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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and Christmas, AIBU?

215 replies

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 21:43

We've been together 6.5 years and have children, he also has DC from a previous relationship. We have split finances for numerous reasons, largely due to me being alot "better" with money than he is. He struggles with his ADHD and money management. He does have redeeming qualities, before anybody asks.

I deal with all of the bills, he just transfers me his portion of the money when he gets paid.

He has form for dithering when Christmas is coming up and doesn't start buying until it's too late, IE in December and all out of one pay check.

I've been buying since September and have all of my buying done. He on the other hand has bought one small thing for DC and nothing that is on any of their lists. He hasn't bought anything for me yet, his DM etc.

The whole reason I start buying in September is because I know he does this and if I didn't sort Christmas myself, it would be pretty shit for the kids and me when he spends all of his money at the last minute rushing to get things or they don't end up with things they really want.

I've spent alot of money including on him. He wanted the new xbox which I've got him, he doesn't know yet.

The kids (ours) have got plenty of really nice stuff (some second hand but fab condition) and will be really happy come Christmas day.

I no longer buy for DSC and leave that all to him after years of hurtful reactions to gifts, they don't want or need this, that's crap etc. MN suggested I stop troubling myself with it so that is what I did but I've been telling him since September to make a start on their Xmas presents..

So to my point.

Come his pay day which is next Friday he's going to go out and spend more than we can afford in one month, trying to play catch up. That will have repercussions for me as I'll then be carrying him through the rest of the month. His DC are going to moan if they don't get everything they wanted which includes multiple brand new games which cost 50-60 pounds each.

So on top of everything I've spent already which completely absolved him of any requirement to contribute to our DC Christmas, he is now going to cost me even more money when he powers through his last wage of the year and runs out within the week because he has to buy loads for his older DC and will want to buy me some nice things too.

His heart is in the right place and he has already said he feels like a failure because I've 'finished' Christmas buying already and have got everything they need, but good intentions won't cushion the blow when I've got to worry about his financial contribution to the household this month.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ifellasleep · 06/12/2023 22:17

I buy DS his shoes on Vinted because he kills them, ditto pretty much everything except undies.

Can you divert fees to the end of the month pay day? Ditto uniform.

I would get him to send you more to cover petrol and food and get him to do a standing order to a Christmas account for next year.

Luxell934 · 06/12/2023 22:17

Why is he only sending you £300?

DuploTrain · 06/12/2023 22:21

I don’t understand why he only sends you £300 at the beginning of the month. He should send you enough to cover the whole month’s food shopping, expenses etc, not just the bills.
If there was money left at the end of the month you could give it back to him or carry it over to the next month.

If you do cover his share of some things this month then make sure he gives it back to you as soon as he is paid in January.

Original poster
Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:23

Luxell934 · 06/12/2023 22:17

Why is he only sending you £300?

Because a few months ago we agreed he would reduce the amount he sends me directly and instead learns to budget his money better.

So for example - he has more in his own account (to cover expenses, shopping etc) but has to be sensible with it.

The reason I'm worried about this month is because I know he's going to want to buy loads of presents all in one go, so he'll be skint in no time.

I have voiced all of this to him this evening and he said he will send me more this month, so we will see.

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 06/12/2023 22:24

It's not the ADHD. He just doesn't try because he knows he can fall back on you.

Why isn't he routinely sending you more than that per month?

Why doesn't he have money auto-diverted into savings accounts for expenses like Christmas?

What ages are his other kids? This is a man who has chosen to sire at least four human beings, from the sound of it, and still runs through his pay like a teenager working their first job???

Would you trust him to rear your children if (god forbid ) something happened to you? I just don't understand.

Original poster
Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:26

DuploTrain · 06/12/2023 22:21

I don’t understand why he only sends you £300 at the beginning of the month. He should send you enough to cover the whole month’s food shopping, expenses etc, not just the bills.
If there was money left at the end of the month you could give it back to him or carry it over to the next month.

If you do cover his share of some things this month then make sure he gives it back to you as soon as he is paid in January.

It used to be £600.

He vowed to curb the unnecessary spending and wanted to have more control of his money so that it wasn't me always getting the food shopping on my card, for example.

He he has got better (not perfect but definitely better) but Christmas and his lack of planning is going to put everything up in the air.

OP posts:
Ivegotthepowerr · 06/12/2023 22:30

Rather you than me, op, sounds stressful but then my dh never buys presents for any of the adults in his life and doesn't expect anything for himself! I buy a couple of things I want for myself and wrap them up for myself which is weird but there you go.

I think you have an dh who hasn't become a grown up around money and sees you as the responsible one who will take care of everything. You have to decide if this is worth all of the stress, sacrifice and mental load. For me I wouldn't enjoy tying myself to someone who seemed financially irresponsible. Can you see a life coach / counsellor or something with him to get to the bottom of it? What were his parents' patterns around money?

GKD · 06/12/2023 22:32

OP how much are your household bills?

are you paying the bulk?

AMuser · 06/12/2023 22:34

Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:26

It used to be £600.

He vowed to curb the unnecessary spending and wanted to have more control of his money so that it wasn't me always getting the food shopping on my card, for example.

He he has got better (not perfect but definitely better) but Christmas and his lack of planning is going to put everything up in the air.

Show quote history

£300 is a pitiful anount to be contributing. He should be ashamed of himself. And how has he got better if he hasn’t even set aside anything at all for Christmas.

Luxell934 · 06/12/2023 22:36

If you deal with all the bills and he just transfers you the money then surely £300 isn’t half of all the bills?

Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 22:40

He won't change while you're making it so easy for him not to.

And Christ if I was with someone who was so crap with money I'd definitely not be dipping into my savings to buy them such an excessive gift. I'd be saving it for what you'll need it for - bills/essentials.

Original poster
Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:41

I do pay a larger % of the household bills as I get paid a bit more than he does, though I wouldn't say I'm a high earner either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:44

Reading these replies and they're making me think I've been taken for a fool 😔

OP posts:
AMuser · 06/12/2023 22:45

You literally reduced his contribution to the household by 50%. That’s bonkers given that everything is getting more expensive.

Ju1ieAndrews · 06/12/2023 22:46

£300 is a pitiful amount for him to be contributing, that is just ridiculous.

But at least you have a fall back plan of sorts; if he runs out of money, you can tell him that you purchased the Xbox for Xmas and you now have to return it; get him a token £5 gift to open n the day instead.

Keep the money from the Xbox and tell him that he now has to go back to contributing £600 a month as he's shown that he can't manage his finances any better.

Though £600 still seems low, without knowing your outgoings it's difficult to comment.

Motnight · 06/12/2023 22:47

Your DH used to pay £600 towards bills. That was half your joint outgoings, Op? I'm impressed.

GreatGateauxsby · 06/12/2023 22:48

Ridiculous behaviour.

Return the Xbox and use that to cover the shortfall he creates.

if you want to stay with this lemon from Jan 2024 make him give you an extra £50/75 /whatever pm to cover his share of gifts and you sort them.

Doubleespresso33 · 06/12/2023 22:50

I have adhd but I start shopping early in the year as I know my spending can be abit chaotic and only ever after bills are paid never before.

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 22:50

Take the Xbox back. Stop covering for his lack. Yes he looked after things while you recovered, but that's basic adulting, it doesn't need rewarding for being a good boy with a gift you can't afford because of his financial incompetence.

Time he stood on his own two feet and felt some consequences of his actions.

Original poster
Christingle94 · 06/12/2023 22:51

AMuser · 06/12/2023 22:45

You literally reduced his contribution to the household by 50%. That’s bonkers given that everything is getting more expensive.

No, the plan wasn't to reduce his contribution to the household. He was expected to contribute to all , the only change was that he'd be contributing everything else, after the main £300 which was towards rent and CT, from his own account instead of me micro managing it all from my own.

It can be stressful being the only person budgeting and dealing with the financials so I was keen for him to, how do I put this, grow up and learn to start managing his money.

There has been improvement, but clearly not enough as he completely failed to consider Christmas.

OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 06/12/2023 22:53

It's not really you what you ask, but there is a middle ground between having it all done and wrapped etc in Sept, and not starting until Dec.

I have bought a few gifts, but (as I don't need to send any parcels) won't buy the rest until...dunno, this week and next I suppose. The difference is that I do have the funds.

GreatGateauxsby · 06/12/2023 22:53

just saw the £300 pm

that is an absolute joke.
like actually disgraceful and he should be ashamed. I’d be amazed if that covered food and council tax let alone everything else…(water gas electric tv phone insurance etc)

our outgoings were £2.5k pm when we were a couple…. Let alone now we have kids…

ChiIIieP · 06/12/2023 22:59

Where did I go wrong paying all these bastard bills and 50% on everything when there's people out there living the dream only paying £300 of their salary and the rest to themselves. He is ABSOLUTELY taking the piss out of you. Life doesn't work that way.

StaceysDaughter · 06/12/2023 23:00

He is absolutely having you on

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 06/12/2023 23:04

Wouldn’t we all love to live off £300 a month and that’s including paying for kids wow .
Even £600 is a bargain. I’d go into the new year with new plans
He pays £600 and helps with clubs and bits and pieces of shopping . Your paying the internet out your money and the kids stuff . No way .

He needs to curb his spending.
Take £600 when he gets paid and if he has nothing left the rest of the month thats his issue. If you really must give him Any money to get through to next pay day then “loan “ it to him.