DP and Christmas, AIBU?

[Christingle94]

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

She's been bailing him out for YEARS!! He contributes £300 a month to the house and absolutely nothing for their shared dc at Christmas and she has to cover 90% of the bills alone he's taking the absolute piss out of her no other way of looking at it and him having adhd is a cop out for him being a shitty husband and father

I think I'd sit down and show him exactly the monthly costs of running your household. Work out a FAIR division. I presume he is paying maintenance for his kids? Factor that in although it should not impact on your lifestyle either. His responsibility and he has kids with you also.

As for Christmas and his apparent lack of organisation and money management, would you consider adding up the entire years projected expenditure BY HIM on his family and yours for birthdays and Christmas, divide the approximate figure by 12 and get him to transfer that to you to manage. Maybe you could open a Revolut account just for this type of expenditure. Then the funds are spread and you will (hopefully) not have to sub him to the extent you are now. It is causing you anxiety, so come up with a plan to overcome it.

You're in a committed long term relationship, have you considered a different way to manage finances? My partner and I have had a joint account since we moved in together and our wages go in to that for all household expenses, joint purchases etc. We then have a direct debit for the same amount each to our personal accounts for spending on ourselves. This way he would be contributing to your children's gifts as they would be bought from the joint account.

Shocked he pays £300 towards living expenses. He’s like a kept child. I paid more than that when I moved home. 😬

I put aside £50 each month and then have £600 towards Xmas every year. Completely automated- ADHD-proof. What’s to stop your partner doing that?

What would your partner do if he didn't have your income to fall back on? Tell him to do that.

If his condition means he can't manage money, then he's not going to suddenly become capable because its Christmas. If you're happy to accept financial responsibility because he can't, then you could extend this to cover Christmas. So work out what it will cost to bail him out this year plus an amount for his share of next year then add it to his monthly payments.

Was going to say this exact thing! I have ADHD too and have so far bought one single thing for DC, and nothing for anyone else. I probably pay more for Christmas than someone who has it together enough to buy tech on black friday, for example, but I can afford it because I save throughout the year. OP, your DP is taking the piss.

This is one of the reasons I've been divorced three times. I literally cannot stand this bullshit time and time again.

If your partner is expecting you to take on the entire financial management for your household, insist on doing it on your terms: all monies to be paid into an account which you control, you pay the outgoings and set aside monies for annual expenses including a Christmas fund, you transfer personal spending money into a separate account for your partner. You should not have to do this, but if he can't be an adult around money, somebody has to.

I have between 300 and 400 more than him coming in per month hence my contribution being higher. He also has maintenance to pay so I take that into consideration.

So effectively you're subsidizing the step kids out of your income. No good OP. His share of expenses should be calculated out of his income before maintenance is taken out.

Wondering the same as our household bills including our mortgage come to about £3000 each month!

Weaponised incompetence 100%. He is taking the piss out of you and your shared children.

Makes absolutely no sense. you're robbing from your shared dc and buying second hand gifts, whilst he and his dc get lavish gifts with expenses spared. There is nothing wrong with second hand, but your dc will grow up feeling like second class citizens in their own home.

You'd be better off havjng a bills account that you both pay your respective share of the bills money into (however you calculate it based on your earnings) and the you both have the rest of your wages for everything else and when he runs out he runs out. That way, you're not micro managing because you're both putting your bills money aside on payday, he's left with some money to "learn to manage" for the month and you have your leftover cash to spend or save as you see fit.
At the minute you're treating him like a child getting him to transfer money to you, reducing the amount to see if he can manage - it all has undertones of babying him.

And he's taking you for a ride with it - you've funded Xmas for him and now you're going to fund December for him while he spends over the odds playing catch up

@Christingle94

That money was from my savings and is a one off expense that will last 10+ years and will also benefit all of the children who will be able to use it too. It had nothing to do with the monthly budget.

I'd strongly suggest you replenish your savings before you spend anything else. I'm not saying return the Xbox but spending on such a large item from savings would worry me in case I had to cope with a large - possibly unbudgeted - problem/emergency, eg needing new boiler, roof repairs, one of you losing your job, needing to replace cooker/fridge freezer/car/holidays, etc. You know how much you need to spend each month so I'd increase the amount your husband transfers to you from £300 to a realistic amount which will include these contingencies because know he won't/can't if he's unable to do some now. Just energy bills and food must be more than this, monthly?

Be honest with yourselves how much needs to be set aside for potential spending, both emergencies and planned, so you don't have to cope with this month to month/year end financial scramble where the burden of problem resolution lies with you - smooth out your financials to take into account these commitments and put that money in an account only you access and which is separate from your own savings account.

You tried "letting" him be more financially responsible but that hasn't worked long term so you need to take up more of the reins again so you can ease your worry funding upcoming bills. 🌹

This is such a good idea! 👍🏼

There should be a standing order for his contribution for bills which goes out on payday.

He , like everyone else, has to pay bills before they can buy anything else. He doesn't get to not do that.

Exactly, @Newestname002

This is why I struggle to have sympathy for people who complain about financial woes. Usually there's an xbox or some other frivolous, indulgent spending behind it.

He sounds like a total loser.

Well able to have children, but sounds like a selfish irresponsible loser.

I can never see the attraction women have to these man child types that have to be provided for.

You are his safety net so he has zero reason to grow the hell up.

You sound amazing OP, juggling it all.

But he is a total loser that is only good for getting women pregnant 🙄.

Take that £300 back and stop subsidising this loser.

Your children deserve better.

Return that gaming box, more man child bullshit.

You deserve much better and your low bar is the reason he is continuing to behave this way.

Up your bar and tell him to sling his hook if he can't pay his way fully.

Exactly, how did he manage before he met you? Am assuming with the ex he did the same?
And he's rather clever isn't he for all he comes across like a confused lamb *I hadn't planned to get him an xbox initially.

I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and that was the only thing he came back with, followed with "..but I know its too expensive"* did he do that with big sad eyes?
It's absolutely like dealing with a child!

What is it about grown men, with 2 families, wanting an X box?

I know. And what is it about women who find these overgrown juveniles attractive?

This op.

100% agree!⬆️