Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

223 replies

Ginandcigarettes · 04/12/2023 21:21

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

OP posts:
Outliers · 05/12/2023 01:57

barbieofswanlake · 04/12/2023 23:24

@Outliers

Why don't you answer Mrs Terry Pratchett? You can't, as there is no male equivalent to birthing and feeding a human being.

"Oh please" as a response to a reasonable question is something even my ten year old has grown out of

I don't argue with strangers on the street, so I see need no need to do so on the Internet.

Have fun though

randomusername2020 · 05/12/2023 02:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Honeychickpea · 05/12/2023 02:38

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2023 22:47

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings)

Fool be you! Where was the bill you should have presented to him for rent of your body, birthing, looking after baby afterwards while I presume he went out to work? If it was not shared money, I would have billed him for all of that and dipped far less into my savings.

This bull again. You can bill until you turn blue, you won't get paid.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 05/12/2023 05:03

FirstTimeTTC989 · 05/12/2023 01:38

Gosh you have been such a fool. I actually think you are being financially abused. Your situation is not ok. You are paying for everything because you clearly want the best for your kids. But he is being HORRIBLE.

I'd see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. You'll be better off.

I agree. People who are married with kids should be pooling their money, it shouldn't be 'his' and 'hers' that's a really weird set up

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2023 05:16

He's not on your team at all, marriage should be a partnership and you should be absolutely on the same page about money - how have you been with him this long without any proper communication? It's clearly not working

Snowdogsmitten · 05/12/2023 05:30

He is awful. My god.

pandarific · 05/12/2023 06:02

Divorce him, my god. The pp who said he’s not on your team is correct, I can’t imagine living with such a drain on me - get rid!

ThreeLocusts · 05/12/2023 06:18

He's an utter twat for not having supported you financially on mat leave. He needs to step up now. Start planning and if he gets upset, explain his twattery to him. Good luck.

Therealjudgejudy · 05/12/2023 06:30

He saw you coming. Stop being so passive op and demand a transparent meeting about finances.
If he refuses, divorce the selfish twat.

SALWARP2023 · 05/12/2023 06:43

I note how everyone thinks the inheritance should be spent. Mine is in the building society to fund retirement if I can't continue to work until State Pension age of 67. What does OP consider to be her DHs unnecessary purchases in the past ? Be careful as future inheritances can be severely eaten into by care home fees so never assume another one will come along.

Frogggie · 05/12/2023 06:48

I immediately thought this too. Maternity leave to look after HIS kids and he didn’t contribute at all? This guy sounds like an absolute waste of space.

jeaux90 · 05/12/2023 06:56

Yes he is taking the piss. Out of you and your DC. Sit him down, it's riot act time.

Mumofoneandone · 05/12/2023 07:15

Swap your husband into the too small bed and your son in with you....... to demonstrate how untenable the situation is!!
Consider/ suggest a house move rather than doing up?
Get some other quotes from builders.
Whilst my husband isn't like this, at times I just have to get on and get stuff sorted as my husband just won't!
It is very infuriating.

Stopbloodybanging · 05/12/2023 07:16

He’s a selfish wanker.
There would be blue murder in my house if DH behaved like this at the expense of his kids.
Wanking selfish tosser.

Nodancingshoes · 05/12/2023 07:24

My DH and I have both had inheritances whilst we've bern together (not as much as your DH's!) and we have shared it all. If one of us had wanted to buy something in particular then if course that would have been fine but it was family money.

Tooshytoshine · 05/12/2023 07:40

@annahay

I meant that it was seen as only the OP's expense rather than that they were using money they had saved. Mat leave us a family expense not an individual one.

Her DH seems to live as an independent state within the family, where his money is his and her money is for her and the children. He is a CF.

Butterflywings18 · 05/12/2023 07:49

The only comment I'd add to whats already been said & rightly so by pp is there is absolutely no way I'd accept your situation OP. This could be down to the fact DH & I don't believe in separate bank accounts. The very thought of talking about his money and my money leaves me cold. We are a team and whats his is mine and what's mine is his. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Pigeonqueen · 05/12/2023 07:50

This is all so bizarre to me. I inherited a large sum in 2019. The minute it landed in our account we went to the bank to pay off our joint mortgage. We’re a team, we share all our money. I’ve been in a relationship like yours before and it wasn’t a proper marriage. Just awful.

123sunshine · 05/12/2023 07:57

He’s either a) very tight. Or b) as was the case with my ex husband, not wanting to commit funds to doing up house as he knew he was fount leave me, which he did.
tike to sit down and have an honest conversation.

TheKnittedCharacter · 05/12/2023 08:09

Why have you got to fund half? You’re married. This and the secrecy make it sound like not much of a partnership.

I inherited a lot of money last year and have never thought of it as anything but ‘our’ money.

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

JennyGracexx · 05/12/2023 08:24

Sorry it would be divorce for me too 😞 he is not a family man

Appleofmyeye2023 · 05/12/2023 08:25

Busbygirl · 04/12/2023 21:35

That’s not true. You don’t necessarily share an inheritance on divorce.

Show quote history

that also is not true, at risk of derailing thread.

The inheritence assets MUST be listed in the legal financial declaration and are considered by law to be “marital assets”, in that ANY asset owned by one legal partner is owned jointly. Same is true of pensions, investments, cars, wine cellars or anything either party “own”. The law views all assets as “joint” in a marriage. It’s the point of marriage.

at the point of a financial agreement being made, there MAY be a legitimate argument that the inheritance “assets” is kept by the spouse who benefitted form it directly. But that is only if the legal “fair settlement” criteria are met. The court cannot, and will not, agree to a settlement where one partner walks with assets including inheritence, and leaves the other spouse in a situation where they are at risk at needing state benefits, then or in future, or for being forced to live in a much poorer lifestyle than before, when that is not necessary because joint money is available to keep both parties in similar lifestyle as pre divorce. In a lot of cases (including my own) spouses walk away with their inheritance still in their name, but adjustments are made elsewhere in financial agreement to level up.

where it does happen that inheritence is ring fenced is either in exceptionally short marriages , where no children , or where there is excess wealth after “fair settlement” criteria are met. So, millionaires tend to be able to keep their inheritances intact.

The law is slightly different in Scotland where inheritance is more complicated, at all sorts of levels.

after having children, a long relationship and not having that many assets, the OP, if divorcing, would be able to gain a settlement that includes ALL assets irrespective of who “bought” or “contributed” what into the marriage. That’s the whole point of “fair settlement”

Butterflywings18 · 05/12/2023 08:28

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

Surely your DC wouldn't accept this situation and they would ensure you were taken care off financially too. It's shocking.

Hmindr68 · 05/12/2023 08:38

To give him (generously) the benefit of the doubt, it may just be that he’s shit at project managing/ the task asked of him is overwhelming.

My DP has plenty of money, would pay for something for the family when asked to do so, but wouldn’t actively go out and start the process of spending it/wouldn’t budget/ would mumble and procrastinate.

I think you need to take hold of the issue, call builders and possibly instruct an architect (the builder will probably ask for drawings. You may need planning permission). Invite some architects round, get him to meet them too, make it very fucking clear that the inheritance is paying for them. Don’t let him wince at the price and ask if there’s a cheaper way to do it. No, just fucking spend it and get it done. Your architect Can make any planning apps for you.

You also need to work on how YOU view family money. The behaviour you allow is the behaviour that will continue. Stop being a martyr/doormat. If the mortgage needs to be extended to fund it, it comes out of joint, family money, not just yours FFS.

Swipe left for the next trending thread