not sure why you're subsidising his child maintenance costs but that's another issue.

Anotherrname · 07/12/2023 09:07

@Christingle94 you only earn £300 more than him. That's not a lot. He should be paying HALF for EVERYTHING household and child related. That means rent, utility bills, Internet, children's clothes, children's clubs etc. He's taking advantage of you and knows he's having an easy ride.

RoachFish · 07/12/2023 09:13

You have made Christmas all about consumerism. You spend 4 months of the year buying and talking about buying Christmas presents and then you spend more money on them than you have. This is all so bonkers and I think you need to scale it down a few notches. The fact that the kids will complain if they don't get everything on their lists is very telling. You have taught them that they are entitled to absolutely everything they want and that's how they know they are loved and important.

Batgin · 07/12/2023 09:21

Shinyandnew1 · 06/12/2023 21:48

Don’t carry him then. Return the expensive present you got him and use that to pay the bills in December

Edited

100% this!

Original poster
Christingle94 · 07/12/2023 09:28

RoachFish · 07/12/2023 09:13

You have made Christmas all about consumerism. You spend 4 months of the year buying and talking about buying Christmas presents and then you spend more money on them than you have. This is all so bonkers and I think you need to scale it down a few notches. The fact that the kids will complain if they don't get everything on their lists is very telling. You have taught them that they are entitled to absolutely everything they want and that's how they know they are loved and important.

I strongly disagree with this.

The reason I start buying in September is to spread the cost. Alot of what I buy is actually second hand, albeit great condition. They haven't got hundreds of presents.

The xbox, whilst a splurge, is a one off gift. I have never spent so much on a present for anybody. The money for that came from my savings it hasn't eaten into any budget or left me short of anything, at all. I'm very smart with my money which is why I never run out, unlike him.

The DSC being ungrateful is nothing to do with me whatsoever. They have been that way since they were young, they're in secondary now.

Where I buy second hand for my own DC, DSC would never want something second hand and their dad would never buy second hand for fear of his ex giving him grief about it.

My children have been raised to be appreciative of whatever they get, whether it's a shiny new toy or a second hand jigsaw from grandma with bits missing. They love charity shops and trawling vinted with me.

The fact my own DC are complete opposites shows me that it's not a me problem at all.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 07/12/2023 09:32

The other thing you have to think about is how your joint children will feel in later years, knowing dad blows all his money on his older kids and makes no contribution to them.

Looking after you when sick, is a basic expectation when in a relationship - he doesn't need an Xbox as a thank you. He's not a child but everything you are doing is allowing him to behave like one. Nothing is going to kill attraction quicker than having to parent your partner!

I think you're going to have a shock when you make a list of true expenditure and realise just how much you've been subsidising him!

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 09:50

He sounds like a selfish prick tbh OP.

If you don't return the x box then you're mad! That money is needed to make up the shortfall he has caused as regards your family's household finances.

Frankly it's money that could be going towards the children's wellbeing (whether household bills / uniform / Christmas etc) instead of a bizarre reward for him when he's been selfish and thoughtless.

Prioritise them, not him.

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 09:53

Oh and in the mid 00s when I was 21 I paid £400 to my parents living at home on a £17k salary.

Because I was an adult working full time so was quite rightly expected to contribute to the household.

It's embarrassing for him that he's contributing less than that in 2023 as a parent and partner.

MrsElsa · 07/12/2023 09:57
  1. You are both spending too much on Xmas full stop.
  1. Get a joint acct, all wages and bills go in and come out of that.
  1. Monthly "personal spending money" is a standing order of e.g. £100 each into individual accounts.
  1. Monthly "joint savings money" likewise standing order into a joint savings acct.

You are treating him like a wayward child not an adult, pack it in

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 09:58

Where I buy second hand for my own DC, DSC would never want something second hand and their dad would never buy second hand for fear of his ex giving him grief about it.

My children have been raised to be appreciative of whatever they get, whether it's a shiny new toy or a second hand jigsaw from grandma with bits missing. They love charity shops and trawling vinted with me.

All this for you and the kids but in a cost of living crisis where you don't have loads of money to throw around, your DH gets a brand new xbox?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2023 10:06

He should be paying more than half of the households costs as he has additional children who aren’t your responsibility. You’re bending over backwards to make allowances for his ADHD and treating him like a child. I also agree he doesn’t need a big showy gift as thanks for basic parenting while you were recovering.

It’s awful you’re buying everything for your shared kids while he’s only buying for his older kids.

OneLollipop · 07/12/2023 10:18

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

Or you could tell him how much he owes you for his share of your joint DC's gifts. Don't be a doormat, OP, people will wipe their muddy feet all over you if you let them.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

One joint account into which you each have a transfer set up for the day after payday. To cover rent, bills, groceries, petrol, regular weekly and monthly expenses etc. Why on earth have you been putting groceries on your own personal card!?

One joint savings account into which you each have a transfer set up for the day after payday. To cover anything that's less regular like birthdays, holidays, Christmas, dentist, MOT etc.

One individual account each (that you each get paid into) with your "leftover" money for personal spending. Arguably this is where his maintenance payment should come from, I'm not sure you should be paying towards that. Yes it means he'll have less money than you, but you're paying more towards bills using your larger salary anyway.

Original poster
Christingle94 · 07/12/2023 10:38

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 09:58

Where I buy second hand for my own DC, DSC would never want something second hand and their dad would never buy second hand for fear of his ex giving him grief about it.

My children have been raised to be appreciative of whatever they get, whether it's a shiny new toy or a second hand jigsaw from grandma with bits missing. They love charity shops and trawling vinted with me.

All this for you and the kids but in a cost of living crisis where you don't have loads of money to throw around, your DH gets a brand new xbox?

That money was from my savings and is a one off expense that will last 10+ years and will also benefit all of the children who will be able to use it too. It had nothing to do with the monthly budget.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 07/12/2023 10:47

So he pays £300 to you for his share of rent and council tax (how is this so cheap?!)

So gas, electric, water, insurance bills, Food shopping, and all child related costs are paid by you?

LaurieStrode · 07/12/2023 10:59

MrsElsa · 07/12/2023 09:57

  1. You are both spending too much on Xmas full stop.
  1. Get a joint acct, all wages and bills go in and come out of that.
  1. Monthly "personal spending money" is a standing order of e.g. £100 each into individual accounts.
  1. Monthly "joint savings money" likewise standing order into a joint savings acct.

You are treating him like a wayward child not an adult, pack it in

Agree with @MrsElsa

I'd return the xbox.

PaminaMozart · 07/12/2023 11:19

All the money you are spending on him and his ungrateful children is money that ought to benefit your children. It's incredible that you can't see this. You ought to be a team, but instead you seem to be carrying and funding them, while he bumbles along in his own world. Neurodiversity is no excuse for selfishness.

SequentialAnalyst · 07/12/2023 15:02

Again I say: Work out what your expenses are. Forecast next year's based on that. Without this data, any strategy is surely bound to fail.

Then work out a joint strategy, together. Think it through. Talk through what next year will be like, month by month.

Make a plan as to how to manage the flow of money into and out of the household, and you as individuals. As PP have said, share your strengths with each other - and remember, you are both after the same goal.

Keep trying methods for coping with his ADHD behaviour, and utilising any ADHD advantages, again as PP have said.

StripeyDeckchair · 07/12/2023 16:24

Return the PlayStation you bought for him & use the money for your DCs Christmas

Hes watched you prepare for Christmas for 3 months & chosen to do nothing so this is the consequence of his choice

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 17:07

His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each

Let them moan, then. It's not your problem. If he can't afford to buy everything they want, he can't afford it. You need to make it clear to him that you aren't covering it.

If you keep covering for him, he's never going to learn from his mistakes.

amiold · 07/12/2023 21:19

So you pay more of the bills than him. You take his maintenance into consideration.. why? They're his kids to pay for and in essence you're paying for them because he doesn't contribute to his bills to pay the maintenance. Also, he leaves all present buying to you for the kids he has with you and buys presents for his other kids only. Money he can't afford.. but in reality you're paying because you allow him not to contribute to your kids presents but I bet they're from "mum and dad".

You're subsidising kids that aren't yours and you and your own kids lose out. He's taking the piss out of you.

LadyBird1973 · 07/12/2023 22:29

And it won't improve when they get older - they'll be just as ungrateful and demanding but on a larger scale. Are you going to let your own kids have less indefinitely, while he continues to buy his everything they demand ? And use your money (because make no mistake, he can only do it because you are paying his bills) to subsidise it?

Jack1987 · 08/12/2023 12:40

As a person with ADHD, I feel for you BOTH so much! I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re neurotypical in my response. Many people with ADHD get “time-blind” and they can’t math the pay days in response to the event if that makes sense? I’m an accountant and I’m fab with money NOW but I never used to be! Nothing much can be done for this year but whilst your partner is in this mode of feeling like a failure because yet again he did the ADHD thing and couldn’t plan… set up a savings account with a standing order from his bank account for £50 or more if you can afford it, each month starting January so next year when Xmas comes for the most part it’s taken care of! Please don’t punish him, trust me he is already feeling crap because he’s not been able to do the thing we’re expected to be able to do. I’ve been saying to my husband for years “please don’t punish me for not being able to do the same things you can - our brains don’t work the same and I am already trying my best!”

Bottom line - please bail him out this time as long as he promises to commit to the standing order so next year you are not in the same situation. I refer to it as being my future best friend! Xx

Ladyluck22 · 08/12/2023 12:51

Could you not take a bit extra off him each month then give it to him in December or save to help you towards the bills when he spends to much?

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