Page 9 | To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

Ginandcigarettes · 2023-12-04T21:21:01+00:00

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective. Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used. Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started. In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all. Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done. I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home? Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

Original poster

Ginandcigarettes · 05/12/2023 11:58

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

Oh blimey 😳 I know it's a bit rich coming from me but even I wouldn't stand for this! 100% with the people saying go to work and let him pay for a carer! Sending you ❤️, your situation sounds so hard.

OP posts:

LeopardPJS · 05/12/2023 12:01

I do wonder if he thinks I might end our marriage, I've told him I'm not happy with the way things are and at one point he said "how do I know if I spend the money on the house that you won't then throw me out?".

So when he thinks about the possibility of your marriage ending, he isn't thinking 'but then I won't be married to her anymore and the kids won't live with me all the time'... he's thinking: 'but I'll have put all that money into the garage extension, and only my children will be benefiting from it, not me!!'

He is a selfish twat who cares more about the money than he does about your marriage.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 05/12/2023 12:01

DH got a very significant and unexpected inheritance when his father died. He just left it in the bank for nearly a year because it was very bitter sweet for him - he'd have swapped it in a heartbeat to have had a better relationship with him. We chatted through some ideas, and he decided to pay our mortgage off - the deeds are in both of our names. We also had a nice holiday, and did a few home improvements. He's put the rest into a high interest savings account towards his pension as he lost a very significant chunk when Equitable Life went tits up (we run our own business). I've honestly never felt entitled to a penny of it, and it was entirely his decision what to do with it.

However, had we been living like you've explained OP, I think I'd have taken very serious issue with any reluctance to spend any of it.

MargotBamborough · 05/12/2023 12:14

Ginandcigarettes · 05/12/2023 11:51

Loads of food for thought here, thank you.

Regarding the money I spent on maternity, at the time I had a job which paid well and so I saved any bonuses I earned over a five year period specifically to fund two maternity leaves (accidentally had twins second time around 😆). In hindsight I should've asked him to save some too or contribute more.

Over the last 10 years I've earnt significantly less than him but still been able to save some, he apparently had hardly anything in savings prior to his inheritance, when I've queried where his money has gone he says he spends it on food shops... He does a fair bit of the food shopping but certainly not all and this doesn't sit right. I don't think he's a gambler but there's something fishy about his finances and despite me asking numerous times for transparency he refuses. While my financial situation has changed dramatically (and not for the better) since having kids his really hasn't. We do pay the bills according to percentage income now (55/45) but he wasn't particularly keen on that.

I told him a month ago it has upset me that since he knew he'd be getting a large inheritance (since April) he hasn't once asked me if the kids need anything. He's contributed £300 towards the Christmas presents/Christmas outings for the first time in ten years. He still hasn't asked if the kids need anything!

On the back of your replies I asked him last night how much he was willing to put into the house renovations and he said £80-90k. Once again my request for financial transparency was met with silence. Apparently the rest is going into savings for the kids.

On the whole he's a great dad and great at the day to day stuff, anything outside of the norm though is a different story. The description of a ditherer is a good one. Maybe I need to take charge a bit more and just crack on and tell him what the cost is going to be.

I do wonder if he thinks I might end our marriage, I've told him I'm not happy with the way things are and at one point he said "how do I know if I spend the money on the house that you won't then throw me out?". I don't think he's planning to leave as he has the finances now to do it and hasn't. Trouble is we can't keep living in limbo and the lack of financial commitment and transparency is likely to be the final straw which would end our marriage. I don't want his money, but I do want a decent home for us to live in as a family which we agreed prior to all this and for him to pull his finger out and help make it happen.

I think he needs it spelling out to him that if the two of you separate everything you both own will be divided up anyway, and the less forthcoming he is with financial information the more it makes you think about ending your marriage.

His comment about you throwing him out just says it all really, doesn't it?

So he's willing to let his kids go short and let you all live in a too small run down home because he thinks he'll be better protecting his own financial interests that way?

It won't, but it's a good insight into how his mind works. He doesn't see you as a team.

caringcarer · 05/12/2023 12:15

Codlingmoths · 04/12/2023 21:30

Umm. I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around this. ‘Our son sleeps in a bed too small and our house desperately needs repairs. You have the money for this and every single day now I think another day where my husband has done fuck all towards getting his family a functioning house. Are you waiting for me to organise it? Or are we just not a priority?

This. I'd just tell him he needs to stop hoarding his money and sort the house out. You can't go on like this. Get a proper quote then show it to him.

Codlingmoths · 05/12/2023 12:15

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

jesus Christ!! You’re healthy, go get a job. He sounds perfectly capable of booking himself a carer or just rotting and I find it hard to care which. Just stop looking after him and look after yourself. Save your money so you can leave if he gets too horrible - the house is in your name too whether you live there or not. Don’t spend on anything that you don’t have to, including his favorite foods etc. he is clearly capable of doing an online shop as well as finding himself a carer. You only get one life, take it back please!!

MargotBamborough · 05/12/2023 12:19

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

Jesus Christ, divorce the bastard (terminally ill or not), take your half and go back to work.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 05/12/2023 12:23

What I think is that when you decide to keep your money separate to stop him accessing and spending yours, you also accept that it works both ways. So I don't see it as joint money.

However, he should WANT his children to be comfortable and the fact that you're having to badger him to sort quotes etc is really not OK at all. He should be enough of a grown up to discuss with you what he's prepared to spend.

Freckles81 · 05/12/2023 12:25

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 21:35

The fact that you still had to fund half of the bills while off work birthing, feeding and nurturing HIS Babies would be enough to drive me to divorce.

What a cunt.

Exactly!

Frogggie · 05/12/2023 12:27

He’s told you how much he’s willing to spend so honestly I’d just go ahead and get quotes / organise the work yourself. Clearly he isn’t going to. Whether you’re willing to stay with someone with so little motivation to do even the bare minimum for his children and spouse is another issue altogether, but in the mean time I would put in the work to get the house sorted because together or not your kids clearly need it.

Cosyblankets · 05/12/2023 12:30

His child's bed is too small.
He isn't a great dad

enchantedsquirrelwood · 05/12/2023 12:40

The inheritance is his. The expecting the OP to fund her mat leave from savings is not ok and is the bigger issue. In my view he owes her that money back.

Spottywombat · 05/12/2023 15:00

I would struggle with the lack of trust.

He can't bring himself to fund renovation, just in case...

GuinnessBird · 05/12/2023 16:55

A few posters were right then, he's worried that if he spends it on the house he'll lose it in a divorce, that's why he's keeping it separate.

Nimello · 05/12/2023 17:16

I don't think he's planning to leave as he has the finances now to do it and hasn't

But he hasn't got the finances to do it! And I am sure he has at the very least Googled it to find out. He's got an uspecified sum of money which he would have to share if you and he divorced (unless you're secretly sitting on a fortune which you haven't mentioned).

Unfortunately, though, what he said is tantamount to regarding the marriage as over (if he has ever actually recognised it as a marriage, as opposed to two adults sharing a house and creating a baby). That being the case, you should also regard it as over and get some legal advice specific to your own situation.

GuinnessBird · 05/12/2023 17:18

Nimello · 05/12/2023 17:16

I don't think he's planning to leave as he has the finances now to do it and hasn't

But he hasn't got the finances to do it! And I am sure he has at the very least Googled it to find out. He's got an uspecified sum of money which he would have to share if you and he divorced (unless you're secretly sitting on a fortune which you haven't mentioned).

Unfortunately, though, what he said is tantamount to regarding the marriage as over (if he has ever actually recognised it as a marriage, as opposed to two adults sharing a house and creating a baby). That being the case, you should also regard it as over and get some legal advice specific to your own situation.

If he keeps the inheritance separate then as several posters have said, it will remain his during and after a divorce.

Nazzywish · 05/12/2023 18:41

There must be something else going on here OP. He didnt help out when you were on maternity despite being able to speaks volumes. They're his kids too and had youngone back to work he would've been worse of financially surely so what an arsenal he's been and continues to be. You need to tell.him straight to sort the family house out, don't offer to pay half he has the money and can do it without stretching the mortgage ( doesn't make sense to do that) if you had this inheritance wouldn't he expect the same from you?

SunRainStorm · 05/12/2023 19:45

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

My god.

There is so much wrong here.

First of all, tell him he can either pay you the salary you're unable to earn due to caring for him, or he can hire a carer, a cleaner and a meal service and you'll return to work.

If he finds that unpalatable- point out that is TO THE CENT the amount of money YOU are parting with for HIS care already. You're paying twice, once with your labour and again with the opportunity cost of the paid work you could be doing. Why are you funding something he needs when he apparently wouldn't do the same for you?

Woman have been socialised to be the carers- but the other half of that social contract is that men should be the providers. If he isn't upholding his end then you need to drop yours without a moment of hesitation or guilt.

Check whether you will inherit his half of the house- don't assume that- look at the titles.

Butterflywings18 · 06/12/2023 07:26

Ginandcigarettes · 05/12/2023 11:51

Loads of food for thought here, thank you.

Regarding the money I spent on maternity, at the time I had a job which paid well and so I saved any bonuses I earned over a five year period specifically to fund two maternity leaves (accidentally had twins second time around 😆). In hindsight I should've asked him to save some too or contribute more.

Over the last 10 years I've earnt significantly less than him but still been able to save some, he apparently had hardly anything in savings prior to his inheritance, when I've queried where his money has gone he says he spends it on food shops... He does a fair bit of the food shopping but certainly not all and this doesn't sit right. I don't think he's a gambler but there's something fishy about his finances and despite me asking numerous times for transparency he refuses. While my financial situation has changed dramatically (and not for the better) since having kids his really hasn't. We do pay the bills according to percentage income now (55/45) but he wasn't particularly keen on that.

I told him a month ago it has upset me that since he knew he'd be getting a large inheritance (since April) he hasn't once asked me if the kids need anything. He's contributed £300 towards the Christmas presents/Christmas outings for the first time in ten years. He still hasn't asked if the kids need anything!

On the back of your replies I asked him last night how much he was willing to put into the house renovations and he said £80-90k. Once again my request for financial transparency was met with silence. Apparently the rest is going into savings for the kids.

On the whole he's a great dad and great at the day to day stuff, anything outside of the norm though is a different story. The description of a ditherer is a good one. Maybe I need to take charge a bit more and just crack on and tell him what the cost is going to be.

I do wonder if he thinks I might end our marriage, I've told him I'm not happy with the way things are and at one point he said "how do I know if I spend the money on the house that you won't then throw me out?". I don't think he's planning to leave as he has the finances now to do it and hasn't. Trouble is we can't keep living in limbo and the lack of financial commitment and transparency is likely to be the final straw which would end our marriage. I don't want his money, but I do want a decent home for us to live in as a family which we agreed prior to all this and for him to pull his finger out and help make it happen.

"I dont want his money"
I can't undestand married couples with children who in turn are a 'family' talk about his/her money and my money. My DH has inheritance which went into our joint account (wouldn't have it any other way) and it automatically became our money. The money we both work for is also our money.

LaurieStrode · 06/12/2023 09:23

GuinnessBird · 05/12/2023 16:55

A few posters were right then, he's worried that if he spends it on the house he'll lose it in a divorce, that's why he's keeping it separate.

This.

MasterBeth · 06/12/2023 11:35

tachetastic · 04/12/2023 22:39

I don't think an inheritance should immediately become part of the shared assets of a couple, but at the same time I think each partner should support their joint aims.

I have already told DH that any inheritance I get from my parents will be spent on property to generate rental income and an asset for our future retirement, should we need it. I view this as my choice as it is my inheritance and I think I know best, but I also believe this is for the benefit of our family, not just me.

Am I being unreasonable????? 😱😱😱

Yes, for joining the rentier class.

tachetastic · 06/12/2023 22:23

MasterBeth · 06/12/2023 11:35

Yes, for joining the rentier class.

Show quote history

Fair point, but one for a different thread. 😃

SpideyVerse · 23/02/2024 10:05

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 21:35

The fact that you still had to fund half of the bills while off work birthing, feeding and nurturing HIS Babies would be enough to drive me to divorce.

What a cunt.

Yes, this jumped out at me, too.
His contribution during these periods should have been appropriately recalculated. It was not the wife+mother of his children's onus to still come up with half, and disgraceful that she felt obliged to deplete her savings to cover the shortfall of her earnings necessitated by motherhood!