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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

223 replies

Ginandcigarettes · 04/12/2023 21:21

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

OP posts:
Dinkydoo17 · 04/12/2023 22:09

laclochette · 04/12/2023 22:05

This is so appalling, I'm so sorry to read this. Both the sorry history and the mess of this situation. He needs to sit down and be totally transparent with you, and be willing to sit down and make plans together - ideally ones that involve using some of the inheritance to make up for his exploitative financial behaviour to date - or you need to get out. I don't know the law on inheritance in marriage and am sure we have some legal eagles on here who do, but aren't inheritances during marriage considered marital assets? If they are - and I might have misunderstood this - you'd be better off divorcing him...! Let alone the fact that his behaviour even prior to this is divorce-worthy IMO.

Very well put

ISpyNoPlumPie · 04/12/2023 22:13

Oh this isn’t normal at all. It’s horrifying. 20 fucking years?! The money is family money, and your husband’s behaviour is abhorrent. My partner and I bend it backwards for the family and for each other. It doesn’t fucking work any other way. How can you stay with him? There is no trust, openness, or honesty here. It’s not a functioning relationship.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 22:15

Your husband sounds like an absolute shit.

He's sitting there on a six figure sum while your bank account is basically empty because you self funded your maternity leave and your son doesn't have a proper bed.

I'd think seriously about divorcing him and taking half of everything.

GuinnessBird · 04/12/2023 22:15

Legally the money was left to OP's husband, not her so the money is his.

He's a big of a dick for not getting a move on though.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/12/2023 22:16

Coyoacan · 04/12/2023 22:06

Oh yes, we'd all be supporting the OPin leaving her son in a bed that is too short and letting the house fall apart around their ears. That is the kind of misandrists we all are

Show quote history

You appear to have completely misunderstood my post but fortunately OP did not but crack on love 🤣🤣

nutbrownhare15 · 04/12/2023 22:16

Don't pay half of the extension either, he should pay all of it. Keep the savings you have built up as you are probably going to need them.

NaturalStudy · 04/12/2023 22:16

Why are you allowing this to happen? If my DH tried to be vague with me about money which would improve my DCs quality of life I would follow him around the house asking him the question on repeat until he answered me properly.

ithinkmyheadiscavingin · 04/12/2023 22:17

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 21:35

The fact that you still had to fund half of the bills while off work birthing, feeding and nurturing HIS Babies would be enough to drive me to divorce.

What a cunt.

This

He's not in this with you.

GreenPinCushion · 04/12/2023 22:19

I've name changed for this. I've just inherited £98k - the first thing I did was pay off our mortgage (£40k) I have not asked DH to cover half of this. I then gave £2k to each DC. I've just booked a holiday for all of us next year that has cost £10k. The rest is earning interest in my savings but I completely view this as family money. The house needs decorating so I'll probably pay for that. Your DH is a selfish prick.

Having just gone through settling an estate (took 18 months in my case) I am surprised that your DHs granddad's estate was settled so quickly, assuming he wasn't the only beneficiary. Are you sure he's got the money already?

MasterBeth · 04/12/2023 22:19

CornishGem1975 · 04/12/2023 21:43

That’s not true. You don’t necessarily share an inheritance on divorce.

I "gave" my exDH back his inheritance during our divorce, I'm a minority here but I don't see inheritance as a marriage asset. It wasn't mine to keep. I can't see in what world I should be entitled to it or vice versa.

I cannot comprehend a marriage where one spouse has a hundred grand or more that they think is "mine", and not "ours".

Viviennemary · 04/12/2023 22:24

FrenchandSaunders · 04/12/2023 21:25

It’s not his money, it’s both of yours. You’re married. He’s bring a twat.

It absolutely is his money if it was left to him.

HenriettaVienetta · 04/12/2023 22:25

Inheritance only becomes 'family money' if it gets used, even in part for joint enterprise, be that holidays, mortgage, paying the bills, whatever. If it is kept separate and never joins the communal pot, it is not automatically considered a joint asset.

I have had extensive legal advice around this specific issue and it is not straightforward. Because of my personal situation, although I stand to inherit quite substantially, I will aim to ring-fence it as mine for the foreseeable future. H's inheritance is ploughed into our house, so is currently a joint asset. If we divorce, as my inheritance is likely to be larger, I will return his as long as mine is kept safe. I have had to learn to protect myself, hard nosed as that may be.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 22:27

GuinnessBird · 04/12/2023 22:15

Legally the money was left to OP's husband, not her so the money is his.

He's a big of a dick for not getting a move on though.

It's not as clear cut as that, legally speaking.

But even if it were, if you want to play that game he still owes her money for maternity leave.

Switcher · 04/12/2023 22:29

He saw you coming didn't he.

Forgotmycoat · 04/12/2023 22:30

BalletBob · 04/12/2023 21:31

This isn't really a proper marriage is it? Not in his eyes at least. If you're married, you're a unit. I can't fathom the idea of inheriting money and not putting it in the family pot, or my husband doing so. We're a team and our life is shared.

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings

^ This is despicable. He just does not view you as an equal partner, or your family as a truly joint venture.

This jumped out at me too. This man has never seen you as an equal nor will he.

GuinnessBird · 04/12/2023 22:30

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 22:27

It's not as clear cut as that, legally speaking.

But even if it were, if you want to play that game he still owes her money for maternity leave.

Show quote history

Please tell me, legally how the husband owes the OP money?

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 22:33

GuinnessBird · 04/12/2023 22:30

Please tell me, legally how the husband owes the OP money?

Show quote history

I'm not talking about legally, I'm talking about morally. No woman should have to self fund her maternity leave whilst her husband's bank balance is unaffected.

Legally speaking there is no such thing as his money and her money though. Even his inheritance is theirs in the eyes of the law.

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2023 22:34

He sounds like a twat.

When my DH inherited a similar amount of money we did some work on the house and used it to bump up my pension as that was the best financial option for us

You need to get the spreadsheet out and see what income you have coming in. Financial transparency from both of you.

I would advocate him spending a bit of this money on frivolous stuff if he wants to but he needs to do the right thing for his family and spend the money on the house. It's heartbreaking to hear your eldest doesn't have a proper bed when it could be sorted out now.

fairymary87 · 04/12/2023 22:36

You'll be better off on your own. He'll leave you one day, with all his money when something better comes along.

GuinnessBird · 04/12/2023 22:37

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 22:33

I'm not talking about legally, I'm talking about morally. No woman should have to self fund her maternity leave whilst her husband's bank balance is unaffected.

Legally speaking there is no such thing as his money and her money though. Even his inheritance is theirs in the eyes of the law.

Show quote history

You are aware that legally, there is no such thing as family money?

I agree with you yes that morally he owes OP money, but let's be realistic, she won't get anything unless she divorces him and even then it's not guaranteed.

MidnightMeltdown · 04/12/2023 22:37

FrenchandSaunders · 04/12/2023 21:25

It’s not his money, it’s both of yours. You’re married. He’s bring a twat.

No, inheritance is not a matrimonial asset. The money belongs to him, it is not joint.

KissyMissy · 04/12/2023 22:38

Christmasisonitsway · 04/12/2023 21:29

The fact your child sleeps in a bed too small for him, yet your husband won't take steps to improve this situation, is appalling. I honestly would be reassessing the relationship.

Yep 👍🏽 spot on

tachetastic · 04/12/2023 22:39

I don't think an inheritance should immediately become part of the shared assets of a couple, but at the same time I think each partner should support their joint aims.

I have already told DH that any inheritance I get from my parents will be spent on property to generate rental income and an asset for our future retirement, should we need it. I view this as my choice as it is my inheritance and I think I know best, but I also believe this is for the benefit of our family, not just me.

Am I being unreasonable????? 😱😱😱

EnterFunnyNameHere · 04/12/2023 22:41

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 21:35

The fact that you still had to fund half of the bills while off work birthing, feeding and nurturing HIS Babies would be enough to drive me to divorce.

What a cunt.

I couldn't agree more. Marriage means being in it together - why is he happy for you to be so financially disadvantaged by his actions? Its sickening.

I had an inheritance very early on in our relationship and chose to invest it in mutually beneficial spending foe me and my then partner. Now we are married DH has received a not insignificant inheritance which is currently in our joint savings account waiting to be spent downpaying the mortgage. There has never been a hint on either side that it's not shared money, because we are a team!

GuinnessBird · 04/12/2023 22:41

I am slightly worried that some posters believe that 'family money' has a legal basis and that they are entitled to a spouse's wages or inheritance outside of divorce.

I see this posted as fact far too many times.

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