Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

I had this with one of my daughter's friends. The mum said she wanted her home to be the place where everyone congregated. She went out of her way to make the place as appealing as she could - went to the off licence to get them alcohol, let mixed groups share rooms, etc. It was really awful for the other parents.

Oh it could be anything from not being allowed to eat in front of the TV, swearing, talking about boys/girls, listening to loud music etc. I was brought up without any rules and I have been a tiny bit stricter with my kids because of where we have lived when they were growing up but I have always maintained very open communication and I have always been informed (even when I have not always really wanted to know) about their sex lives, drinking, trying weed, broken hearts etc. A lot my kids friends didn't have parents that they could share things like this with so some of them shared with me or asked me questions about it. I never asked for the information though, they just know that they can talk to me.

Given OP's update it doesn't sound like she is an unapproachable parent at all though so I think I was barking up the wrong tree.

So she invited herself on a weekend away, hosted by other parents?

But wouldn't let you attend your daughter's birthday party?

Yeah, she sounds controlling and overly involved. I wouldn't like that either.

Start putting your foot down. Lay down boundaries.

"X would love a sleepover. Our turn to host. I'll pick Y up on Saturday afternoon and drop her home on Sunday."

"No, I'd quite like involved this time actually. I'll come along."

I can see your point of view. It seems like other mum is trying to control the location of sleepovers by being extra nice. It almost sounds like she is being nice because she wants something - in this case sleepovers at her own place, because if she is genuinely loving to your daughter, she would allow them to have sleepovers at your place and wont decline opportunity to meet you /invites. Asking your daughter ontimate details of her relationship is weird. Is she trying to be cool mum so she can know a lot about her daughter's friends and also get her daughter to share stuff with her. I dont see her generous as she is not generous to you by letting them have sleepovers at your places like you want sometimes.
This lady sounds a bit manipulative and calculative. You should also try to be a bit more flexible and fun ( not saying you are not) to let the girls want to spend time at your place. It does not make you selfish. As a mother, you would also want to know about your daughter and her friend a little bit.

I would be concerned that she is being coerced or groomed in some way.

Is she letting them drink alcohol do you mean op? Did she run this past you? I wouldn’t like that! But it depends on their age I suppose?

Now I’ve read your update op, I think she wants to be a cool mum. Or she just genuinely is more at ease with things bc she has been there and done it! I wouldn’t like the idea of her inviting herself in to the friendship group either but rest assured most teens hate that too!

It's grooming behaviour.

I have marked out boundaries and said no to going on holiday with the other mum, kept sleepovers balanced. But it's been difficult sometimes, I've felt awkward and it's a huge mental effort constantly being on guard. The other mum is quite clever with how she'll engineer something. When they were younger she might ask whether DD can come over one day after school, and I'll say yes, then she'll change the invite to a sleepover. It's then difficult for me to day no because I've already said DD is free to come over.

At other times she'll message me to tell me what time she is collecting my DD to take them to the same social event, rather than ask me whether DD would like a lift. And I'll somehow feel I'm being rude or awkward by turning down her lift.

is your DD an only child?

So you say no, and explain why.

Allowing my under age child to drink would make me the most uncomfortable. How does your daughter feel? Is she able to distance herself from the mother when she wants privacy or to do her own thing?

With the alcohol, when I dropped them off, she had a bottle in her hand and said, in front of the girls, you don't mind if they have a little tiny drink do you? Had I said no, I'd be the strict unpopular parent. It was manipulative.

This feels creepy and invasive of her, and I'd also be uneasy in your situation. It sounds like the other mum is quite a manipulative person and possibly trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter? I'd be prioritising one on one time with my teen as much as possible away from this woman and her daughter. So that you have an unshakable and warm bond she can't dissolve or come between. Some people are messed up or insecure and behave like this because on some level they want to 'win'. Listen to your instincts here.

The other girls seem to really like the other mum. She constantly compliments them and hugs them, love bombs. What 's not to like when you're a teenage girl?

My DD is not an only but is the eldest of 3.

I knew of someone like this. She turned out to be unhinged and had done the same thing with other young adults. She even began calling one of them by a different name, at the supposed behest of a 3 year old. It appears it was all to augment her status as a philanthropist. The families of those who (temporarily in 2 cases) lost siblings and children for a few years felt differently.

It also transpired that there was a long history of narcissistic behaviour which had greatly angered and distressed others.

Pay attention to your instincts but tread carefully,it is clear she doesn't value your feelings or opinions.

Safe and trusted adults are the ones who have appropriate boundaries with children.

yes!

Sorry but this could also be grooming 🙄
in any case:
if just ONE mum makes you uncomfortable you might be picking up on the fact that something is not quite right there

It won't last now that the girls are getting older. Your daughter will soon do something utterly heinous like saying no to this woman, or making a new friend unconnected to the group...or another independent mature move. At this point she will be dropped like a sack of shit as a threat to the mother's control.
Just hang on in there and give her enough rope...

The delicate thing in this situation is asserting boundaries without it backfiring on your relationship with your daughter. I agree with Zeppelin that spending time with your daughter is a good method. Something I would recommend, would be for you to take your daughter to concerts of her favourite bands or pop stars (maybe bring her sisters too). That will help you to ease her into the adult world under your watchful eye, but you get to spoil her, and up both hers and your, at the same time. You could even invite her friend. The investment would pay handsome dividends.

If she can be rude to you by not asking and only informing about picking up your daughter we r changing plans from visit to sleepovers, you should not be so worried about coming across rude. You are not rude for saying plan was for visit, not sleepover.
You should also tell dd that while you want to support her independence and friendship woth other girl, you think there needs to be a balance. Some sleepovers at your place, if birthday's are joint, they include both mums, not just friend's mum. Sounds like your daughter is close to you, so she will listen to you if you tell her in a balanced way, justing saying no to your daughter, might make your daughter feel your are being strict with her unlike her friend's cool mum. But if you explain her the imbalance, any reasonable kid at 17 would give it a thought.

*up you credibility at the same time

@TraumatisedatChristmas1986 Your post is spot on and that the other mum doesn't value my feelings or opinions is what makes me feel so uncomfortable. If she really thought so highly of my daughter and felt so warmly towards her, wouldn't she value DD's parents' feelings too? It's so odd that she seems to separate the two.

The other thing that strikes me is that my DD feels very comfortable around the other DD's mum and in their home, while her friend doesn't seem as comfortable with me. It's as though she doesn't quite trust me. Again, just instinctual feelings but I don't have the same feelings around DD's other friends.

I have had similar situations to this OP and I can understand why you feel it's off. The birthday party thing is not OK. Some mothers are like this - overbearing, a bit overly involved in their kids lives, slightly living their life through them, like to be overfamiliar with their kids' friends because they feel it's a badge of honour to know everything and anything about their child's life and makes them 'the best mum', their daughter's 'bets friend', the 'cool mum', etc etc. It's actually kind of tragic. I would make a bet there isn't much else going on in her life other than her kids. Is it possible she is a bit jealous of/ intimidated by you for some reason (money? career? Education?)
I think without being too heavy-handed you need to set firm boundaries with her or she will overstep a bit.

The other mum has invited herself along to another of the girls' holidays. There's a big group going and I can't not let DD go. But feel very uncomfortable about the other mum being there.