To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

[Ginandcigarettes]

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

I think YANBU.

But if the gender roles were reversed the polling results would probably flip too.

Yes, I think you're right, a bigger conversation about finances is badly needed and I've told him this before but he's incredibly cagey and I don't know how to get him to realise transparency is necessary.

I funded my maternity leave and since our children were born I've paid for pretty much everything for them "because I get the child benefit". Most years I subsidise this with around £1k of my own money. Their dance classes alone are £100 a month and on top of that is Brownies/Scouts, school trips, clothes, shoes. I've paid for Christmas, birthday and birthday parties every year. Even after he got his inheritance I booked and paid for a £600 holiday for next year while he was sat with me and it took him 3 weeks to send me his half, during which time I went overdrawn. I told him I was overdrawn multiple times and needed the money sent over urgently and still had to wait another week - I was furious!

Wtaf. You funded your mat leave from your savings?!!

Divorce him. Take half the inheritance and convert the garage. He is a tit.

Has he actually received the money? Was probate granted in August ? Legally the executor should not distribute funds before 6 months has passed after probate is granted. Many do but it's something to do with what if someone contests it or something.

Gambling has crossed my mind but he swears he doesn't gamble. I have absolutely no idea how much money is left, it could be all of it, could be none of it!

Your issue here is nothing to do with inheritance and everything to do with him

Is he stocking up a running away fund? He doesn't sound too excited to be a family man.
Maybe push the issue and get 3 builders quotes.

Do explain how you can swap the gender roles here? What isi the male equivalent of maternity leave? There isn't;t one. Which is why it's so incredibly frustrating when posters constantly come on to every thread and bleat on about gender roles.

Women end up poorer in old age. And single parenthood. And they typically have the care of the children. It's GOOD for women to advise other women to look after themselves because men, and society, don't.

Divorce him and half will be yours then to look after your children properly.

You should bill him for his share of the childcare you do..

Not acceptable. Agree with other posters, you need to set it out clearly - your child's needs must be addressed and if his own child is not his priority then what is?

Both of us have inherited from parents, and both of us pooled the money. We had individual fun money, family fun money, put some away for a rainy day, and then used the remainder for double glazing, new boiler, new fences etc.

Nope, I wouldn't 'flip'. They are married, they have children, they share a household. Both partners have a duty to share family expenses and invest equally in the family's future. If a wife was behaving like this I'd be equally contemptuous.

Oh please

He sounds like a selfish, controlling twat.

I asked him and he said he has the money. I thought the wait was six months too but he told me he's been paid it already.

@Cosyblankets you're right, I couldn't give a monkeys about the money, I just want to get the work done on our house (however it's funded) and feel like he's being an equal partner in working towards improving the future of us and our children. I've worked overtime for the last 18 months to bump my pay up to afford my share before we knew he was getting this inheritance. He hasn't done a damn thing.

Well put 👏🏻

Inheritance aside, how does each of your salaries compare?

I agree with this.
OO, I bet your husband is a twat in many ways?

I don't actually know where to start with this.

He needs to be giving you at least £20K of the inheritance to boost your savings back up, paying off the mortgage (not just his bloody half!), getting the garage conversion sorted and just generally not being such a selfish pathetic twat!

So you pay 50% of the bills and 100% of child expenses?

This. The maternity leave situation is the killer and clearly demonstrates the disparity - you both have a baby but you alone take the financial hit. He may be a ditherer but he is also a stingy bastard. Child outgrowing bed also appalling. He may just like looking at his lovely bank balance or maybe he is a secret online bingo fanatic. It is insanity not to clear the mortgage and do repairs debt free to save both of you paying all that interest over the longer term. Even wanting to ring-fence what he puts in to settle mortgage would be more reasonable (but still crappy in my opinion). Cards on table confrontation needed. Also, the bank harass the life out of you to invest when you have money lying around in accounts, so he can’t say he’s forgot about it!

I’d be (someone snarkily) suggesting he’s saving the money for his second family cos clearly you guys aren’t his priority!

This is so appalling, I'm so sorry to read this. Both the sorry history and the mess of this situation. He needs to sit down and be totally transparent with you, and be willing to sit down and make plans together - ideally ones that involve using some of the inheritance to make up for his exploitative financial behaviour to date - or you need to get out. I don't know the law on inheritance in marriage and am sure we have some legal eagles on here who do, but aren't inheritances during marriage considered marital assets? If they are - and I might have misunderstood this - you'd be better off divorcing him...! Let alone the fact that his behaviour even prior to this is divorce-worthy IMO.

Oh yes, we'd all be supporting the OPin leaving her son in a bed that is too short and letting the house fall apart around their ears. That is the kind of misandrists we all are

Do you want to be right?
or do you want to get what you want?

do not let this guy piss £100k up the wall don’t even try and find half the build.

Tomorrow first thing get on the phone /internet and find some decent builders.
get them round, get quotes and make sure your DH is there.
ask him which he prefers, if he mumbles and faffs, you pick one.
Start looking at deposits to hold the builders tell the kids loudly and clearly with great fan fare and enthusiasm the build is happening thanks for daddy and GDs inheritance. Woo hoo!
get at least some the money put into somewhere you can access and start pricing up and buying fixtures and fittings.

Nike said it best “just do it”