Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

I've dealt with exactly the same thing. They always appear to be the "cool" house, the laid back one where its always "fun" I tried to talk to my DS he was 16 at the time anyway long story short they manipulated him he moved out and into their place.

Fast forward a year they kicked him out.

Strange creepy people in this world.

Narcissists simply laugh at your boundaries.

I take it you have been lucky in never being preyed upon by one.

@Winterslopes Could this be your "in" to speak to your DD - explain that you'd always thought she would be fully honest and upfront with you and this feels the opposite of that - Explain that you never want to stop her having fun but her part of that deal is that she must always give full disclosure from the off, not piecemeal. Maybe she will then let on if she is always aware from the start whats happening or if the "manipulation" is something that is put on her by friend and her Mum.

@LindyLou2020 of course 😊

I would be asking your dd about how her friend is feeling about constantly having her mum around and not being able to go on a girls holiday without her mum, is there something wrong with her friend that she needs her mum there all of the time and why this woman never lets her friend out of her sight.
I would mention about her friends unease about being in your house. Is it something you have done or is this about her friend always needing her mum or what her friend doesn’t like about your dd’s home

I would also ask why when your dd has told her friends mum that she can’t go somewhere. Her friends mum ignores your dd and calls you. I would say that you realise that friends mum still thinks of her dd as very young and not capable of organising herself but this mother needs to realise that not all 17 year olds are like this and why she feels the need to check up on what dd has told her

I would also enquire if this girl is allowed to go to university or college away from home or will her mum be a expecting to live with her in student digs
You mentioned that your dd’s friend has older siblings. Do I take it that the friend is the “baby” of the family and this woman is facing life without having children around so is hanging on to her youngest child for dear life.
Where are all the other children. Do they live at home?

I wouldn’t come out and directly criticise this woman but I would concentrate my observations and concern around dd’s friend not being able to get freedom from her mother and experience life without her mother present. And concern for the mother in the desperate way she tries to control situations and not having anything else in her life when her dd eventually leaves

I would start to make your dd and yourself unavailable by going to college and university open days and planning for your dd’s future. Or just having girly days out and Wowcher Spa days

I would tell dd to not talk about what she wants to do specifically after school to anyone until she knows she has got into the course and university she wants and everything was set in stone as it just invites bad feeling and competition

Just be vague about what she is going to be doing.

GrumpyandSleepy · Today 16:08

Yes and it wasn't a position of insecurity from my end until it became a real issue that I got Wendyed by this woman! She used to 'just' invite my child round constantly and 'just' offer to bring them back again but 'forgot' what the time was so 'just' had them to dinner and what seemed like a nice gesture turned into my child effectively being fostered by this woman!

Now they're an adult they can see what this woman did but at the time the impact on our family was disastrous!

OMG - I had this too. DD had a friendship aged 7 - 11. The other Mum always turned what should have been an afternoon play date into a marathon. Returning exhausted DD to us at 10.30 at night on a school night. We would try to phone, call round at the house etc and they couldn't be contacted. It all went a bit sour and in fact was a bit of a lucky escape when the other girl started bullying mine (ok, not so lucky for my DD) - I don't think the behaviour was unconnected. Desperately insecure, narcissistic woman who is so socially ambitious for her daughter that she has to control everything. She would invite a group of her daughter's class mates round on a Friday afternoon and make all of them tell her what they had got in their Friday tests. I could go on and on. I find it mystifying that some mutual acquaintances don't see her for what she is.

As you will have noticed, I commented before the following updates.

I think this is brilliant advice.

Hope you’re feeling ok, OP. It must be a bit unsettling reading that your instincts are right. Some great advice on the thread though.

@wibblywobblywoo and @Aydahayda OP’s update at 14.40 mentioned that the other mum doesn’t work and they often host other people and know a lot of influential people. She also put earlier that she doesn’t know much about the other family and that the other mum mostly asked her questions, wasn’t talking about herself much wasn’t interested in getting to know OP etc. So I put it as a theory that shall we say “class differences“ might be the reason. I’m not saying that this is the reason I’m saying that this might be the reason.
And don’t tell me please that it’s not possible in today’s society.

Maybe get your dd to do the freedom programme as I am sure that some of the signs of abuse and control are showing up in this woman’s behaviour.

I would get her to do it under the guise of being a very good tool to deal with not just abusive people that she is in a close relationship with but also people she will meet throughout her life and how to spot those that don’t mean her well.

I think at this point in time if you go in with all guns blazing and showing how much this woman undermines you, your dd will just tell her everything you said.

I think concern about the dynamics between her friend and friends mum and getting your dd to look at their behaviour towards each other and towards her with fresh eyes.

And you’re her mother. Different relationship.

I have made sure DD has a balance all these years. She hasn’t slept over more than her friend has slept over at ours and all the other things. But it has been and is a constant struggle to mark out boundaries, remind the other mum that she can’t just railroad her way without asking me and so on. It’s a drain mentally because I always have to think one step ahead and be ready for the dinner invitation to turn into a sleepover invitation, or the sleepover to turn into a week end away. DD’s friend doesn’t confide in her mum and seems a little apprehensive around me too.

And sometimes there are situations that I can’t do much about, like the holidays and in the very early days there were a few months that went by before the penny dropped and I saw clearly what was going on

I feel that too .
I would be uneasy but I really can't explain why? Is it a territorial thing? And I really wouldn't like the other mother to know things about my daughter that I didn't.
She is overstepping a bit with the talk about your dd boyfriend ,I wouldn't like that at all.
Is the mother being a mother,or is she trying to be their friend .
It just doesn't sit right with me at all .

I agree with this 100 per cent. Narcissists do often have narcissistic children and their children see it as completely normal to collude with their parents in illegal or horrible deeds no matter how bad. That's how narcissists are wired regardless of age. The daughter could be benefitting financially in some way in manipulating your daughter on behalf of the mum and it could even be part of a bigger picture with other victims. You don't want to wait to find out what they could be up to. Trust your instincts.

Thank you everyone who has posted with words of wisdom and to offer insights or alternative views of the situation. I’ve talked to DD this evening and have a better idea of how things are now. The otehr nun is seen as a little crazy by the girls. She doesn’t trust her daughter and her daughter tells her very little. Contrary to my concerns about her knowing more about my DD than she does, it appears to be the opposite. DD says the friend doesn’t tell her mum anything and the other mum uses DD to find out what’s going on. So it does seem to be a control issue and that’s the driving force for the insistence that they spend time at her house and other mum tags along to things. It’s surprising because the friend is sensible, though experimenting a lot with the usual teenage things, more so than DD. I take all this on with my eyes open and know there’s potential for my DD to possibly be juist telling me what she thinks I want to hear, but I trust that she does tell me what’s going on in her life.

That’s a nice update @Winterslopes . You sound much more relaxed about it after the chat.

Thats a great update.
I would be inclined to believe your daughter.

My daughter is still friends with the girl whose mum was pushy, and she too at 17 doesn't tell her mother anything about anyone.

I hope this gives you confidence to firm up those boundaries and insist the girls come to your house.
Her daughter would probably really enjoy the break!

Sorry if this has already been said but perhaps a genuine mum to mum chat with the other mum may help? Say exactly how you have been feeling and say I could be being sensitive but wanted to address it with you as the girls are so close...you may find she shares and opens up too and you could feel comfortable. Interesting also what your DD said..maybe even saying to the other mum "I don't know if you feel like you don't know what's going on in DD life so want to keep them close, I understand and feel a little like this also..let's work together?"

Thanks @pizzaHeart - yes it’s completely possible, I just hadn’t read it that way! Still not sure that it is, but get what you’re saying

This was my friend and my friends mam. I used to stay over every weekend and some weekdays in the holidays and my friend would do the same. I used to call her my second mam and she was great. It was nothing against my mam you can't get a better mam than mine she's amazing. I would go to their grandparents with them, they would come to my grandma's with me. We were sisters in everything. I did wrong and I knew about it 😂 did good and they were all proud. I honestly don't see the problem I was raised this way. Try not to feel jealous as no one comes close to being your mother just close enough to feel like having a good second best back up. I used to try weedle my way out of a telling off by saying come on your my second mam you can't be mad at me. She would laugh and say then you still get what's coming to you like your mam would then 😂😂😂. Those were the best times of my life.

Will your daughter be going off to university next year? If so, all this will come to a natural end.

Please trust your instincts on this - it’s worth finding out a bit more on what’s actual going on at the friends house

This is a great post and very close to my own experience. I don’t have children of my own but am very close to my friend’s dc. I have doted on them my whole life to the extent that I have helped them out financially. The family struggle and I have always made it clear to dc that if they need my help they must always ask me. So, when dc’s parents are strapped for cash dc is confident enough to ask me if I can help. They have never abused this.

we went through a stage when my friend became intensely jealous of my relationship with dc and used exactly the same word “lovebombing” which I (as a survivor of csa) found incredibly offensive to the extent that I decided that if the mum felt so strongly that I should stay away from the family and remained true to my word.

They lost a reliable babysitter and helper and apologised and persuaded me back into the family. It is still not plain sailing and my friend still struggles with jealousy. But she recognises that I am more beneficial for her and dc than not (I am someone dc trusts and they confide in me). dc will soon be off to university.

I could never quite understand my friend’s jealousy but put it down to a visceral maternal thing and tried to respect it, careful
not to step over her boundaries. No one can take the place of a mum. I always thought my relationship with dc was more like an aunt which is nowhere near like being a mother either. Mums have to really graft and perhaps that’s the problem. The work that mothers do is taken for granted and undermined, while the contribution that someone like me makes can seem a lot shinier. However when push comes to shove most mothers have a special relationship with their dc that no one can touch. They just have to trust that.

Maybe she just likes the ops daughter. I love some of my daughters friends but with 6 kids I didnt feel the need to have their friends round so much but can imagine with less kids it would be easy to be like this