Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

To make an analogy, I had really similar feelings when my mother in law tried to usurp me as a mother figure when my daughter was born (first grandchild, and that's another thread!) My mother in law called my baby her baby, rather than her grandchild and she wanted to give her her first bath and co sleep with her, against my wishes. It goes on, but I felt like someone was trying to replace me then and I sort of feel like that now because similarly, my mother in law didn't want to be close to me, she just wanted access to my daughter.

I don’t have any advice, however I had similar when my Dd was a teenager. It was the foster mum of my DD’s boyfriend. The mum was definitely undermining my authority, letting my Dd smoke and drink around her house, watch videos rather than go to school, sleep with boyfriend etc. It turned into a complete nightmare with my Dd basically moving in with this woman and her son.
Eventually DD came back home. Looking like skinny and unkempt. And then this woman tried to get money out of me for my dd’s upkeep when we never wanted her there in the first place.
Now 20 years later and looking back I’m still confused as to this woman’s motives, but it was obsessive and relentless. Almost as if she wanted to be in a relationship with DD.

I had something similar happen to me when I was a teen. I thought my mother was jealous and it made me feel awkward and like a traitor at the time.

My mother let me live it through though and that was a mistake. The mother and my friend became controlling of me. I wanted to just get away. And the mother ended up sleeping with a lot of our male teen friends. She even did this with her husband there.

In the end I think you should let it happen but keep a close eye on your daughter. Any sniff of controlling or uncomfortable behaviour and you have to stop it. Until then, try and take your daughter places together that don't include the friend or the mother.

An adult you don’t know, is fostering a close relationship with your daughter.
Her motives are unknown.
I too would be cautious.

Another example is when the girls were planned to have a joint birthday celebration and the other mum would only go ahead if she hosted at her house, and I wasn't welcome to stay and help organise or supervise. The truth is I'd really like the girls to have a joint birthday but not if I can't also be there to enjoy it and share the experience with our daughters.

Whatever other mumsnetters may advise you, remember that if you feel that there is something doesn't sit right with you, that feeling shouldn't be ignored. I've had plenty of times in my life where I've had a sense that something wasn't right. Something subtle. Something even I told myself I was beingnunreasonable about.

But I was right.

I feel that you actually don't have a problem with someone having a realy good relationship with your daughter, but something about this relationship feels off. You feel like you're being shoved out. Something is obviously being stirred up in you that feels like she is encroaching on your space, or at least trying to trespass on it.

I have always wanted my children to have a really close relationship with their aunts and cousins. My kids only have these on my husband's side and I am really keen to foster lifelong loving relationships with them. It's working and I'm very happy about it. Except one sister in law always pushes it just a little too far. Asking me in front of the kids if they can bring them to do xyz. It always creates a situation where I can't say no and sometimes it isn't what I want on that particular day. It doesn't suit. I thought I was just imagining it until my husband told me that it was annoying him too. We figured out what it was all about, we both independently felt something was too much, and both recognised it was different to the normal loving interactions with the other aunts . Jealousy didn't factor into it at all. Our kids were being used for a certain agenda and we picked it up.

Yanbu

The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that the other mum really doesn't like me! Maybe I'm just feeling rejected by her. I would like to be friends with her but she's the type of person that asks lots of questions and talks a lot but rarely gives much away about herself.

@Winterslopes I think you having no problem with other mums, the visceral reaction you have, plus the downright inappropriateness ( it’s ok to chat with someone else’s daughter about how far she’s gone with a boyfriend if SHE starts the conversation, it’s not ok to go prying) would tell me that it’s not a case of a misfired response related to insecurity around mother/daughter relationships.

@Darkdiamond Yes being shoved out and encroaching on my mother and daughter relationship resonates.

Same here.

Most parents wouldn’t. It’s only MNetters who pretend it’s wonderful, indeed a preferred situation, and to be embraced 🙄

OP I get you, teenage years are a tough time, parental and child relationships are being renegotiated as they become adults and as their parent every technique you used to keep them safe and happy before, is no longer effective now. It’s so easy to get it wrong and what you don’t need is another over familiar Fun Adult, undermining the relationship you’re trying to build with your approaching adult child. She sounds like a PITA - especially the bit where she’s trying to get your dd to confide in her about boyfriend stuff! Where’s the boundaries? Hard to know what to advise though. If you moan about her that might push your dd away. You don’t want to have to compete with her because you shouldn’t have to. Guess you just have to keep being as present and loving as possible and hope your dd sees it for herself. If you have a good relationship she’ll always choose you anyway. Good luck!

This is just downright not ok. Even if she ‘doesn’t like you’ (doesn’t sound like she ever tried to get to know you so how would she dislike you?), she needs to act as an adult and respect boundaries.

It d s kinda like she’s overstepping boundaries, and having conversations which are mother daughter, plus undermining your authority.

Tricky situation though, as it’s hard to explain this to dd, or if you try to enforce boundaries, which the other mum doesn’t reflect/adhere to, you come across as the bad mum.

Sounds like the other Mum has her own insecurities and is projecting them by being front and centre in every aspect of her life.

My Aunt and my Mum had a very volatile relationship growing up and Aunt was about a year younger and always in competition with my Mum and any other female who she felt was a "threat". She did the same with me - tried to make me prefer her to my Mum when I went to stay with my cousins. It all went massively tits up when my Grandmother died and the family imploded permanently.

I know it's slightly different but the resonance is there, and if the Mum has made no effort to befriend you in five years, I would suggest it's her, not you. Unfortunately if your DD is happy it's almost impossible for you to address it at this stage without causing a kerfuffle.

Soon your DD will be off in the wider world and make new friends etc - she herself might move on.

Your feelings are valid and totally understandable especially after 5 years of the apparent cold shoulder, and it's sad this other Mum is the way she is - my tactic with my boys friends was quite hands off but I would make a point of loose alliance with other parents as I think presenting a united adult front to teenagers is important in that way. It's probably a bit different with girls, but anyway, I'm sorry you have ended up feeling bad. It does sound as though you have an excellent relationship with your daughter so just focus on that, and tell Queen Bee to buzz off out of your head.... all the very best x

This seems very off to me. To exclude you from your daughter's birthday party would be a red flag for me.

My eldest daughters friends mum is like this too. Constantly snapchatting her and when we see her in public is quite happy to hug my daughter. The way I see it is she's just another adult that my daughter can turn too. My daughter has even invited her to her 16th birthday along with her son who is my daughters best friend. I wouldn't be too concerned unless your daughter expresses that she is uncomfortable.

OP I wonder if your own mother wound makes it harder for you to notice boundary-violating behaviour or appropriately stick up for your own boundaries.

The fact that this woman allows your daughter to drink alcohol underage without checking in with you is a big red flag. She has crossed the adult-child/parent-child boundary there. The fact that she is asking your daughter, a child, inappropriate, intrusive, sexual questions again demonstrates she has crossed the adult-child/parent-child boundary. The fact that she relates only to your daughter- and much more enthusiastically than is normal- than with you- an adult (in fact trying to freeze you/other adults out), also demonstrates she has crossed the adult-child/parent-child boundary.

I think you should have put your foot down a long time ago instead of dismissing your own good instincts, and explaining them away as your own insecurities and jealousies.

This woman is trying to be the ‘cool mum’, trying to re-live her teenage years through her own daughter and daughter’s friends and doesn’t want you, the grown up, bursting her bubble. Your daughter still needs parenting (as does your daughter’s friend) and this woman is getting in the way of that.

Do you think your dd might be telling this person or her friend unfavourable things about you and she is thinking that she is saving your dd by allowing her to spend as much time as possible at their house? Are you a very strict parent?

I have gone through the teenage years with my kids and the kids who would always want to hang out here but not at their own place was those with strict or old fashioned parents. I was quite a young mum and even though I had some rules I have always been very liberal and had close relationships with most of my kids friends. Especially as they got older. A lot of them had parents they couldn't relate to.

I also feel very uncomfortable about this. As a general rule I think that our spidey senses should be listened to and then conclusions weighed up against our other experiences to decide how much weight to place on them.

Here I'd say she's not just keen to develop a close bond with your daughter, but seems persistently keen to keep you on the outside.

You haven't had endless drama with other parents and seem to have your head screwed on. That would mean I'd not write off your feelings as jealous or insecurity.

Safe and trusted adults are the ones who have appropriate boundaries with children.

the kids who would always want to hang out here but not at their own place was those with strict or old fashioned parents

Out of interest @Snoken, what sort of things were strict or old-fashioned, that they complained about? Do you still agree with that now, or, reflecting upon it, do you think their parents might have had a point?

put much more eloquently than I was capable of!!!

Agree with this

I understand why you are feeling the way you do, esp as your lost your mum young. You sound like a lovely mum, you really do. You just need to set boundaries with the other mum. You could say as DD has had x number of sleepovers at yours, i'll host this time, as its only fair. And stick to it! Put your foot down.

I think you're right to trust your instinct @Winterslopes . The big parties and alcohol is a bit of a red flag. I wonder whether there are other substances at these parties and this woman is trying to set herself up as the 'cool mum'.

Her behaviour wouldn't sit right with me either.

That's very naive. It's not what the OP is talking about. It's not uncommon for friends' mothers to want the child to prefer them to their own mum, unfortunately.

I'm perhaps marginally stricter than the other mum, but we are very very similar in how much freedom we allow. I think the difference is the other mum is always trying to open up conversations with the girls and wants to know what's going on, so maybe feels like the cooler mum. The other mum also has older daughter's and takes the position of 'been there and done that' and is an old hand at some of the things I'm navigating for the first time, like drinking and boys.

I would say from past experience my DD tells me more about what's going on (with boys and social life) than her friend tells her own mum. So there have been times when I've had more information from my daughter about something, than the other mum has had from her own daughter.

Sometimes I've felt the other mum wants to be close to my DD so that she finds out what's going on with her own DD. But that's just a small part of it.

When I stand back and take myself and my DD out of it, I see a mum who is kind of not letting her DD do things independently. She sort of gatecrashes things. When they went for a week end away (hosted by the parents of another friend), the other mum invited herself!