DP and Christmas, AIBU?

[Christingle94]

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Can you tell us how much you pay? What's the difference in your earnings?

Forgive me for bring blunt but you are an idiot. At a time when every penny counts you've effectively reduced his contribution by 50% in the hope that he'll waste less money. That's like telling a child they spent all their pocket money so you'll give them more but expect them to spend less. He has proven himself a selfish, irresponsible that numerous times and all you've done is encourage him by picking up the pieces. Cop on. And buying him a x box because he looked after you and his dc after you had an operation is absolutely bonkers, why are you paying him for behaving like a normal loving partner?? I've a chronic illness, my dh is an absolute hero to me when I'm very ill but he doesn't expect or receive expensive gifts for caring because caring for each other is what couples do. You asked him what he wanted and he said a xbox buut that's expensive, you should have agreed with him and advised him to save for one next year, after all that's what you'd do with a child. Again, cop on, you're not providing a good example for your dc.

He must have a magnificent cock OP, cos he's taking you on an absolute ride.

He's either feeble minded or cunning and calculated.

£600 was all he had to pay you for everything? For his half of of rent, CT,gas, electric, internet, food, dc hobbies and clothes and expenses, insurances, any pets etc.. just £600?!!

Yet even with that small amount he still managed to wangle 300 back to ‘learn to manage’ money?!

I can’t believe this. This man has struck gold. Yet even if he spends all his money after now only contributing 300, he’ll still be fine because you’ll pay all his life costs whilst he plays on his new Xbox eating snacks like a child.

fuck that.

You buying him a Xbox and anything else you’ve chosen is irrelevant. You know he has ADHD you know he’s crap at money management. Giving him some responsibility is fine but I’d have put something in place to fall back on in your agreement. I’m speaking as someone who is married to someone with ADHD who has zero money management skills.

Its not that hard, controlling or taking on responsibilities to have set money accounts that money goes into each payday.

We find it far easier that all money paid into one account to pay for everything with x amount paying into personal accounts not related to family responsibilities or bills.

You tell him you need his contribution on pay day and do not let it go.

stop reminding him to buy presents for people. Theres no point removing that task from your list and then badgering him to do it. If he fails he fails. He probably will for a couple of years. Thats on him.

Off topic but @Ivegotthepowerr why do you wrap your own Xmas presents?!
I get buying yourself stuff but why wrap them up? Then just unwrap them? Do you act surprised when you open them on the day? Pretend you don’t know what it is? Does everyone know you got it for yourself or do you say it’s from someone else?

If i went and bought myself some new shoes and then came home and wrapped them in wrapping paper and then unwrapped them again my DP/family would think id lost the plot lol.

I don’t mean it in a mean way, I just don’t understand the thought process behind it?

A man who can't budget/manage his finances would give me the ICK.

A grown ass man who wants to play xbox would give me the ICK.

Get that household contribution back up to £600 from this month as there doesn't appear to be much hope that he'll be able to contribute whilst managing his own finances this month.

Leaving Christmas shopping to last minute wouldn't be an issue to me, however the whole lack of budgeting and financial planning as appears to be your DP's problem would create it as an issue.

He hasn't managed to change his patterns, though, has he?
Does he write down his expenditure and tot it up?
Do you write down all the family expenditure and add it up?
I would suggest you get the bank statements from this time last year up to now, and work out what was actually spent, and on what.
Without knowing properly how much you spend, it is hard to budget or to know what should be contributed, or put by.
I suppose he could open another account for himself, and pay a properly calculated amount into it each month by Standing Order. But I bet he'd dip into it?
He needs consequences in order to learn. At the moment, there are no consequences to him in mismanaging his finances, as you pick up the slack.

It’s lasting him longer as he has £300 extra to spend. Not because he’s getting better at managing it. If he’s running out in a couple of weeks rather than one that’s just because he’s got more to spend than he used to.

Why do you feel the need to show your appreciation with an xbos for "all he did" while you were recovering from an op? You are a couple. With joint children. Taking on the burden while the other parent recovers from an operation is a basic standard of being in a relationship.

@Christingle94

You sound lovely. You know your husband and how much his ADHD impacts him. People here don't.

you need to have a really good think about it & make your own decision.

without knowing your joint expenses etc £300 towards the rent/mortgage, utility & entertainment (streaming services etc) it seems way way to low, even the £600.

how much (net) does he get paid?

personally for Dec id talk to him & say you cannot afford to sub anything so just for this month can he transfer £xxx to you so you know the bills & food etc can be covered and thst in the NY you can look at the plan going forward.

but you need him to contribute more so that not all your income goes on the boring shit while he plays Disney Dad to his older kids!

is there anyway either if you could up your wages?

ADHD is different for everyone, your DH might really really struggle, if you love him, work with him not against him like some would have you do

Forget about Christmas more importantly he contributes only £300 for the family bills mortgage per month! How on earth do you even pay the mortgage. That’s terrible.

I'm sorry OP but yes you are. Youngsters who have just got their first job after leaving school pay their parents more than £300 a month to continue living at home. 18 year olds. Without children. That is less than £100 a week for everything...and thats before paying towards his own children.

You are subsidising and treating him like a child because he behaves like one. And you think that's sexy? Or normal?

Increase his contribution so he pays what he needs to for the whole month. Have it out into a different bank account and out your money in there too.

If you run out of money from that account before the end of the month then you both need to increase the contribution the following month.

If he wants to do the food shopping he can do it from that account then. If he spends too much money on the food shop then you run out and have to eat cheap food for the rest of the month, and you need to make it clear that is because he didn't spend the food money wisely.

He doesn't feel the consequences of his actions at the moment because you keep bailing him out. You need to stop!

I love all the posters who are trying to say this is not his ADHD. This is very typical ADHD!

This jumped out at me OP:

"He just doesn't consider these things and thinks because he gets paid in December he'll be able to catch up then and it'll all be fine. He doesn't look past the first week of being paid."

This again is very typical. People with ADHD find it extremely difficult to look forward. And consider consequences and problems in the future. It's part of the executive dysfunction and why they recommend immediate consequences for children with ADHD. A consequence 4 weeks away for example doesn't register.

People with ADHD also struggle to get their brains to work without novelty, interest or a deadline. The deadline has to be pretty immediate.

All of this means he will struggle to get going and plan adequately for Christmas. Fighting him on this is probably pointless.

I would suggest you either take over, or just let him get on with the way he does it. You say he's given you the money he has to give you (which seems a bit low tbh but that's a separate issue). If he runs out of his personal money then that's up to him to deal with.

If you want to understand ADHD a bit better then I would highly recommend taking the time (it's a long one!) watching this video. It's by one of the world's leading experts on ADHD Russel Barkley and he explains many of the issues that are relevant to the difficulties your DH is having with Christmas planning.

There's also a video or article somewhere about a woman with ADHD who couldn't get Christmas together at all to the point she would be driving her kids around Christmas Day trying to get food for dinner! ADHD is not a made up thing and it's certainly not "weaponised incompetence". Its makes it difficult or impossible to get yourself together! And everything that comes with that. Challenging and frustrating for both the person and their spouses!

I'd work out what half the joint bills and costs are and get in the joint account prior to him starting his shopping. Hes absolutely taking the piss with this £300 set up.

He can look at what he has left over, and then divide it up into a budget for Christmas expenses.

If he can't afford to get video games for DSC then they don't get them. That's life- lots of children are happy with far less.

He can put everything an Amazon basket - and then check out all at once- so he can see the total spend for all his Christmas shopping. Buying one gift at a time will make it harder to keep track and to not get carried away.

I have a lot of sympathy for people with ADHD. The people I know with ADHD work hard to manage it and have a million strategies to help them cope without burdening others. but time and time again I read on here about men whose only coping strategy is to rely on a woman to cover for them and pick up their slack. It's not on.

Get him to buy the presents online and pay using Klarna then he can spread the cost over 3 months, it comes out of his own bank account plus he won't be completely broke for the rest of December.

"We find it far easier that all money paid into one account to pay for everything with x amount paying into personal accounts not related to family responsibilities or bills."

Yes this makes much more sense. You then know he is paying his way and that there is enough money for the essentials. Then whatever he does with his personal spends is up to him, you don't need to worry about it (as long as debt is not an issue?).

And on the managing money issue bring all on you. I get that it's a responsibility but in a couple you need to play to your strengths. I have ADHD and my DH is NT but I manage all the money. This is because I am better at it. I have inattentive type so am not really impulsive so don't have those issues with money and I really love a spreadsheet (interest), plus my mum passed on huge anxiety about money so that stress helps with focus (probably not get healthy but it works!).

He on the other hand is patient and loves routine, whereas I can't do routine at all and get bored extremely quickly. So he does boring (in my mind) routine jobs that I can't keep up with consistently. He's good at this and doesn't mind as he doesn't find them boring.

You need to play to your strengths. If he is terrible at finances, you do that. Poorly managed finances causes so many issues and a lot of stress and arguments. It's not worth it. He can do other jobs that he is either better at, as good at, or which have fewer negative consequences if he fucks them up.

I have friends (thankfully not a partner) with ADHD and they are terrible with money and all the self loathing that follows. Also now you've had kids with him you've made your bed and need to figure out how to lie in it more comfortably

You have to take charge of his finances totally. Seperate accounts but you have the cards and pins, not him.

From this you ensure he pays his half of ALL household and child expenses, whatever he gives for his older DC, and put aside what's needed for birthdays, Christmas, new school clothes and so on. And the remainder he gets as pocket money to a separate account.

Either that or just work and pay for everything inc. whatever debt he gets himself into.

why not ask for £600 up front for this month?

You both know he’s going to struggle to juggle his budget. He’s trying to manage to be responsible which is good, but December is going to push him beyond his capacity to cope.

It’s a very reasonable adjustment to make. Come January, when the pressure is off, you can go back to the £300 arrangement again.

I’d also consider returning the x-box, buying something half that price for him and something lovely for yourself with the other half, if you think you’re going to be disappointed on Christmas Day. It’s not perfect but it’s better than being resentful about something that isn’t fixable right now.

@Christingle94 The bills will be paid (rent and council tax) and I've already paid for the Internet but within a week everything else will fall to me. The food shops, gas top ups, anything I want to do with the kids, the kids hobby clubs are due for term renewal so there's those to pay, more school uniform is needed due to growth spurts, more shoes for DS as he goes through them like nobodies business. Daily expenses. The £300 doesn't go very far at all.

He needs to pay half for everything - rent, council tax, gas top ups, Internet etc. Also calculate how much a typical weekly food shop is as well as the school uniforms and kids clubs and get him to transfer you half (on the day he is paid). £300 is a piss take. He'd pay more if he lived alone and had to pay you child maintenance.

He's taking advantage of you OP.

I think it is probably related to his ADHD - seems very typical. Leaving things to the last minute is common - it probably doesn't feel "real" until December. It's great that you can be organised enough to buy presents in advance, but I don't know anyone with ADHD (male or female) who can plan this sort of thing months ahead. There are services like Klarna and I think PayPal? that can spread the cost over a few months, and then he can take those installments straight out of his salary at the same time as household costs.

The best way I have found to "ration" money was to have two separate accounts, my salary went into one and then I transferred a set amount each month/week to the other by standing order. I only used my card for the second account so I couldn't overspend on everyday things. Could you sit down together and plan something like this for next year? So that there is always money kept back that isn't as easy for him to access. Or transfer a set amount each month into a savings account that gets left until December? I think you need some kind of system to stop this happening again and he will likely need help to set it up but then it would be automated so he wouldn't need to think about it as much.

I absolutely agree that he needs to be contributing a lot more towards the household though, it sounds like the amount that gets transferred over needs to be hugely increased.

He needs to pay half of all the bills, including rent, utilities, food, insurances, holidays, repairs and maintenance, and all irregular or yearly expenses - everything.

Since he is clearly incapable of managing money and you are determined to stay with him, he needs to transfer you this money each month. Include an allowance for birthdays and Christmas which you'll then give him as and when.

Yes, it's a bit like treating him like a child, but it's better than being taken advantage of as you are now.

And obviously return the X-box, so you won't be completely skint this Christmas.