Daughter's friend's mum love bombing my daughter and it feels so uncomfortable

[Winterslopes]

Has anyone else been in this situation? My older teenage daughter and the other girl have been friends for a few years. The mum of the friend has fostered a really close relationship with my daughter. She is overfamiliar with her, constantly hugs and compliments her almost like an older aunt or grandmother would do. She wants to have her over to stay all the time. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, especially because she doesn't seem to consider my feelings. She sort of railroads getting her own way.

I think you’re issue should be more about her undermining your authority. If she’s letting your daughter drink when (I’m presuming) that’s something you don’t allow - then that’s an issue. I think you’re maybe looking at it from the wrong perspective of wanting to be liked.
I would probably say your daughter may be encouraging the mum along too - if she lets
them carry on then teenage me would also want to stay at their house too.

Hi OP, can understand your feelings entirely. I had a difficult relationship with my Mum and have ensured that I have a good healthy close relationship with my daughters because of it.

If this lady is genuinely warm and not cloying/needy towards your daughter then that is lovely and just take your daughter's cue about how she feels. If she feels comfortable then that's alright and it's something we have to accept

I had this situation when mine were teenagers and I was happy about genuine not over the top mums, accepting that we're all abit different in our ways. BUT there were a couple of mums and one dad (eeuurrggh) that were over friendly amd gave me the willies, so I talked to my daughters and said if you feel uncomfortable then let me know. (I told the dad to fuck off obviously)

Just make sure she knows she herself can set boundaries with adults at any time.

You are not jealous, you are quite rightly cautious.

Above all else, please take heart and remember you are MUM, no one takes the place of Mum, nobody. When your child is in need, she isn't going to run to that woman, she'll want you 🌸

That is unusual.

Does the mother have a job? Other friends? Hobbies? Or does her whole life revolve around her children?

I used to have a family member who was over involved with their child’s friendships. They never had a mother themself when growing up and were trying to be the ‘best mother ever’ by making their child their sole focus.

So the other mum is going to a teenage girls holiday? Are any other parents going?

Entirely reasonable of you to feel this way about this

I don't have the same free time as the other mum to be physically present at absolutely everything and she'll always have the advantage in that regard.

Writing everything down is reminding me of all the occasions I've felt boundaries have been crossed. Another tactic that's bene used loads is when DD declines an invitation (having asked me, and I've said no because we have other plans), the other mum then calls me and in a very gushing way asks again whether DD can come. After DD has already said no! It's incredibly annoying and the other mum doesn't seem to consider that I'm going to feel a little annoyed.

The only other mum going on the holiday is the one who is hosting them.

The other mum doesn't work and I don't know much about how she spends her free time because she gives so little away and when we do speak, it's all a barrage of questions for me. I feel like she knows so much about our family and we know so little about theirs!

Sounds like a competitiveness on her part. She likes to railroad you. Pick a few boundaries with her and maintain them e.g. the sleepovers...start slowly. Be persistent even if she becomes shirty with you. You do not have to explain to your daughter as she will learn about boundaries by watching you. She will also learn how to say No.

You are right to be cautious.
It sounds like she's seeking narcissistic supply!

she'll always have the advantage in that regard

I know you might just be using this as a turn of phrase @Winterslopes, but this language makes it seem as though your insecurities are really triggered and you are perceiving this all from the perspective of this woman being a threat, a competitor in your mother-daughter relationship, and that you need to defend yourself and fight for your life.

Take on board what @itsgoingtobealright said about you being the mum. The one and only. You can’t be replaced.

All the triggered emotions you are experiencing, because this is your deepest wound and insecurity, are stopping you from taking comfort in the objective truth.

You are the mum and your children will irrationally adore you. It is both an un-earned blessing and a huge responsibility.

Some people are just like that - warm and friendly. I've always been very close to my friend's mum (since the age of 5). She was like a second mum to me and always hugged me and treated me like one of the family. Now I'm 49 and she's terminally ill in her 80s. I still visit her her and will be bereft when she dies.
I don't see how you can reasonably object to a close relationship between two people.

This crossed my mind. Does friends mum have a partner op??
I think her behaviour is inappropriate.

Wow, it’s very very weird. It’s not something maybe off the whole concept of relationship is very off.
For some reason she wants to keep your daughter sort of “with them “ . The most obvious reason is that she is controlling towards her daughter and afraid about her daughter to go away at the first opportunity. To keep daughter close she is using your daughter.
Is this girl an only child by the way?

It doesn’t sound as warm and friendly at all from OP’s examples especially the one about joint birthday party

I agree with you it's the pushing boundaries/lack of respect that the issue. Plus she sounds hard work!

It may be she's very over protective of her child and quite needy herself.

Unless you have significant concerns I'd be firm with boundaries and look forward to when this is no longer your problem

I wouldn't like it either, but your dd is 17 so it's a bit late to try and change the dynamics.

sorry, really not normal for YOUR best friend’s daughter to be calling you when she’s pissed off with her and downright odd if it’s your presumably male partner she’s calling.

Neither of them are only children, and you have hit a nerve @pizzaHeart , the other mum frequently refers to my DD as her third daughter and that she's part of the family. I'm completely triggered by this. It makes me feel paralysed and full of anxiety.

Have you considered that the other mum has misgivings about you, which is why she wants the girls to stay at her place and not at yours?

This happened with DS1. When he came out as gay, the mother of a friend of his made him a massive rainbow cake and then baked brownies for him to take to LGBT meetings. I was totally fine with him being gay but felt spectacularly inadequate on the baking front! Then his mate's girlfriend dumped him just before his school leaving prom. I overheard the mother excitedly telling a friend that he was inviting my son as his date instead (which he did, even though he was straight, as they were good mates.) The way she said his name gave me the creeps, as if she had an infatuation with him and couldn't stop saying his name. I asked Ds about it and he said, she does keep asking if she can adopt me and I have told her I have a mum I'm happy with. Obviously she was being light-hearted but still, it was all a bit OTT.

It did unsettle me, as I'd always felt I had a very strong relationship with DS but DS2 had a lot of complex needs and I was conscious that DS1 was left to get on with things a fair bit. I worried that I'd neglected him. But he said not.

That’s so bloody rude. To call your daughter her daughter. I can understand that sort of thing being comforting for a child who has lost or been abandoned by their mother, or if the mother is in prison or terminally ill and worried about what will happen to them when she’s not around, but when you are living, breathing, present, willing and able as a mother, it is completely off. Totally overstepping the mark. And I think she might even be enjoying the distress it causes you- some kind of weird power trip.

Never in front of me though. Hate it, but I like DD's friend and think they have a good solid friendship. It's hard for that reason. I support the friendship but need boundaries around the other mum, or need to feel my DD can set boundaries.

Ultimately I want to know what the other mum's end game is as I don't know why she wants to bring DD in so close and keep me a little excluded or at arms length.

Ok, so this is an issue. I’d make it clear that the sleepover will be at yours because you’d like to have them over (unless her daughter has a medical issue?)

This mum sounds like an absolute nut job. Gently take the piss out of her to your daughter, easy does it! Find out your daughter's opinion of this mum, your daughter's not stupid, if the mum's a weirdo she'll know. This woman is desperately insecure and wants to be the centre of everything. No one is going to take your daughter away from you. Don't let this women create a space between you and your daughter by making you feel that she's closer to your own child. As that's what she wants. Be open with your daughter, tell her this mum's well weird with you. Don't doubt yourself. X