Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

This has happened to my DD so @Winterslopes you have my full sympathy.

When ‘kindness’ crossed boundaries, it is absolutely and 100% about the other parent’s dysfunctional need. I’ve seen it with both DMs and DFs.

Either this behaviour is meeting their own needs (performing the ‘wonderful mother’ or ‘I want you to be my DC’s gf so I can be a proud DF’) or a dysfunctional perspective on what they see as meeting their DC’s need (you must be there for my DC even if that is to the detriment of your DC’s needs).
Essentially, it can be even desperate acts to do anything to advance their DCs desires and wishes to stave off anything potentially negative/rejection.

Ether way, really really annoying that they do this and have such little insight into why they are doing what they’re doing. You’re right, you can’t criticise, you can only make home a welcoming place and drop the tiny hint.

Your daughter however is almost an adult.

whilst you can be there for her, I think you’ll find it would backfire if you started to say I don’t like it

Is this your daughters friends mum

OP, I voted BU based on your initial post, but your updates about this mum paint a different picture. It's very odd that she never let's her daughter come to yours but always insists in things that she arranges! However, if your daughter likes her and enjoys going to their house, then just let her go that - she needs to be able to form her own relationships, which are not based on how you feel (unless you had serious concerns of course).
I have the opposite with my DC where we constantly invite friends from school and they always accept and "love to come", but I never get invites from their parents. If they cancelled or declined I would understand, but they always always come, their parents just never invite. I dont get it but I just accept it for what it is and I know my son is happy to have then over, so that's what really counts.

She is a dc and her parent will be able to see things she might not especially where mum has to say 'No' to some things and the other woman is love bombing. It a form of bribe to buy a younger person's feelings so @OP is right to be concerned, therefore her DD's feelings are not the main consideration when it comes to being manipulated, her DM has the final say.

Armchair psychologist here thinking this other woman feels very insecure about being her daughter being a "separate" person and won't give her independence? I think I'd be bloody embarrassed if my mother invited herself on a friends holiday!
My mum always had an open house policy and my friends did used to rock up whenever they felt like it really but she never overstepped.
YANBU OP and I would feel really upset about this too.

Not sure it's fair to say OP is the one with peoblem - insecure, triggering. She is right to be worried for this level of imbalance in the relationship. Also, as a mother she should not be waiting for her daughter falling in trouble to appreciate mum. This woman is creepy to want to know intimate details of Op's daughter's relationship with her bf. She is undermining Op's boundaries, insisting on having things ger way - joint birthday only allowed if her in place and op not welcome to stay for arrangements, not allowing sleepovers at Op's place, and Op is being told to remember she will always be the mum. Op, needs to insist on her boundaries or this crazy helicopter mother will keep overstepping them.

I wouldn't like it either. I bet people wouldn't feel comfortable with this behaviour coming for a friend's dad.

The other mum has told OP that she can't go tonher own daughter's birthday party. Is this the kind of thing you do?

it seems from your updates that there is a disparity socially so maybe that’s the reason ? This mum doesn’t want to socialise with you as you are lower socially but she can’t do anything about her daughter socializing with yours so just making sure to control it. Her daughter might be uncomfortable to go to your house as it’s smaller/ less comfortable etc etc .
Is this mum the same with other mums or only with you?

This. ^ I am so sorry you feel triggered and bothered about this @Winterslopes and so very insecure and upset. You would not be human if you didn't feel insecure about this; I think any mum would.

For a very short spell my 2 daughters - 2 years apart - seem to prefer other mums to me and it was so upsetting. It made me feel insecure and weepy. They had better jobs than me - and higher pay, and bigger houses, and newer cars etc... They were both impressed by wealth and flash shit at the time. Lasted about 2 years (late teens!) Didn't last long, as they realised many of the parents were massively in debt, and the cars were on finance, and they had breathtakingly high mortgage, and very stressful and demanding jobs that took them away from their family a lot.

I am sure your daughter will come around @Winterslopes , and I hope it's soon. As a pp said, this woman sounds a little bit batshit tbh. Like the mother of Regina George in Mean Girls. Trying to be their mate, and trying to out-do the other mums and make herself more popular. Bleurgh! As a pp said, she sounds immature and insecure, and slightly pathetic. Imagine trying to be mates with your child's teen friends!

Please try not to feel too blue about this OP, I am sure it will pass soon. And of course YANBU to be upset. Vent away!

I agree. When I was a teenager there was a local mum who let the local teens all drink, smoke and all the other stuff, as she preferred it to happen 'under her roof rather than on a park bench'. Of course everyone thought she was great!!! We have now discovered that she is a dangerous, calculating, narcissist who has gone on to wreak absolute havoc on the lives of many people.

I also had a friend's parent who would lie to my parents about where I had been, and I too thought she was great! Turns out she too was an incredibly unstable person. Teenagers are very impressionable and it doesn't take much to win their favour, which is a massive ego boost for many inadequate people.

Are you also insisting on having sleepovers in your place, not in friend's house, insisting on a joint birthday of your child and friend your way and rejecting any input from friend's mother? If yes then you deserve tje accusation, if not, then you are ok.

I think Ive been the only one mentioning insecurity and triggers. I am talking about it in the sense of “just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you”.

I think the OP’s insecurities from losing her own mum so early, means her emotions are being triggered in an exaggerated way, so it is not as clear as her hand in front of her, as it would be to most other people, that this woman is inappropriate, undermining and without boundaries.

I think most mum’s wouldn’t let it get to this stage and constantly criticise themselves for their own entirely reasonable discomfort. If your deepest insecurities are being triggered, it is harder to know “Is it me? Is it them? Is this normal?” Etc.

This

So odd you feel that your feelings should be considered tbh. You should be happy another person loves your daughter

That sounds really stressful OP. No advice really but having read all your post, it's not you, it's her, definitely. You sounds like a lovely kind supportive Mum who has good boundaries and is grounded.

The suffocating social butterfly mum sounds weird and scary. Mums need to be Mums, not down with the kids...

Easy fix (not sugar coating it), grow a backbone :)

It sounds like there's nothing wrong, rather just a bit of friendly competition. You're both fighting over who is the favourite parent. Step it up a notch, do something awesome for both girls and insist it's at yours. Don't take no for an answer.

You should have talked to her separately later then.

I'm going to be blunt here - and say i think it's too late to do much now.

It's been going on since your DD was 12, she's now 17.

It's a bit too late because
a) your DD is nearly an adult so you can't really dictate the details of her social life (unless it's actually unsafe obvs)
b) it's not long until DD grows out of going to mates' houses and hanging round with their mums anyway - so it may not be worth rocking the boat with your DD.

Oh and c) DD is so used to the way it is it's going to be almost impossible to have your feelings respected now.

Anyone ringing up and begging when they've been told no, giving alcohol, changing details of playdates and arranging MY kids birthday parties and excluding me would get short shrift from me i'm afraid. At the time!

I feel for you, but this is one of those 'Shoulda coulda woulda' moments. A life lesson OP.

One thing: the mum who organised this latest trip which nightmare mum has invited herself on; do you know her well enough to ask if she's actually ok with NMmum gatecrashing? I'm just wondering if you're not the only one who's suffering?

That's clearly not the same situation that the OP is in.

Are you kidding? Why should no-one take the feelings of the girl's mother into account?! What a horrible thing to say.

Great post - your daughter is clearly very thoughtful and intelligent. I hope OP can have that same kind of conversation with her daughter, and that she can see what is disturbing her mother. This woman’s behaviour is very inappropriate.

No you sound odd. Do you often tell people to ignore their instincts when they feel that an adult is encroaching on the boundaries of a minor?

I think she sounds weird and you should trust your instincts. If it was a man, you’d suspect grooming - it’s grooming behaviour so tread carefully. I’d start by setting more boundaries with her and asking your daughter how she feels about e.g. the mum going on holiday. To me, that is really quite creepy as no other parents are going. And as for the alcohol and the way it was presented…

Bombing???
What does that mean?