To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

[Ginandcigarettes]

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

@HenriettaVienetta Similar here. I too ended up funding maternity leave and having to pay half of everything only for H to leave his job just as my maternity leave ended. Funny that .... after insisting I had to continue working full time to maintain a lifestyle. All things being equal I would happily share but H hasn't pulled his weight and is entitled to say the least. So no my inheritance is being kept separate for the time being. Advice on divorce is that depending on each others needs including overnight childcare, the inheritance can be taken into consideration by a court to ensure both parties have reasonable accommodation but the general stance is that so long as it has not been intermingled with family money (eg paid off mortgage, family cars, or placed into joint accounts) it is separate. Boils down to how good your relationship is I guess.

Ask for your £13k back (I don’t think you should be expected to pay anything while you’re on maternity and not earning/bringing in money…oh and producing and caring for a child) and start charging him 50% for EVERY child related expense. If he says that the child benefit covers it (ha!), do him some very clear sums showing how much the shortfall is.

Do you earn roughly the same and does he pay his way for other bills?

No, I believe the term is marital assets.

If she divorces him quickly before he's frittered it all away on crap she'll be more likely to get something.

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings)

Fool be you! Where was the bill you should have presented to him for rent of your body, birthing, looking after baby afterwards while I presume he went out to work? If it was not shared money, I would have billed him for all of that and dipped far less into my savings.

Sounds like he cannot organise himself. Book a builder and start the wheels in motion get quotes. As a family this money is yours too. What else is he intending to do with it! Or move house and he can pay towards that. Maybe set up a separate account for the build get him to transfer and stop dithering!

I'm funding mat leave from my savings. If I didn't we wouldn't be able to pay the bills. What's the alternative?

Marital assets only come into play during divorce, not whilst couples plan on staying married.

Hopefully OP is considering her options.

I shared 90% of my inheritance with my OH and kids. The rest I use for days out etc. he's being a twat.

No it's not family money.

Did your OH contribute towards the savings?

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings

This is AWFUL. He owes you 6.5k.

My first thought was is he gambling? Just as PP has said.

Whether it's regarded as his money or both, the worst aspect is that he doesn't care about your son or your living environment as a family. Plus, the fact that he's being so cagey about everything, I wouldn't trust him.
Just get some quotes, find out possible start dates for the work and give them to him, telling him to choose one.
I'd want to know where the money is just from a trust, sharing perspective. He sounds a right piece of work.

Yeah this.

He's a selfish prick.

Tell him you're booking the builder because sitting on a cash inheritance while his family lives in unsuitable housing is just disgusting. If he has a problem with that then it's marriage counselling or a lawyer.

So he thinks his children should be entirely funded by the state (child benefit) and his wife?

He doesn't think he has any moral obligation to pay towards his own children?

What the fuck kind of man is this?

You had to fund your own maternity leave in a marriage where making the baby was a joint effort?

I've got a horrible, creeping feeling that he doesn't have the money. Have you seen absolute proof (like bank statements) that he's received the money and it's sitting in his account? And that there's no chance that he may have run up debts and just used the money to put himself back into the black?

You should have walked away when he refused to subsidise you on maternity leave (the first time). That really is despicable.

@GuinnessBird

Not directly, he earned significantly less than me and most of my savings came from the lockdown period where I was working from home. We've always shared bills equally (at his insistence, even though he has much less left over than me) so I don't really feel like they're just mine.

I got divorced this year. I had to share an inheritance with inherited money with XH because I’d treated it as a shared asset and spent it on joint things. My solicitor said if I hadn’t shared it, it would have been mine to keep…so two thoughts occur. Either he knows this and he doesn’t want to share..or he’s in debt and he’s been using that money towards his debts instead.
The fact that he’s been so crap during your Mat leave times and he’s letting you go overdrawn when he has (in theory) got a 5 figure sum in the bank speaks volumes. Honestly, he’s not fully in this marriage. I’d start thinking about seeking legal advice in case he has a foot out the door or he’s hiding something.

What does he bring to the relationship? He sounds bloody awful.

I earn a lot more than my husband (like 10x more). We share everything equally. Providing a home that my family can grow and be happy in is one of my greatest joys and makes my work worthwhile.

Your husband is keeping money for himself that he didn't even earn, to the detriment of his family. This is really appalling and you and your children deserve better.

Can you tell that to him straight and get some answers from him?

He is an arsehole. You had to fund your maternity leave because he refused to pick up the slack. You pay everything toward looking after your children's needs. What does he contribute? What is the point of him?

In your position, the very least I would do at this point is get some quotes in myself and then tell him you've got a good quote and the work needs to start immediately. Your house is falling apart and your poor son is in a tiny bedroom with a bed that's too small for him. At what point does he put his children before his own "needs" (whatever those needs are)? At what point does he treat you as an equal partner in your marriage, to treat you as someone he loves and cherishes? It needs to stop now because if he's not careful you will walk out on him and no one who'd blame you. It's clear it's not about the money for you, you want a home that you can all live in that's not falling apart at the seams. That's hardly too much to ask for.

What does he bring to the marriage in terms of love, emotional support, kindness, all the stuff that we have every right to expect from a spouse? I hope it's a lot because in every practical way the man is a total loser.

I would just crack on and get quotes, that won't cost either of you a penny. If he baulks at this. Then you have your answer sadly