Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

I’ve only read your replies op but what stands out to me is how controlling the other mum is.
she wants to be fully in control of her dds life and your dd is collateral in this.

I would be having conversations with dd about this parent. It won’t be the last time she meets a controlling person. It absolutely is not normal for mum of older teenagers to be so involved in their teenagers life, they won’t learn resilience or have as much fun if their is an adult present at all times.

id also pass comment to dd on how the relationship is one sided. What happens when your dd has different ideas? Dds friends mum is hiding her control with generosity. Refusing such generous requests looks unreasonable. I’d probably be having debriefs with dd over whether she has been a ver ruled when she comes home. You have more power than you realise op- you may need to be underhanded in its use though. If it were mine I’d be getting right in the way of this one.

@Darkdiamond haven't rtft so may well be me that's odd! Nothing invading privacy from original post sorry if I've missed anything else along the way

Yes I have experienced this.
Are you on your own with your daughter?
I had someone just like this with my son and I definitely felt as you do.

So much so that it was like he was their son
It was inappropriate and boundary crossing. ( He was a teenager at the time).

That is a very thoughtless remark. This woman is deliberately pushing OP out of her daughter’s life.

@Winterslopes sorry if I've offended you. I didn't read the full thread and will do so before commenting in future, lesson learned. Hope situation is resolved with as little upset/stress as possible

Wow, my mum and aunt with aimilar age gap had a similar dynamic. And my aunt tried to undermine my mum to me. I resent that part of my younger days and my mum for not standing up because my aunt at times, desite being affectionate, was highly critical and damaging to me.

Yes and it wasn't a position of insecurity from my end until it became a real issue that I got Wendyed by this woman! She used to 'just' invite my child round constantly and 'just' offer to bring them back again but 'forgot' what the time was so 'just' had them to dinner and what seemed like a nice gesture turned into my child effectively being fostered by this woman!

Now they're an adult they can see what this woman did but at the time the impact on our family was disastrous!

This is so uncannily like my own experience with my son and the other family-

It’s all about control- I never got to the bottom of it-but it came to a natural end in time.
Very inappropriate.

Love bombing is a term to describe how narcissists and/or abusers hook people in. They are talented at making people feel special and like they have a special bond with the abuser. It’s also a stage of the abusive relationship that is used when someone is trying to leave the relationship to hook them back in. It’s come to also mean over-the-top generosity/affection that feels insincere.

It describes what’s happening here - eg seems generous to host the daughter a party, but clearly the real intention is not to benefit the daughter or her mum would not be excluded.

My friend's teenage son's girlfriend's mother (that was long!) became weirdly obsessed with the boy. 25 years older than him.

She would text him more often than her daughter did, sometimes late and night, and would invite him round when her daughter wasn't there or would sit for hours with him after her daughter had left for work ect.

My friend didn't know what to do. She'd hear her son on the phone for ages to whom she thought was the girlfriend - and would ask and be told 'oh no that was [girl friend's mum] she rang to see how i was after we had a few beers last night .... 😳

It ended a few weeks AFTER he broke up with the girlfriend. He got bored and moved on thank goodness. I had no idea what to advise.

@Winterslopes My son had birthday party thrown for him but I wasn’t invited
Plus they invited him for Christmas Day.

Turned out he didn’t have a good time due to the drunk relatives.

It’s a strange thing to do.

It IS excluding you - I hope your daughter wakes up to what is happening.

@GrumpyandSleepy exactly that! It has sometimes felt like a manipulation double act with the mum and her daughter. They decide they want DD to be allowed to go to a party with her friend, and will frame it to me as DD being invited to their house, really casual. And then I later find out they decide on the spur of the moment to go to a party. The problem is, DD is probably complicit in this because she wants to go to the party but might feel there’s a chance I’ll say no. The other mum would cover for the girls in this scenario

Would your daughter watch Dr Ramini on youtube?

It might be useful for her to understand psychological manipulation and attachment.

I really do feel that you are right to feel suspicious OP and that this woman is potentially psychologically disordered and seeking 'prey'.

That does sound manipulative. Unless there’s a genuine reason, eg she has anxiety about her DD being driven by anyone else and wants to get in first with her lift offer so she can take both of them, then I’d put a stop to it. You don’t have to be rude. Just stand up to her very politely.

Also, play her at her own game. Find out what social events are upcoming and get your offer in first. Think as if you’re her, and then you’ll be able to pre-empt more of this.

You and your daughter won't like me for saying this but the only way to stop it is to put up firm boundaries, and if that doesn't work cut all contact. Toughen up and lead by example.

In my situation this woman got really spiteful and underhand to the extent she convinced my child I was nothing short of the antichrist and why on earth would my child ever want to go home. I'm not being melodramatic when I say get your child away from this woman.

This is important!

She has a collusive relationship with her own child which is exactly what happens with cluster B personality disorders!!!

Narcissists create narcissists and your daughter is potentially being groomed by 2 of them. She needs to understand in advance that there will be a pattern to this behaviour which will lead to her being very painfully devalued (or worse).

Please watch some Dr Ramani with her (or Sam Vaknin if she's academically inclined). This will be invaluable to her when she flies the nest to uni because she will be pre-warned of the pitfalls of predatory narcissists in intimate partners.

I know someone like this and it's about control, control of her own daughter. She makes a point of befriending all her daughters friends, messages them and their parents, chaperones them everywhere so the daughter doesn't get to have a relationship of her own with anyone because the mum knows everything! Most of her friendships eventually break down because of this.

@pizzaHeart where did you get that from??

@EdinGirl and @clpsmum
Sorry, but you are talking bollocks.
Have you not read all OP's posts?
TPlease take no notice of these comments, @Winterslopes
The other mother was trying to get OP's daughter to say "how far she'd taken things with a boyfriend".
That alone is totally inappropriate, intrusive, and way out of line.

But that's your experience, none of that applies here.

The OP has clearly explained that she DOES welcome friends to come over and tries to make it happen more than it does.

Your experience is your experience but it's not what's going on here.

OP, unfortunately the problem has arisen because of your poor boundaries.

This woman is pushy and sounds absolutely awful.

She is demanding your child at hers but refuses hers at yours?

Why wasn't that a huge red flag?

I think you need to clearly spell out your concerns about this woman to your daughter.

Her not accepting No and calling you was your time to push back hard.

This has gone on years and I came across a bit of it with a similar parent, but I just said no to her taking the girls to things.

I just said no thanks to the lifts, we will make our own way there.

She sounds deeply insecure and unfortunately by giving in to her for so long she has become emboldened over the years.

Speak honestly to your daughter about your concerns.

Have her watch the videos mentioned above.

Unfortunately it may be difficult for your daughter to see your point as you have allowed it to go on for so long.

I certainly would have felt deeply uncomfortable about someone who wouldn't allow their child at ours, but was so pushy about my child being at theirs.

I would have had enormous reservations and would have stopped it.

This woman doesn't care about you in the slightest, stop caring about her.

Does no one else think that an adult providing alcohol for teenagers is a bit creepy?

That was the bit that stood out for me.

@clpsmum
Sorry, I posted before reading your apology for your comment that I quoted.
So, I hope you can accept my sincere apology to you

Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us??? 🤔

😂😂😂😂