Pregnant with a boy and upset

[Globenew]

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

This!!

@Globenew - How amazingly lucky you are to have a future with both a daughter and a son in it. In a few months time you will hold a little bundle of joy in your arms and you will gaze into his eyes and he will have your heart in his hands for the rest of your life, just the way his big sister has.

I am not belittling your thoughts about how lovely it would be to have a house full of nice clean girls instead of dirty smelly boys, but that is no longer your reality and I honestly think you will love it. As they grow, your daughter may not grow up to be as girly, or your son as manly, as you expect. But they will always be yours, and you theirs.

Speaking from personal experience, we have four DCs, two DSs and two DDs and we constantly hear about how lucky we are to have a mix. I don't know if there is any combination which is better or worse than any other. Embrace the adventure and wherever it takes you.

Well there’s currently a ‘why are men so disgusting’ thread so it’s not that hard to see is it? There’s a real cognitive dissonance around this, acting really shocked a woman would prefer a baby girl while then going on to say what awful disgusting misogynists most men are

Yet another thread about why someone's upset about having a baby boy because they're only really interested in having daughters who play their fantasy role properly.

I don't think it's surprising that some boys grow into men who have distanced themselves from their parents when at least one of their parents had to come to terms with their son being a disappointment. I also don't think it's surprising so many girls grow into women who have a more distant relationship with their mothers once they wise up and realise they're mainly valued for what experiences they give their mother by playing their fantasy role.

What a disgusting attitude to have. I hope you never have and never do experience pregnancy loss but it certainly brings into focus what is important. The journeys that some parents go on to bear a healthy child are long and painful and it is insulting to read you feeling such resentment towards your beautiful baby boy. How entitled and childish. I hope you realise soon how lucky you actually are and learn to love that little man with all the same love you have for your daughter.

You are way way over reacting to this.

The OP and her baby will be fine.

Stop using her as a punch bag. Sort out whatever is making you so angry and unhappy.

Gender (sex?) disappointment is a valid thing. But OP you HAVE a daughter. I think it’s a good thing you’ve found out you’re having a boy now so you can mentally prepare yourself for having a boy. Gently, YABU to be disappointed. I had a girl first, always imagined having girls. My second and third were both boys and they are amazing. (As is my daughter obviously). Having two girls doesn’t guarantee friends for life believe me. Try and get excited about the wonderful little boy you’re having.

Some people's feelings DON'T change and in some cases will lead to the favouritism and ill treatment of adult children that we read about on here. "Golden child" threads.

My baby boy died. I love my girls but there will always be this loss. Be happy for your baby.

You either need to get over it or consider your other options. If you have this child whilst feeling this way they are going to grow up knowing that you resent them just because they are a boy…no one deserves
to grow up feeling like that.

This will pass and you will feel silly. No-one will remember you crowing about only wanting girls and getting one first time round. So no-one will comment on a “disappointing” boy. No-one in wider family is ever as thrilled when second baby comes - novelty is over. You’ll love your boy when he comes.

What I can tell you as mother of a teenage girl is they can be pretty horrid to their mums and are often difficult - like herding cats 😩for a few years. Teen boys seem to be far easier (read nicer) based on my observations of friends and family. You are fortunate to conceive two healthy children - you know this. Chill out.

So sorry. Well said.

You know YABU and you acknowledge that...at least here you can get the feelings out!

I was like you but the opposite, DC1 was a boy and I really hoped for another boy, I imagined myself as a 'mum of boys'

So when I found out I was having a girl, we were obviously happy to be having a healthy baby but it felt tinged with some sadness that it wasn't another boy

Also to add I have a difficult relationship with my mum and I'm sure this coloured my feelings of preferring a boy...finding out it was a girl stirred up many feelings of how my mum has upset me over the years.

It also didn't help that people were saying how wonderful girls were, how they are more loving & gentle & kind compared to boys (NOT true at all! )

At the end, your feelings are valid, but try to look past it and put things in perspective. I was and am utterly grateful to have had two healthy babies who are now both at primary school

Congratulations, you need to try and just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

You're pregnant with a human!

This needs to be the future of parenting, instead of all the gender stereotyping bollocks which evidently starts while they're still in the womb.

I'm now a gran but I remember my gender disappointed as if it was yesterday. I was brought up in a girl household and always imagined I would have two girl's
I had my DD first then found out I was having a DS. I am mortified the disappointment I felt but on those days gender disappointment was not heard of. Both are now grown up my son lives five door away from me with my beautiful DIL. and grandson. My DD is at present travelling around the world with a backpack. I love ❤️ them both dearly but thought my DD and myself would be closer. Please speak to your midwife or other health professional. Even all these years later I am horrified by how I felt and still feel guilty. My grandson is also amazing as well!

I feel short changed

oh get a fucking grip

I think this is more about the unexpectedness of this pregnancy when you felt you were finished with one. Perhaps (maybe even subconsciously) you've imagined daughter having a little double, her own little Anna as it were, as a way of trying to to make yourself feel better about this pregnancy. And when you found out your baby is a boy, that was all blown out of the water and all you're left with is the fear and anxiety of the unexpected pregnancy, which has now been projected onto the sex of your baby.

For what it's worth, I always thought I'd have girls, I only have sisters, my cousins are all female, my mum only has sisters etc. I felt disappointed when I found out my first was a boy. But he is wonderful, all my friends with both say their boys are more affectionate. I then had another boy and only felt happy when I found out. They are both affectionate, funny, energetic... We're hoping for number 3 soon and I am still imagining a daughter, but I won't be surprised or unhappy to have a third boy.

Try and focus on all the things you and your daughter will have regardless of baby being a boy. She will likely still dote on him, and baby him, and love him and play with him just the same. He may end up playing Anna whether he likes it or not 😂
As adults she'll have a brother to turn to, and they both get the gift of growing up with siblings of the opposite sex, which can be helpful when navigating future relationships.
Your daughter won't have to care for/worry about you by herself when you're elderly. When you pass away, she won't be alone in the world.
All these things are good.

Totally agree with this. In my experience girls are much harder. It's the boys at school I feel sorry for. They don't stand a chance....... 😂

Congratulations on having another healthy child OP. I’d be so excited to be having a boy as I know what it’s like to have a daughter. All combinations have their qualities.

Please remember the scan where you found out was an anomaly scan (not the “gender scan” as it’s so often referred to 🙈- as if the NHS would pay for millions of scans just for that…) and remember that you were so lucky to have left only annoyed about the sex and not deeply worried about something else.

You will look back at this and cringe, I’m sure. Boys are wonderful!

Be grateful for what you have - and what you’re going to have. I am in year 5 of trying & would do anything to have your ‘Predicament’. Enjoy your family & your new baby - I am sure that once he’s with you, all of this will be forgotten.

I’ve got three kids, and I’ve got a great relationship with my oldest, who happens to be a son. When he was old enough to communicate it turned out we were very much in tune, even as a tiny little boy. As he’s grown we’ve turned out to be spookily similar as people, same sense of humour, lots in common. I’m not saying he’s a mini-me, he’s his own man. But we have a great time together. He talks to me about everything - sometimes I don’t want to know😂

Kids are who they are, their bits aren’t really relevant to their personalities, you may well have had a girl who didn’t want to play at Anna and Elsa but wanted to be Olaf instead. They’ll be whoever they are meant to be. Please don’t get down about it, your son will mean the world to you.

I really don’t understand this whole ‘but I can only see myself with girls/boys’ or ‘I’m a girl mom/boy mom!’ It just doesn’t sit right. We don’t have crystal balls and we aren’t in control when it comes to nature. My mum has always voiced that she hoped my brother was a girl so I could have a ‘best friend’ but tbh I’m glad he wasn’t…I was bullied by other girls as a teenager, and it would have broke me to have all that stick at school then come home to a sister being catty with me. My brother though bless him, was just a big softie…he would smile and nod…no teasing me, gossiping or horrible comments.

I'm so sorry.

💐 I hope ‘24 is your year, if not this month. A friend has had her baby she waited for for five years recently.

Always dreamed of a girl , had a boy and he’s amazing! Funny, loving and polite! He’s 4. Very active not an indoor child. Got my wish second time and wow she’s a sassy madam but she’s wonderful.