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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

204 replies

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:07

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

OP posts:
EdinGirl · 06/12/2023 12:09

You sound a bit jealous. I would think it's lovely for her to have someone else who adores her. It's important for young people to have close adults outside of family

KitchenAngst · 06/12/2023 12:10

What do you mean by 'consider your feelings'? Isn't it perfectly possible she thinks you like seeing someone enthusiastic about your teenage daughter?

Lindar79 · 06/12/2023 12:11

you say she’s over familiar, does your daughter think so? TBH you sound jealous of the relationship and that you aren’t the person doing this to your daughter. You should be embracing the fact that other people love your child

Sheepskinthrow · 06/12/2023 12:12

Eh? She sounds lovely! What do you mean by over-familiar?

Beefcurtains79 · 06/12/2023 12:13

Sounds a bit odd, does her daughter maybe not have many friends so she’s a bit desperate to keep your daughter around?

Headband · 06/12/2023 12:14

Beefcurtains79 · 06/12/2023 12:13

Sounds a bit odd, does her daughter maybe not have many friends so she’s a bit desperate to keep your daughter around?

I think it's this .

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:14

I feel insecure about it. I lost my mum at birth and so the mother daughter relationship is something I feel like I'm guessing at sometimes. My daughter and I are close and do lots together, but I am her parent and there are times when I need to say things she doesn't like, like being home at a reasonable time if she goes out in the evening. Obviously with the friend's mum there is none of this and she is very fun - she is always treating them and lets them have a drink at her home.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 06/12/2023 12:14

How does your daughter feel? This is the main consideration surely.

Mamette · 06/12/2023 12:15

Beefcurtains79 · 06/12/2023 12:13

Sounds a bit odd, does her daughter maybe not have many friends so she’s a bit desperate to keep your daughter around?

I thought this too

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:19

Both girls are very popular and have a big group of friends. It's things like, I'll offer for the girls to sleepover at ours and the other mum always engineers it so that it's never our house, always hers.

OP posts:
Sahara123 · 06/12/2023 12:20

My now adult daughters have always had lovely relationships with their friends Mums, as have I with their friends. I never realised what a pleasure it is seeing them all grow up into wonderful young women . And I’ve told them that too. One daughter recently went out to dinner with one friends parents as they happened to be where she lives. They were so pleased to see her, it warmed my heart! Another took a set of parents on a private tour around where she works in a lovely historic London building. It’s great to have a variety of relationships with different people.

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:23

My daughter doesn't feel unhappy about any of it. The feelings of being uncomfortable are all mine. I'm just trying to get to the point where I understand how and why I feel like this. Is it all me or partly the other parent being overbearing and positioning herself in my daughter's life. There was an occasion where she tried to get my daughter to confide in her about how far she'd taken things with a boyfriend and I just feel the other mum oversteps. I'm not an absent parent, I'm absolutely here and present and involved in my daughter's life.

OP posts:
TammyJones · 06/12/2023 12:23

I think if this mum is undermining your authority then you may have a problem
Do you let her drink at your house?
(Assuming she's 18?)

Lwrenagain · 06/12/2023 12:26

@Winterslopes can you invite this mum and her daughter over for a girly evening? Pizza/mocktails etc? Stick on a christmas film? Or plan a day at Christmas markets? Something not to intense but festive and fun?
Don't be left out of the good stuff and don't be getting upset either, this isn't a bad thing necessarily.

My best friends daughter and I are very close. She'd have thought nothing of ringing me or my DP to collect her if she was bored/annoyed at her mum, my friend like yourself hasn't a mother, so relationships with other women were paramount for her DD as she's no gran or aunts and sometimes we just don't want to tell our mums everything.

Some independence is good. It doesn't sound like love bombing, it sounds like she's just generous and likes your DD.

Get in on it @Winterslopes , you may make a terrific friend here x

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:26

I feel comfortable with my daughter having close relationships with mums of her other friends, it's just this one that makes me feel this way.

I think it's because it doesn't feel very balanced. She doesn't let her daughter come away with us or stay with us, but wants us to let our daughter to stay with her.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 06/12/2023 12:27

When you say older teenage daughter what age are we talking?

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:29

@Lwrenagain your post makes sense but that's the crux of it. When I do invite the other mum in for a drink or try to do something with all of us, she isn't interested. It's always on her terms and she has to be the one controlling, arranging, hosting, front and centre.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:29

17 now, but it's been like this for 5+ years.

OP posts:
Lwrenagain · 06/12/2023 12:32

@Winterslopes two things you've said here 1)asking questions about boys and sexual things 2) her DD not coming to your home.

This mum sounds like she's trying to safeguard somewhere, I know I don't let my DC to peoples homes unless I know and trust them implicitly due to experiences I had as a child. She may have experienced something similar and can't allow her DD that freedom so will try to over compensate with being the cool mum so her DD doesn't miss out. She may being weird and just nosy, but she comes across to me as wanting to just protect her DD x

Aydahayda · 06/12/2023 12:32

I’d say the double standards (your daughter goes to hers but doesn’t want her daughter coming to yours, eg) you describe and no interest in getting to know you make this odd, tbh. These factors would bother me too, not her getting along fantastically with your daughter in itself

TimeIhadaNameChange · 06/12/2023 12:33

I wouldn't like it though I'm finding it hard to say why.

Aydahayda · 06/12/2023 12:34

Lwrenagain · 06/12/2023 12:32

@Winterslopes two things you've said here 1)asking questions about boys and sexual things 2) her DD not coming to your home.

This mum sounds like she's trying to safeguard somewhere, I know I don't let my DC to peoples homes unless I know and trust them implicitly due to experiences I had as a child. She may have experienced something similar and can't allow her DD that freedom so will try to over compensate with being the cool mum so her DD doesn't miss out. She may being weird and just nosy, but she comes across to me as wanting to just protect her DD x

That is a possibility but could also not be that. If she’s had these experiences then she would understand that other mothers might feel uncomfortable at this double standard and try to get to know the other mother? Go visit them once, so her daughter is there but she also is, so she’s still safeguarding, if that is her concern

Lwrenagain · 06/12/2023 12:35

Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:29

@Lwrenagain your post makes sense but that's the crux of it. When I do invite the other mum in for a drink or try to do something with all of us, she isn't interested. It's always on her terms and she has to be the one controlling, arranging, hosting, front and centre.

Ah, the more you post the less I'm able to defend really. She sounds quite a tough one to navigate here and I think you have been really good not just bitching about this to your DD!

Original poster
Winterslopes · 06/12/2023 12:36

@Aydahayda That's what makes me feel something's not quite right. It's an instinct, I feel physically uncomfortable and kind of rejected by her. I don't know if the whole situation is just playing on my insecurities around mother and daughter relationships or if the other mum feels she can sort of be closer to my daughter than I am, and why would she want to be?

OP posts:
minipie · 06/12/2023 12:39

I think friends’ parents being welcoming and interested is lovely but this does sound a step too far. Trying to chat with your DD about her relationship and how far it has gone in particular. Also the letting them have a drink without checking with you.

I am not sure there is a lot you can do about it though tbh. Maybe just let your DD know that she doesn’t have to answer questions from other adults if uncomfortable.