To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

[Ginandcigarettes]

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

You need the frank, cards on table conversation with husband. It family money not ‘his’ money. There are things the family needs. Pin him down. You are not being unreasonable.

I haven't read everybody's replies but wanted to say, OP, you and your DH have three children. He has the opportunity to make their childhood more comfortable with home improvements, broaden their horizons with travel, activities etc. Surely you need a big conversation about whether he's actually prepared to do his best as their father?

Tell him what’s happening and see what he says. Your relationship does seem dysfunctional. I suspect you won’t be able to just tell him will you.

Sorry but just read your update re:funding your own maternity. Hate to break it to you but you are not in a partnership OP.

This. You've been together twenty years. You're married and have children together. You've agreed this work needs doing. Stop pussyfooting around.

The inheritance seems like a tip of a very uncomfortable iceberg. I was actually most struck by the fact he won’t sort out for DC room for them and he didn’t care you went overdrawn for weeks? The general lack of caring about his family to me would be a major cause for concern and I’d really struggle to see past why he has so little regard for how he treats you.

Both me and my husband have at different points in the relationship inherited money, he spent some of his setting up our first flat and joint holidays and I put a chunk of mine down on our first mortgage and initial reno etc and holidays (we hadn’t had DC at that point). Yes we might have bought a few bits for ourselves but the priority was setting up our lives TOGETHER. I’m just really sad reading your OP, I don’t understand how he can sit back while you’ve struggled.

He sounds really grim. Uncaring towards you and your kids. I dont think i could allow my husband to treat me like this, or i'd like to think not. Notwithstanding the likely rows i think you need to dig your heels in and stand up for yours/your kids 'rights'. when he married you, he took on certain responsibilities.

good luck.

Your son is in too small a bed

He didn't want to help financially when you were on maternity leave having had his child.

He is a prick!! I agree to an extent that the inheritance is his but his family has enormous needs right in front of him that should be his priority.

I'm sorry but I would have left him when he made you fund your own mat leave.

I don't believe his inheritance is joint money. Its his money. He can choose to spend it as he pleases.

However, I don't think you should have paid half of the mortgage and bills on maternity leave. You stayed home to look after his child. I also don't believe you should have to pay all of the children's cost. The children belong to both of you.

I think he's keeping you skint and whittling away your money on purpose. It give him control and make you vulnerable. Often women are unable to leave and unable to divorce because the can't afford to. I would make sure you have exit plan money if you can afford to put it away. I think you need a serious chat about money. 50:50 isn't necessarily fair.

Also, although I don't think the inheritance is joint money I would find it very hard to respect a man that allows his child yo be uncomfortable while sitting on cash. The same with the house falling apart. He should want his children to be comfortable.

See I dont think he can spend the money as he pleases. When he married and had children he agreed to look after you, as you did him. That means if you come into a lot of money it should be shared. I say that as someone who has inherited a load more money than my husband ever will - it was used to pay off our mortgage, and some debts he had.

I think the inheritance is his, but I would lose the last vestige of respect for a man who would see his family remain in unsuitable living conditions whist sitting on 100k.
To make you dip into savings whilst on maternity leave (unless you were both using savings and no other option) is appalling. To not fund 50% of the kids expenses if your arrangement is 50:50 is appalling.
To the poster who gave up work to care for a miser that fully intends to disinherit her and still expects to go halves on the bills - WTF were you thinking??? Go back to work, let him pay a full time carer.
It makes me sad how many women put up with this shit.

Legally, it would be considered to be a matrimonial asset on divorce if there otherwise weren't enough in the pot to go round. The crucial point in divorce is how much money there is in total.

Generally, if you marry someone, you enter into a legal contract to share your assets and income. People are so busy thinking about dresses and cakes that they quite often don't stop to think that marriage is a really big deal, legally speaking.

Morally, the inheritance belongs to both of you. Your entire family would benefit from your wretched husband starting to see marriage for what it actually is, and acting accordingly.

Often women are unable to leave and unable to divorce because the can't afford to

Very true. But with a husband who has a large inheritance, the OP probably can afford to. If I were her husband, I'd be very worried - he has clearly spent years controlling the OP by means of money, and she could quite easily turn the tables on him. I hope she does.

Your husband is being extremely selfish. How can he see his son sleeping in a bed that is too small or him and not do something about it (when he has the cash to do so).

Urghh.

The figures in a will are NOT fact.

I was willed an asset with the value of £160k (a property) but the persons estimates on the value of their estate where WAY off. Its actually worth only a 3rd of what the will said it was worth. Nothing was valued prior to the will it just went off the deceased said things where worth.

Also the 'your married its half his' stuff is utter bullshit.

That money however is mine not DH, it was left to me and if I die before its closed out it skips me and goes direct to the children. It was not left to him and us being married does not change that. My will also states if I die it bypasses him and goes direct to the children. You CAN disinherit a spouse from anything you want (they can contest but anyone can contest a will it means nothing). He will get beneficiary of my life insurance instead which is more and plenty.

DH will inherit his own money when he loses his own family, that will be his money not mine. Same for will and life insurance.

Being married does not mean you can no longer have your own money or things (thats financially abusive and sets people up to be trapped and lose everything). If I gave half of my inheritance to DH then divorces me then gets his inheritance as well then I will have lost basically everything I have to leave to or secure any future for my kids but he would have made off like a bandit, thats not financial sense at all.

An inheritance is a huge gift, left to the NAMED person.

@housethatbuiltme You're confirming pretty much exactly what I said.

In your case, your husband would benefit from a life insurance policy in the event of your death, so there would be no 'need' for him to inherit your inheritance.

The law is governed by 'need'. If there is otherwise enough money to go round, inheritances/pre-existing assets etc don't 'need' to be shared on divorce. In a situation where there isn't enough to go round, then they do.

There are plenty of what you call "bandits" around - but the law is on their side if they would otherwise not be able to house themselves (and any children of the marriage) adequately. You could say that all SAHMs who end up with 60% of their ex husbands' assets are "bandits" - but very few people would think that way.

Generally, if you marry someone, you enter into a legal contract to share your assets and income.

No you don't.

It should be family money and it sounds like a garage conversion is very much needed. I’d sit down with him and have a very frank conversation about it. And be honest and say how it’s impacting you and the DCs.

I couldn't imagine being married to someone like this! I inherited some money and whilst my DH has been very respectful in terms of leaving the final decision with me as to how we spend it, I see it as our family money. My DH knows exactly how much the inheritance was, and if it were the other way around, I'd know too as we are a partnership.

Another vote for LTB. Let the courts and your lawyer fight for what is fair but leave and live a better life regardless, knowing you aren't being financially abused anymore.

This is really shitty behaviour of him, op. You've tethered yourself to a dead weight.

Loads of food for thought here, thank you.

Regarding the money I spent on maternity, at the time I had a job which paid well and so I saved any bonuses I earned over a five year period specifically to fund two maternity leaves (accidentally had twins second time around 😆). In hindsight I should've asked him to save some too or contribute more.

Over the last 10 years I've earnt significantly less than him but still been able to save some, he apparently had hardly anything in savings prior to his inheritance, when I've queried where his money has gone he says he spends it on food shops... He does a fair bit of the food shopping but certainly not all and this doesn't sit right. I don't think he's a gambler but there's something fishy about his finances and despite me asking numerous times for transparency he refuses. While my financial situation has changed dramatically (and not for the better) since having kids his really hasn't. We do pay the bills according to percentage income now (55/45) but he wasn't particularly keen on that.

I told him a month ago it has upset me that since he knew he'd be getting a large inheritance (since April) he hasn't once asked me if the kids need anything. He's contributed £300 towards the Christmas presents/Christmas outings for the first time in ten years. He still hasn't asked if the kids need anything!

On the back of your replies I asked him last night how much he was willing to put into the house renovations and he said £80-90k. Once again my request for financial transparency was met with silence. Apparently the rest is going into savings for the kids.

On the whole he's a great dad and great at the day to day stuff, anything outside of the norm though is a different story. The description of a ditherer is a good one. Maybe I need to take charge a bit more and just crack on and tell him what the cost is going to be.

I do wonder if he thinks I might end our marriage, I've told him I'm not happy with the way things are and at one point he said "how do I know if I spend the money on the house that you won't then throw me out?". I don't think he's planning to leave as he has the finances now to do it and hasn't. Trouble is we can't keep living in limbo and the lack of financial commitment and transparency is likely to be the final straw which would end our marriage. I don't want his money, but I do want a decent home for us to live in as a family which we agreed prior to all this and for him to pull his finger out and help make it happen.

On the back of your replies I asked him last night how much he was willing to put into the house renovations and he said £80-90k. Once again my request for financial transparency was met with silence. Apparently the rest is going into savings for the kids.

The lack of transparency would be a deal breaker for me. I don't necessarily disagree with the idea of putting some into savings for the DC future, but I'd never tolerate it not being a joint decision.

On the whole he's a great dad and great at the day to day stuff

In that case, how come he has to ask you if the children need anything? A "great dad" would know what they need. A "great dad" would also regard it as completely obvious that maternity leave was a shared cost. A "great dad" wouldn't have his son sleeping in a bed that is too small for him.

He isn't a great dad. He's deceitful and selfish.