Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

And this is an even bigger problem. Much as I want my Dc to get on well with many kids and their families, I would push back firmly if another woman talked about one of my DC as being in her family. It’s great to say that other people’s DC are a pleasure to look after, welcome any time etc but not to say they’re a third son etc.

I imagine she doesn’t really have an ‘end game’ as such. She is just following and doing what feels good to her and not giving much thought about what feels good for anyone else. Following her instincts and noticing opportunities.

You do need to set boundaries and you need to teach your daughters to set boundaries by example.

How about starting with practising the classic, catch-all phrase “this doesn’t suit me”?

Do you feel like she’s one of those “My daughter is my best friend” mums? I always find them overly-invested and frequently immature/insecure. You can have a close, loving relationship without trying to be their friend. They need a parent.

I hope I'm not being weird here but it sounds creepy and groomy. I wouldn't like it.

I noticed that with the only child parents might behave like this to make sure that they are involved in child’s life, another reason might be additional needs of the child (but it doesn’t seem to be in this case) or it could be that the other family is problematic in some way (e.g alcohol or drugs which is obviously not the case with you) .
I wouldn’t like my DD being a part of other family - she is part of mine. Something is not right in here. This girl’s attitude towards you means that she is hiding something:her feelings about you for some reason or general distrust towards other adults again for some reason.
By the way could it be that this girl is gay and interested in your DD ? I know they know each other for 5 years but still.
You have to keep digging and invite them more to yours. Your advantage is that you know this mum so plan ahead all responses and don’t be shy to be not rude but rather unpredictably and politely stubborn . Answer no and that’s it.
I think your DD needs a new hobby etc towards uni. You don’t want them to go to the same place do you?

OP this happened to a friend of mine and my DH's mother is like this. It is 100% inappropriate and you need to be the adult and take control. Your daughter is a child still, she needs you to look out for her and help when she is being manipulated and wooed by a woman significantly older and more experienced.

The other mother will look out for her child only, that is her primary concern. She doesn't love your daughter more than her own so what she is doing will either benefit her or her daughter. You need to look out for your own daughter and trust your instinct.

In the two occasions I have witnessed/experienced this, the 'other mother' has low self esteem or her own issues, inserts herself into a teenage friendship group, has very few adult friends of her own and always socially engineers 'gatherings' at her house. Then in one of my experiences the mother slowly replaced the original mother (literally she took over every life event) and unfortunately the original mother became unwell and passed away. Now it is as though the original mother never really existed and this other woman dominates everything and is impossible to get rid of as she has completely embedded herself in this other kid's friendship group. It is extremely weird.

Your daughter is old enough to understand sense. You need to talk to her and explain that it is weird for a mother to be close friends with children that are not her children, to the exclusion of the actual birth mother. Explain that you are a human being too and you would like the joy of sharing lifes moments with her and her friend. By being pushed out you are missing out on these moments and it's hurting you and it's unkind. This other woman needs to respect your role as your daughter's mum and if she doesn't you need to stand up to her.

I know I sound harsh but you need to stand your ground. Parents should socialise with people their own age, not tag along with their children and become friends with their children's friends.

It’s the keeping you at arm’s length and not wanting you to join in that seems very off to me, OP.

I had a friend who’s mum was younger than my mum and was more ‘huggy’ and more relaxed with drinking etc. I was round there with my friend and her regularly gossiping with her as much as with my friend, BUT, she was keen to have a good relationship with my mum and we did a lot as a 4-some. They would come to mine as much as we’d go to theirs.
The dynamic seems off here, I don’t think it’s necessarily sinister, probably this mum just has a few emotional issues, but keep an eye on it.
I would make sure you keep having plenty of 1:1 time with your daughter and don’t ben over backwards to accommodate this mum if you and your daughter happen to have different plans. Also, be politely firm about having them round to yours, if you can.

Very odd and without knowing the people involved, it does make me think of grooming behaviour. The fact that the other mom is actively trying to exclude and 'other' you is a red flag IMO

She sounds like she wants to be 'the cool mum' and be friends with her DD and her friends. Sad behaviour from a grown woman.

Inviting yourself along to a holiday organised for teenagers is not normal! It sounds like this woman has no boundaries and that's why you feel uncomfortable with her - she's not behaving as you expect her to behave. It's not you, it's her. Given that your daughter is 17, I would be quite open with her and tell her that you don't like some of the things she does and explain why. See what her perspective is, and whether she sees any of it herself. You don't need to slag off the other mum, but you can say gently that you think she's being inappropriate.

I agree 100% with this. If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right. Don’t doubt yourself, this woman is doing something that’s unnerving you and your feelings are correct.

Maybe your daughter is old enough to understand that you want to spend your birthday with her, yet this woman has taken over and shoved you out. Although Your daughter might be conflicted now that this woman has ingratiated herself with her.

I don’t know what you are going to do, but I just wanted to say, trust your feelings.

Some questions have come up about the other mum and their family. They are very sociable and seem to be out or having guests over all the time.

They go on holidays with other families, different people every year. The family know quite a few influential and successful people. The husband takes a back seat and is just sort of in the background.

Yes I for one, have experienced exactly this - love bombing with gushing over familiarity, always being there, available & desperate to spoil my daughter, seemingly oblivious to my preferences or the values and ethics of our family.. I gently, gradually expressed what I was feeling about it to my daughter. After not too long she started to understand where I was coming from and picked up on the extremity of this mother's need to be seen as amazing, super friendly, generous etc. My daughter has now subtly withdrawn somewhat to a position that I feel comfortable with and she has been able to grow up and develop in the meantime. I realised that as well as delighting in love bombing my daughter, this mother's headspace was also absolutely saturated with gender and self id ideology, holding herself up as a saintly "be kind" woman. Ignore the ignorant responses from women here of the "live & let live" ilk; you are right to be wary of this woman and her out of proportion, grating manner of relating to your daughter.

@Arealnumber how old was your daughter when you had this situation? At the moment DD loves the attention from the other mum and I'd have to be very careful not to come across as wanting to ruin DD's fun.

I thought you suspected she was a paedo. Why have you allowed your daughter to go for so long if you’re uncomfortable with it?

I could probably be accused of "stealing" my DD's best friend too. I'm really not, I'm just welcoming and have an open door, open dinner table, policy for my kids' friends.

.... Unlike her own mum who is very strict, reserved and doesn't welcome friends to the house. Unsurprisingly, she prefers to hang out here, as at home, she can't have even one friend over without a load of guilt tripping.

Perhaps you could have a casual chat with DD and mention that you have really started to notice how OtherMum always seems to like to make sure the teenage plans are at her house or that she can be involved in some way, and what does DD think of it? Alsio, does the daughter seem to notice/mind?

I think it's important to do in a way that is clear you aren't threatening your DDs relationship with this family or she might feel defensive and shut down communication with you. The tone, at least initially, needs to be that you're just noticing something and asking her about it out of curiosity.

@UrghAnotherOne the issue in these situations is that it’s not for the child to decide who they prefer. Children need to be guided by their parents and if their parents are strict then that’s their lot in life.

Sounds creepy as fuck

soooo

The bit where you said she talks to your daughter about sex sends out massive red flags to me. Trust your instinct. Be really aware of drink spiking. She could be filming her in the shower and uploading it etc. Women can be perverted. She could be harmless but many teenagers are clueless and are too trusting whereas parents have life experience and so should trust their instincts. Try to find out more about her and see if her daughter comes across as genuine too. The apple often doesn't fall far from the tree. Don't dismiss it as her trying to be a cool mum. I wouldn't dream of talking to someone elses teenager about sex. It's odd. Sick people try to alienate their victims from loved ones it's grooming and manipulation. Before everyone comes all guns blazing at me on here I have known of very sick offences caused by trusted women - it does go on. I will add much to others shock on here I have socialised with my parents at their friend's houses over the years and still see their friends at my parent's events now and we have a chat and catch up. It's not weird to me that adults socialise with teenagers in certain settings but talking about sex and alienating them is!

I wouldn't like it either. I bet people wouldn't feel completely with this behaviour coming for a friend's dad.

My dd had a friend with a mum like this. Loved all her kids’ friends. The front door was never locked, everyone welcome. I rang one time when dd had gone over to find out if there was any adult at home with this bunch of 14/15 year olds - she was incensed. ’Don’t you trust your daughter?!?’ Lots of parties. Dd adored her and I felt shit. Dd got a bit older and realised it was a bit odd this adult woman wanted to hang around with them all the time, and actually this mum probably shouldn’t have been sharing her dope with 15 year olds (no, really?). Dd is 25 now and actively avoids her, and so do all her friends.
Keep setting your boundaries, OP, and tough it out. Cool mums have a best-before date.

To be fair this would annoy me

My mums mum conmgied suicide when my mum was a baby. Subsequently me and my mum are incredibly close. She’s my hero.

however when my father met his new wife (who is a complete bitch!) at first she was really kind to me and we were also close. I felt like she was my second mother. She then did something I could never forgive and it came out my mum didn’t like her

however not once did my mum say anything, she desperately wanted me to make my own mind up and I adore my mum for doing that.

I feel that’s what you need to do. Had my mum of tried to make me dislike her or made me feel strange it would have only made me feel uncomfortable and that’s not fair.