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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is taking the piss with his inheritance?

223 replies

Ginandcigarettes · 04/12/2023 21:21

Long time lurker, first time poster and only because I don't want to divulge finances to friends but I need some perspective.

Back story... Husband and I together 20+ years, married for more than half. We earn about the same (not a huge amount over NMW) and have a joint account for the mortgage and bills. The rest of our finances are separate because he has a history of not being great with money and will buy all sorts of crap which doesn't ever get used.

Our house is small and we started planning 5 years ago to do a garage conversion to give our 3DCs a bedroom each and a second toilet. He has continually brushed off my attempts to pin him down to a conversation about finances and how to finance the garage conversion (by extending our mortgage) and no work has started.

In April he sadly lost his Grandad. He received a sizeable inheritance in August but has been very vague about how much he has (around £100-120k). I don't know what he's done with it and while that's fine, it's his money, what is frustrating is that he tells me he wants to spend it on the garage conversion but since he knew he'd be inheriting this money he's had one builder around who has given him a vague ballpark figure. I've asked him countless times to get another builder in for a proper quote and I get met with wishy washy responses. I've offered to sort it but it's difficult as it's not my money and I don't want him to think I'm trying to spend it all.

Our eldest DC sleeps in a bed too small for him because his room is too small for a full size bed. Our garage has a leak, our kitchen is falling apart, we've patched and patched things up over the years of raising small children and having very little spare cash but he's just as reluctant now even though he has the money. We're at the point where we can't keep patching, actual work needs to be done.

I've offered to fund my half by extending our mortgage and paying the difference but that doesn't get met with much enthusiasm either (and the reality is that with the cost of everything going up so much I would struggle to afford it - I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings). So currently the house is too small, no concrete plans to get anything done and all the while the money sits in his accounts earning him (I'm estimating) around £300 per month interest. From the figure the builder gave us he could afford to convert the garage, pay off our mortgage and still have a fair amount of money left over. AIBU expecting him to spend some of his inheritance on our family home?

Additionally I looked at a copy of the will and probate report online (I don't think he realises this is possible) and from the vague figure he's given me there's a £40k+ discrepancy, I'm not convinced he's been honest about how much he inherited.

OP posts:
Birdcar · 04/12/2023 23:22

Sounds like it's his running away fund.

Knitgoodwoman · 04/12/2023 23:23

You should get out of this sham marriage, I’m sorry Op I’ve never heard anything like this. What a tosser.

barbieofswanlake · 04/12/2023 23:24

@Outliers

Why don't you answer Mrs Terry Pratchett? You can't, as there is no male equivalent to birthing and feeding a human being.

"Oh please" as a response to a reasonable question is something even my ten year old has grown out of

BobDylansMasterpiece · 04/12/2023 23:24

" I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially"

And you then had another 2 children with him?

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 23:27

Ginandcigarettes · 04/12/2023 21:51

I asked him and he said he has the money. I thought the wait was six months too but he told me he's been paid it already.

@Cosyblankets you're right, I couldn't give a monkeys about the money, I just want to get the work done on our house (however it's funded) and feel like he's being an equal partner in working towards improving the future of us and our children. I've worked overtime for the last 18 months to bump my pay up to afford my share before we knew he was getting this inheritance. He hasn't done a damn thing.

Show quote history

Tell him you'll find out what money is there in the divorce financial disclosure.

That might concentrate his mind

Mayorq · 04/12/2023 23:28

Yanbu afaicr inherited money is shared if the husband inherits it but the wife should ring-fence and protect herself. That's the law

LifeIsHardAlways · 04/12/2023 23:30

What are you doing with this waste of space. You’d be better to divorce him and have half the inheritance than put up with how things are 🤷🏻‍♀️

vdbfamily · 04/12/2023 23:30

It's it possible that he is just very disorganised. Personally, I would ask around for some recommendations for local builders and tell him you are going to organise quotes. Pin him down to agree what work you actually need to prioritise and get 3 different builders too quite good all of it. Then sit him down with the quotes and decide which company is best and get permission to book them in.
FWIW, I agree with others about all money being family money. I genuinely cannot understand why any woman would have to fund her own maternity leave and not see what that is telling her about her partner( unless she is insisting on doing that too prove her independence) and I have no idea why children become a woman's financial responsibility either.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 04/12/2023 23:31

Either ...

He's spent it

....or

He's keeping it safe as his 'running away ' money

theresastormcoming · 04/12/2023 23:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsRosley · 04/12/2023 23:34

'We can have a full and frank discussion about our finances now, DH, or we can have it in front of our divorce lawyers.'

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 23:35

Legally speaking there is no such thing as his money and her money though. Even his inheritance is theirs in the eyes of the law.

That’s simply not true. As long as he keeps it in his account it’s not a marital asset. It’s only once it’s been used to repay a mortgage or improve the marital home that it becomes a joint asset. I’d be wondering if he’s planning to stick around or if he’s planning to leave some time soon.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 23:35

nutbrownhare15 · 04/12/2023 21:27

Honestly? Now is the time to stop caring what he thinks about 'spending his money'. Legally the money belongs to both of you, the house needs sorting, just get it sorted and tell him what the bill is. He sounds like a ditherer, just get on and get it done.

Legally the money does NOT belong to both of them. If he invests it in a marital asset like the house, then that asset does. But as long as he keeps it in his own bank account, it's his to do with as he sees fit.

I don't think he is obliged to renovate the house with it. Maybe his goals have changed. But he shouldn't be dodging the conversations.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 23:36

Mayorq · 04/12/2023 23:28

Yanbu afaicr inherited money is shared if the husband inherits it but the wife should ring-fence and protect herself. That's the law

No, it's not. Please stop spreading misinformation.

Mayorq · 04/12/2023 23:44

Whoooooosh

mn29 · 04/12/2023 23:49

BalletBob · 04/12/2023 21:31

This isn't really a proper marriage is it? Not in his eyes at least. If you're married, you're a unit. I can't fathom the idea of inheriting money and not putting it in the family pot, or my husband doing so. We're a team and our life is shared.

I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially and now have very little left in savings

^ This is despicable. He just does not view you as an equal partner, or your family as a truly joint venture.

Absolutely this, you were on maternity leave because you had given birth to and were caring for HIS children, you shouldn’t have paid half when you weren’t earning, what kind of ‘partner’ thinks that’s fair and acceptable? As far as the inheritance is concerned, to let his family live in less than optimal conditions when he has the financial means to do something about it is awful.

Schoolrefusa · 04/12/2023 23:51

I would be really hurt by this. We've been married 20+ years and literally what's mine is dh's as much as mine and vice versa and we would definitely prioritise sorting the house here but never need each other's permission, we just discuss it if it's a bigger thing.
i would take the not disclosing the amount badly too as it shows either a lack of trust or simply a selfishness rather than family values . Your DS should speak up too!

TiredCatLady · 05/12/2023 00:15

So he’s inherited a load of money, appears not to want to spend it, you mostly don’t have shared finances, you think he’s been dishonest about the amount… are there any other signs he’s checked out because this sounds like he’s getting his proverbial ducks in a row to leave.

RandomButtons · 05/12/2023 00:19

”I spent £13k of my savings funding my half of the mortgage payments and bills on maternity leave as he didn't help financially”

This reeks of financial abuse.

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 05/12/2023 00:34

He is financially abusive.

SunRainStorm · 05/12/2023 00:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sorry to hear that.

Especially the last part.

Dibbydoos · 05/12/2023 00:45

What some MNrs put up with in relationships is beyond me!
His inheritance is a shared asset, you are married!
You spent savings whilst on maternity leave to pay your half of bills, wtf.
Confront this head on. Or get out either way the inheritance is split.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 05/12/2023 01:00

I'd ask to see confirmation on how much was left out of the money. Just to see how he would respond.

You're not equal in this relationship.

PegasusReturns · 05/12/2023 01:22

the lack of understanding on this issue is astounding, given the number of posters who are likely married and the fact that I and several other posters routinely offer proper advice on this

assets are not legally required to be shared in a marriage; there is no concept of marital assets until a divorce; money that has been ring fenced and/or received shortly prior to divorce may not be a marital asset.

op your H sounds awful. He treated you terribly even before his inheritance. I hope you are able to leave.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 05/12/2023 01:38

Gosh you have been such a fool. I actually think you are being financially abused. Your situation is not ok. You are paying for everything because you clearly want the best for your kids. But he is being HORRIBLE.

I'd see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. You'll be better off.

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