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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

223 replies

Ginandcigarettes · 04/12/2023 21:21

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 05/12/2023 08:46

Pigeonqueen · 05/12/2023 07:50

This is all so bizarre to me. I inherited a large sum in 2019. The minute it landed in our account we went to the bank to pay off our joint mortgage. We’re a team, we share all our money. I’ve been in a relationship like yours before and it wasn’t a proper marriage. Just awful.

We did exactly the same. As soon as I received the money I paid the mortgage off.

eighbell · 05/12/2023 08:47

He is out of order and he knows it, he just doesn’t care.

Sorry OP, you’re just not his priority. Has he got a new fancy hobby??

I can’t believe he’s not shared it.

the maternity approach and your son’s bed. Unreal!

Cosyblankets · 05/12/2023 08:48

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

Omg this is awful
Are you tenants in common or joint equity. If you're tenants in common his half is part of the estate. If you're joint equity it automatically becomes yours no matter what the will says.
What on earth do your kids think?

Mikimoto · 05/12/2023 08:51

Why don't ANY couple on MN actually TALK?!

"So...shall we chat about the inheritance money and what we can do to the house? What are you thinking? I can ring a designer on Monday if we need ideas"

Halfacnut · 05/12/2023 08:52

I just don't get these married couples who (don't) transfer money to one another and end up with the woman paying for the children etc. Why the fuck get married if you don't know what marriage actually means?

@Appleofmyeye2023 is spot on.

biter · 05/12/2023 08:54

If you decide you want to stay with him (I wouldn't but we are all different). Then don't be wispy washy and tiptoe around him, he's not doing that with you.

Organise 2 quotes from builders. Proper ones. Pref fixed price.

Work out the cost, add on what you spent on mate leave birthing and raising HIS children. Then add that on. Then look at how this gets financed with a mix of inheritance and mortgage uplift (if needed).

Tell him what's happening, don't ask. If he won't budge then throw him out. Seriously what man let's his child sleep in an undersized bed? At best it's lazy, at worst neglectful. Don't be complicit and stand up for your family.

Pigeonqueen · 05/12/2023 09:01

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

Wow that is horrendous 😱😱

BobDylansMasterpiece · 05/12/2023 09:17

Mayorq · 04/12/2023 23:28

Yanbu afaicr inherited money is shared if the husband inherits it but the wife should ring-fence and protect herself. That's the law

what???

Wishimaywishimight · 05/12/2023 09:21

Your child is sleeping in an uncomfortable bed and you had to continue paying your half of the mortgage and bills on maternity leave - hadn't this turned you off him completely? He is uncaring and tight - both really nasty traits.

BobDylansMasterpiece · 05/12/2023 09:22

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

WHY????????????

Why would you give up your job to look after this excuse of a husband? Fuck that, go to work, let him pay for a nurse

shearwater2 · 05/12/2023 09:23

DH is really bad at organising anything, I just end up doing it myself. He used to be a lot better at sorting out house stuff like this when we got married.

babyproblems · 05/12/2023 09:23

Legally it’s not actually his money. It’s both of yours. I’d be forcing him to have a big conversation about finances and contributions to your family as a whole- he is being a twat and tbh if he doesn’t amend his ways I would be considering marriage counselling or separation as you might be better off actually. Does he pull his weight with chores admin kids etc?? Any sign of gambling etc. You deserve better, he’s not treating you as a partner op. Xx

Wishimaywishimight · 05/12/2023 09:29

I really wouldn't care too much about the legalities of whose money it is. The fact that my husband refuses to share what he has with me / his family would be enough to put me right off him.

How is the marriage usually? Could he have been thinking of leaving and now sees the money as his way out hence he's determined to hold on to it?

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2023 09:41

This whole "my half/his half" notion is absurd!

My ex dh wasn't perfect (hence him being my ex) and he wasn't great with money but any extra either of us got for anything went straight into the family 'pot' for things like holidays, work on house, etc.
During maternity leave he made up any difference lost through me being on maternity pay.
Even my now dp shares everything with me and we have only been together 4 years and don't have dc together. He sees us as a team because we live together.

I think you need to get firm with him and find out if he has any intention of spending that money on his family and if not, I really don't see what benefit is is to you or your dc.

BIossomtoes · 05/12/2023 09:42

Legally it’s not actually his money. It’s both of yours.

It’s not. It’s his.

LeopardPJS · 05/12/2023 09:44

Reading this made my heart sink. Your husband is appalling. First, you're married, so whether he likes it or not this money is legally half yours - and even if that wasn't the case and you were just unmarried with kids, the fact that your eldest DC is in a bed too small for him and your kids sleep in a house in need of repairs and he is just sitting around with £100k in the bank and doing nothing about it is unforgiveable. And why on earth didn't he support you on your mat leave rather than you having to remortgage to pay bills? I'd say that was financially abusive. He is your husband! This relationship is completely dysfunctional, sorry OP, I'd be talking to a solicitor.

Goatymum · 05/12/2023 09:46

I never get this attitude of separate money. I inherited a decent amount after my mum passed and we used it in a constructive way - we weren’t even married yet!
i do have a reasonable sum still in my own name, but dh knows about it and if we needed it, it would be used.
Absolutely selfish and ridiculous of your dh.

BIossomtoes · 05/12/2023 09:48

whether he likes it or not this money is legally half yours

It’s really not.

whatkatydid2013 · 05/12/2023 09:49

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

Why on Earth have you given up work to look after him. With his attitude if you stayed working he’d be paying for care out of the inheritance he has no intention of leaving to you anyway. Can you go back to work?

itsgoodtobehome · 05/12/2023 09:55

Wow. DH and I always consider any inheritance to be joint for our family. In fact, our current house is part funded from some inheritance that he got from his grandmother, who I had never even met! I am a firm believer in each having their own money, but I do think inheritance should be a joint thing (unless one of you is planning to leave).

Wick55 · 05/12/2023 09:55

Agree with others, it’s not his money- it’s both of yours. Plus what you are asking for is something a) that benefits the whole family b) is a sensible investment and c) something you have discussed and agreed for a while.
Don’t take money out of the house to pay your ‘half’- that’s just throwing money away in interest isn’t it. He should be financing the lot from the cash. It would be reasonable to ‘treat himself’ to something from the money, although a thoughtful husband would treat you too!

Behindyouiam · 05/12/2023 09:59

BalletBob · 04/12/2023 21:31

This isn't really a proper marriage is it? Not in his eyes at least. If you're married, you're a unit. I can't fathom the idea of inheriting money and not putting it in the family pot, or my husband doing so. We're a team and our life is shared.

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings

^ This is despicable. He just does not view you as an equal partner, or your family as a truly joint venture.

This

greencheetah · 05/12/2023 10:03

If OP is in England or Wales then I believe she would get a share of that inheritance only on divorce as part of financial settlement.

Tbh @Ginandcigarettes I think he’s mean and taking the piss given the whole back story. You would be better off divorcing him if he’s going to be a dick about improving the house.

Is he a bit gullible? Could someone have persuaded him to invest in crypto/getrichquick? Or is there someone in his ear telling him not to invest in the house as it’s half yours?

Big chat, then it would be over for me. And I would invest in a forensic accountant for the divorce…

BIossomtoes · 05/12/2023 10:08

If OP is in England or Wales then I believe she would get a share of that inheritance only on divorce as part of financial settlement.

And possibly not even then. If it was used to pay the mortgage or for home improvements it would become a marital asset, if it was always kept entirely separate there’s a strong chance it would be disregarded. It’s really appalling how many people think any money their spouse has is automatically theirs.

mn29 · 05/12/2023 10:11

TicTacNicNak · 05/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar husband. He got a sizeable inheritance a few years back (c. 200k) and so far all he's done is buy himself an expensive car that he rarely drives as he doesn't want it to get dirty or damaged.

He's now has a terminal illness and I've given up work to be his carer. Although ill, he still works from home for a few hours each day on a PC, which earns him a few thousand each month. I meanwhile have given up work to be his carer. I do everything around the house, the life admin, sort his medications, walk the dogs and take him to his numerous hospital appointments. I get a measly £75 per week carers allowance, but I'm still expected to pay half the mortgage from my dwindling savings.

He talks occasionally about getting things done to the house, but it never happens. He keeps his inheritance in a separate account and has in his will that the two adult DC inherit it on his death, so I'll never see any of it (he did this because we went through a bad patch a couple of years ago). The other day a bill for £460 came in for insurance and he told me to put my half in the joint account! In his will the "rest of his estate" goes to his sister. Fortunately the house is in joint names so at least I'll get that when he goes. Praying I don't have a fatal accident or drop down dead before him, otherwise his sister will get the house too, instead of our DC.

This is absolutely outrageous! He is not treating you like someone he loves and respects. You need to give an ultimatum- either stop expecting me to pay half of everything because I’m not earning due to being your carer, or I will have to go back to work and you’ll have to pay for a carer to come in and look after you.
But after showing me how little he values me I couldn’t be married to him, personally.