DP and Christmas, AIBU?

[Christingle94]

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Take 600 this month. And if he hasn’t enough for his kids then you can offer to return his Christmas present and give him that.
has he improved AT ALL with only giving you $300 and coming up with the rest if it himself? He needs two bank accounts. One he gets paid into and transfers from it to you and from it transfers weekly into the other. The other is the one he gets money from.

Yup. You have. He's played you like a fiddle. Smart guy.

Agree @LaurieStrode if its as bad as those having a go at op say and it's on her to 'manage' and be the big responsible one, his entire salary needs to go to an account he doesn't get access to, and he gets personal spends to another, and its on him to buy gifts etc out.of that.

What an ableist comment. ADHD is not an excuse, it's a reason. And I would hope that in any marriage, spouses would be looking to support each other rather than it being every man for themselves. Not much of a marriage imo. Which is why I suggested playing to their strengths, rather than saying that the OP needed to do everything which is what you seem to have read.

And unfortunately ADHD can't be managed away just by trying harder. Strategies weren't a cure. I have loads of strategies in place. But they go wrong all the time. I missed going to an event I was really looking for were to only the other day because I put the event along with the many reminders I have to set myself before any appointment or event, in the calendar on the wrong fucking day. Thankfully my DH is a bit more understanding than you. I beat myself up enough for my failings. I don't need other people adding to it. People with ADHD commonly have co-morbid depression and anxiety. This is because of trying to manage everything they need to manage when their brain is working against them. It's also because people like you tell them how useless and stupid and lazy they are their entire lives. People with ADHD spend their lives beating themselves up because they can't manage "normal" life, because they don't fit in. They don't make excuses, diagnosis gives them an explanation for why they find everything that others just seem to do with minimal effort do difficult.

So please do fuck off with your "ADHD excuses". Im sure I'm way more fed up of the ignorance of people like you.

I think people here are posting from a lack of understanding of ADHD. It’s not fair to vilify him and doesn’t serve any purpose.

OP, I understand that you both wanted to have some of the things like shopping etc paid for on his card rather than yours all the time, but wouldn’t a better idea be to set up a JOINT account for all your household expenses, and you both have a card for this same account?

Budget effectively so you calculate all the daily expenses of living and child raising, then both put in the appropriate % into this account.

Then he is able to us “his card” for household expenses, from this joint account. You on the other hand will be able to keep an eye on it… because it’s a joint account.

You should also set up a savings account with a DD from his account so that he is saving some of the remaining money. You could pre-empt Christmas by setting up a Christmas pot in this way for him (maybe using something like a Monzo card which has easy savings pots). Ideally you can also monitor this so he doesn’t end up in a state where he is dipping into it each month and it never grows.

The rest of the money is clearly marked as his “fun” money and he can do what he likes with this without guilt.

I think you have to be realistic that you’re married to this man and have kids together and as you say he is great in lots of other ways, so you need to find a way to make his money management automatic and overseen by you, whilst still giving him his own card and also helping him develop good habits - not by having free range to do what he likes, but by living with good habits as you have a structure in place that’s basically automatic.

We have so many great financial tools and apps etc these days so it’s easy to set this stuff up in an hour or so.

As an aside, I don’t do any Christmas shopping in September! As long as you have the funds, late November seems like an ok time to start Xmas shopping. I will finish mine off next week.

He hasn’t got better at budgeting he’s just got more money to spend so it lasts longer.

£600 is nothing for him to contribute nevermind £300. You need to take half of ALL the bills, your food shops and your kids activities. Or a % depending how much more you earn but him contributing £300 is unfair to you.

I agree get him to contribute £600 this month. It’s fine to start shopping at the last min if he wants but he should have saved up some money. Also next year I’d be asking for half for your DC Christmas presents.

A longer term solution; perhaps you get a separate bank account for joint bills (in just your name if he really can't be trusted not to dip in). You both set up a standing order for the day after you get paid to put enough into this account for ALL household bills, including enough to save for Christmas for the year. Any excess you keep in your individual accounts to spend as you wish, but it means you'll be able to pay for food shopping etc out of the 'joint' account rather than your personal money & you'll have money to buy JOINT presents for your DC next year. Your portion could always be slightly more if you feel you should contribute more due to higher earnings.

Short term, he could get a credit card to pay for this Christmas & then he'd have to pay that off using his 'excess' next year. Granted that may be a risky solution for someone with poor impulse control, but you could cut it up as soon as the month is up to limit the damage & it's ultimately up to him to then pay for it, rather than falling to you.

Yep. No way would I be buying this man an Xbox.

Another one with a DH with ADHD. Completely agree with @InattentiveADHD and some of the comments are really ableist.

ADHD is not an excuse but it is a reason. Of course it's on him to come up with strategies to help himself but part of being a couple is supporting your partner. OP can of course decide this is too much and leave but if she chooses to stay she needs to help him (or accept living with this type of mess). I'm autistic and believe me DH helps me as much as I help him.

It sounds like he is trying - he's already agreed he'll transfer her the 600 this month all, and it sounds like it's OP that suggested he had 300 more to pay more of the expenses directly.

OP, I agree with everyone - 600 doesn't sound like it is likely to come close to 50% of actual expenses. You need to work out how much the household costs a month together (including an agreed amount for family trips etc) and have that in a joint account each month. Then the rest of his money is his to choose how he spends. If he doesn't have enough money to buy his kids what they want, that's his problem. You can then slowly work on him taking responsibility for paying specific joint bills from the joint account, if that's what you want.

For what it's worth, in our house all Christmas present shopping is done except that absolutely nothing has been bought for DH's family. I made it very clear 15+ years ago this was not my problem. In the early days they often didn't get presents. He has managed to work through it himself. He also knows there will be he'll to play if he doesn't get me anything and I always get something, albeit sometimes last minute and fairly random!

Then he is able to us “his card” for household expenses, from this joint account. You on the other hand will be able to keep an eye on it… because it’s a joint account.
And if he empties that account and bills are due?

Please stop pandering to this cocklodging manchild! At least return the effing XBox and get him a £50 xbox vouchers. He sounds about 15. How can you bear it?

I guess this is a risk but I’m operating on the assumption that her DP is disorganised and time blind rather than reckless. So presumably they would have a discussion about what specific expenses can be put on the joint card (eg food shopping) and what expenses he’ll need to use his own fun money card for (eg impulse buys or treats).

Your dsc sound pretty ungrateful

What are your total household monthly outgoings? Including food, fuel etc?

You're totally infantilising him and enabling his incompetence. Does it not give you the massive ick that you have to treat him like this and he's constantly letting you down?

Absolute manbaby.

@Glowygoose lols I completely agree with you it is nuts that I wrap up a couple of gifts I've bought myself so I have a few things to open on Christmas day!! I've done it for years so I'm used to it now. I've just come to accept that while my husband is great at providing financially for our family he is rubbish at shopping for anything, he barely does any shopping at all and that includes for himself, and I have full financial control of the household. So I buy what I need and want throughout the year and on xmas day I have a couple of things to 'open'.

If he’s only giving you £300 towards the bills, what has he got left?

I assume he works full time! It’s a very small amount he’s giving you.

In January set up a monthly savings account with a good interest rate for Christmas, to which you both contribute. You can give him his share at the end of November.

As others have said, he is extracting the urine with the amount of money he is giving you. Insist in 50% of all regular expenses, plus a small contingency, every month going forward. It's time for a change, and hopefully less stress for you.

He should give you his share of the total cost of bills and shopping etc. plus a tiny bit extra for annual expenses. Put some aside for emergency savings.

He's shown zero responsibility and you've ended up paying the price.

And yeah, return the Xbox.

Op we are married and each pay what we can afford into a specially set up different bank to our usual banks for Xmas.

I pay marginally less than dh. When we had no money this was a few pounds a month. Now it's a few hundred.
So why not ask him for x amount each month on top of what he already gives this January and put it into special seperate joint Xmas saving?

Why doesn't he pay 50% of living expenses? Why do you have to shoulder everything? Your problem is not Christmas, it is that he doesn't pay his way.

As gently as possible, you reduced his responsibility and gave him what you thought was a fair chance and he blew it. Take more off him this month to prevent all the things you listed you’ll be lumped with so that his irresponsibility doesn’t then mean your kids miss out.

I will say I’d struggle to have to take money this way, you’re not his mum and AHDH doesn’t exempt you from considering your kids (I have it, I get it, you have to find work arounds for things you KNOW are issues you can’t simple coast with excuses your whole life).

What exactly is he trying? Has he worked out his weekly budget? Most banking apps now have pots to separate your funds and make budgeting much easier. On the most basic level if he can’t even tell you what his outgoings should be and that he understands he’ll be short this month, then let’s be real, he hasn’t been actually trying to manage this at all. I think you’ve all the best intentions but sometimes people won’t change because they know they don’t need to.

Yabu for letting him get away with it!!! Stop carrying him.

OP I think you should write down all your expenses for the month including kids clubs and shoes/uniform. Then sit down together and make sure you are both paying a fair amount.

Is he not contributing anything towards your kids Christmas? Not planning, paying or even thinking about them just his kids from his first marriage? Because that's really awful if so.

I think you buying him an expensive Xbox for looking after you and the kids when you are ill is also mad. It's just a basic thing that partners and parents do! Would you have expected a big gift as a thank you if it had been the other way round, or would it just have been expected because you're a wife and mother?

The bar for men is so low its a tavern in Hades 🙄