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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

223 replies

Ginandcigarettes · 04/12/2023 21:21

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 04/12/2023 21:25

It’s not his money, it’s both of yours. You’re married. He’s bring a twat.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/12/2023 21:25

Being!

Gowlett · 04/12/2023 21:26

My husband is the same when it comes to money. He just doesn’t compute how it works. Be careful your DH doesn’t blow this money. If it’s in his bank account, at least it’s safe for now.

ACynicalDad · 04/12/2023 21:26

I will probably inherit much more than my wife, it will all go on mortgage/family/pension. This is a really grotty way to treat you all. If you divorced (not suggesting it) you'd get half of it anyway. The bit about your son's bed, it's just so wrong, he sounds like a man-child that needs to take some responsibility.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/12/2023 21:27

Honestly? Now is the time to stop caring what he thinks about 'spending his money'. Legally the money belongs to both of you, the house needs sorting, just get it sorted and tell him what the bill is. He sounds like a ditherer, just get on and get it done.

salamirose · 04/12/2023 21:28

This is the end of the road

Christmasisonitsway · 04/12/2023 21:29

The fact your child sleeps in a bed too small for him, yet your husband won't take steps to improve this situation, is appalling. I honestly would be reassessing the relationship.

Codlingmoths · 04/12/2023 21:30

Umm. I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around this. ‘Our son sleeps in a bed too small and our house desperately needs repairs. You have the money for this and every single day now I think another day where my husband has done fuck all towards getting his family a functioning house. Are you waiting for me to organise it? Or are we just not a priority?

BalletBob · 04/12/2023 21:31

This isn't really a proper marriage is it? Not in his eyes at least. If you're married, you're a unit. I can't fathom the idea of inheriting money and not putting it in the family pot, or my husband doing so. We're a team and our life is shared.

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings

^ This is despicable. He just does not view you as an equal partner, or your family as a truly joint venture.

DilemmaDelilah · 04/12/2023 21:31

Remember there will have been expenses to come out of whatever was left before your husband received anything, so there may not have been any/as much discrepancy as you think. Any bills will have to have been paid, there may have been inhertance tax, and there will be funeral and solicitors costs.

Having said all that - your situation would be driving me mad! When my mother died I spent my inheritance on our mortgage and doing up the bathrooms. My MIL died the year after and DH spent his on a new kitchen and tiny extension for a combined shower/utility room.

I think you are going to have to find a time to discuss this with him properly. Choose a time when neither of you are going to be tired or distracted by other things, and have as much information to hand as possible. If that means arranging a few quotes yourself then do that.

Spottywombat · 04/12/2023 21:31

He doesn't want to spend it on the house.

He wants to piss it up the wall or keep it for himself for other reasons.

I would be looking at sorting out all the paperwork and keeping a very close eye on him. Yes, it's his inheritance but it's your DC that will suffer.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/12/2023 21:32

Actually legally the money does not belong to both of them unless they were divorcing and even then nowadays often recent inheritances are ring-fenced on occasion.

I suspect the MN answers would differ had OP inherited and her DH was wanting her to spend it.

I do agree however that if he didn't contribute whilst you were on maternity leave there needs to be a more serious conversation about finances altogether rather than just the inheritance and indeed the relationship!

OdeToBarney · 04/12/2023 21:33

Your "D"H is vile. How can you live with such a miser? 🤮

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 21:35

The fact that you still had to fund half of the bills while off work birthing, feeding and nurturing HIS Babies would be enough to drive me to divorce.

What a cunt.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 04/12/2023 21:35

Gambling problem or just really selfish? Do you know it still exists?

this would be a hard line for me, neglecting your children’s needs for his own gain

Riverlee · 04/12/2023 21:35

That’s appalling. My dh inherited some money a couple of years back.

He had some as ‘fun money’, but the rest has been used to buy new car, sofa, etc, and get odd jobs done.

As someone said above, he sounds like a ditherer. Take control, arrange builders to come around, people to do the repairs etc. Take control of the situation.

Busbygirl · 04/12/2023 21:35

ACynicalDad · 04/12/2023 21:26

I will probably inherit much more than my wife, it will all go on mortgage/family/pension. This is a really grotty way to treat you all. If you divorced (not suggesting it) you'd get half of it anyway. The bit about your son's bed, it's just so wrong, he sounds like a man-child that needs to take some responsibility.

That’s not true. You don’t necessarily share an inheritance on divorce.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 04/12/2023 21:36

Codlingmoths · 04/12/2023 21:30

Umm. I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around this. ‘Our son sleeps in a bed too small and our house desperately needs repairs. You have the money for this and every single day now I think another day where my husband has done fuck all towards getting his family a functioning house. Are you waiting for me to organise it? Or are we just not a priority?

This

justwantobeamum · 04/12/2023 21:38

You are not a family. You spent £13k of savings on “your half” of the bills on your Mat leave? Mat leaves where you did his half of birthing and bringing up his children? While you lost promotion opportunities, pay rise opportunities, pension contributions and generally just those years of experience in your field which puts you behind your peers. Do you now work part time? Do you split bills pro rata or does he just pay half and piss all his extra money up the wall? Do you buy and pay for all the stuff for the kids? I bet you do. His money and her money and splitting things half each is not a family with dependent children. Why do women put up with this and think it’s ok??? Do people really think so little of themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 21:39

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings

You spent your personal money on joint expenses. But he won't spend his personal money on joint expenses. Sit him down, ask him why he is OK to have his child in inadequate conditions while he hoards money. And he needs to transfer 6.5K to you immediately to fund his half of your maternity. Immediately.

ChiIIieP · 04/12/2023 21:40

I couldn't be married to such a lying fucker

LauderSyme · 04/12/2023 21:41

YADNBU. He is taking the piss, massively. What kind of husband and father won't contribute to the wellbeing of his family, when he easily could and still apparently have ££'s left over? Shocking. What a selfish, entitled waste he is.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 04/12/2023 21:41

Are you Mrs Right or Mrs Right Now and he doesn't want to waste all his money on this life...?

billy1966 · 04/12/2023 21:42

The not contributing to your mat leave would have been the HUGE tell.

He clearly couldn't care less about any of you, and wants to waste this inheritance.

What a loser, to care so little for his own child that they don't even have a proper bed to sleep in.

Your poor children with such a father.

CornishGem1975 · 04/12/2023 21:43

That’s not true. You don’t necessarily share an inheritance on divorce.

I "gave" my exDH back his inheritance during our divorce, I'm a minority here but I don't see inheritance as a marriage asset. It wasn't mine to keep. I can't see in what world I should be entitled to it or vice versa.