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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Loveandloveandlove · 04/12/2023 20:28

I had a girl first and a boy second. I love having one of each. Think yourself lucky for being able to give birth to at least one healthy child. Many women don’t have this.

curlysue1991 · 04/12/2023 20:29

Stop the world I want to get off ....

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2023 20:30

You're projecting a mythical perfect family which doesn't exist onto your reality.

Boys are brilliant, they seem easier than girls and just get on with things. I have 2, both totally different, both great.

Nannyfannybanny · 04/12/2023 20:32

This is why finding out the sex is pointless. Look up the difference, between sex and gender!!

Strictlymad · 04/12/2023 20:32

I supposed I always ‘imagined two girls’ and had similar pregnancy symptoms with my second child after having DD so I was expecting a girl I guess. Finding out it was a bit was a surprise and took an adjustment in my thinking, but I would say these feelings passed within a day. I certainly didn’t feel as strongly as you. I now have the most gorgeous little boy, who has multiple health issues and who we have almost lost on 2 occasions. He’s currently in hospital again. I feel so guilty for the feelings I felt in thy day after finding out and honestly would just love him to be well. Little boys are just adorable. Perhaps you need to get some mental health help?

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2023 20:32

My 41 year old DS is the most important person in my life. He is always there for me. He comes over and does my carpentry and DIY. He never forgets my birthday and we can talk about anything and everything. I have no idea what I would do without him.
You get out of sons what you put in. Remember that.

Zanatdy · 04/12/2023 20:33

boys are wonderful and one day you’ll look back on your disappointment and laugh. I get you, I wanted a daughter so much on my 3rd pregnancy, after 2 son’s. I was fortunate to have a daughter but gender disappointment is very real and you’re allowed to feel how you do. Of course people will tell you that you’re a horrible person but none of that will make you magically want a boy. Once you’ve got him in your hands you’ll be good. Honestly, I wonder now why I was so desperate for a daughter, I love her to bits but also love my sons to bits. I’d have loved a 3rd son too. You’ll be ok

SophieinParis · 04/12/2023 20:33

I have girls and boys. I had girls to start, and thought I only ever wanted girls. Then I had a boy..cutest baby/toddler/child ever! I love my boy

TheGoogleMum · 04/12/2023 20:33

I have an older DD and a still baby DS (8 months). Whilst I was ok with having a son deep down I wanted 2 girls. Ever since he has arrived he has utterly charmed me and I love him so so much. I know of course I love my baby but its taken me by surprise just how much I love him right from the start, I actually didn't have the initial rush of love with DD it built up over time so I guess it's been a different experience this time.
I just hope this reassures you a little?

Thirtyandflailing · 04/12/2023 20:34

Honestly I only wanted girls as well, I had it all planned out in my head, but my second was a boy and honestly when he’s here you won’t be able to imagine life any other way. My son is the complete opposite of my daughter and I absolutely adore him, now I’m hoping for another boy 🤣

Tooshytoshine · 04/12/2023 20:35

Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to be disappointed that it isn't going to be the family you imagined.

I love having a boy. He is currently lying under a blanket in the sofa, chatting about the TV programme we are watching. He is 13 and cuddly and sweet.

My daughter is fierce, independent and headstrong. She is far less cuddly and adoring at 8 years old than him.

They also love each other and although they aren't Elsa and Anna. My very patient boy played Lilo and Angel with my very instructive girl for an hour yesterday.

You will see that baby and feel silly for ever thinking this. Boys are brilliant (as are girls).

Bellaballs · 04/12/2023 20:36

I can't give my DS a sibling as I desperately wish I could every single day I think about it. But I can't . And I am grateful every day that I have been lucky enough to have him , he is the best thing that ever happened me .

Some people can't have any children when they desperately want one.

GameOverBoys · 04/12/2023 20:36

I remember when I was pregnant with DS I felt sad for him because I thought there is no way I’d love him as much as DD not because of his sex (I didn’t know it) but I just loved my DD so much I knew no other baby would compare. When he was born of course I loved him just the same. When your boy is here you will too. Use the rest of the pregnancy to get over yourself and when he’s born you will fall in love.

AmazingSnakeHead · 04/12/2023 20:36

If it's any consolation, my boy loves playing at being Elsa.

YABU. But you know that. That little boy knows you and loves you so much already, you are his mummy and are the perfect mum for him. He is the perfect baby for you.

Namechange666 · 04/12/2023 20:37

Sorry but get over yourself!

Be glad you can at least have them!

Halfacnut · 04/12/2023 20:37

Even if you had 10 girls, you'd have no guarantee that they would want to "play at Anna and Elsa". Having just a sister/sisters can actually be pretty restrictive for girls - girls with brothers tend to conform far less to gender-stereotyped play, and just do what all children should be doing: running around, getting wet and muddy, playing with sticks and that kind of thing.

And that's quite apart from the fact that you should be grateful to have one healthy child with another one on the way, whatever sex they are.

I actually had a preference for girls, but my first child was a son and has proved me wrong a billion times over. He's now 22 and every time I see him (he's doing a DPhil so is not living at home), I am absolutely awestruck by his complete and utter fabulousness.

EmiliaRuusuvuori · 04/12/2023 20:38

@IDontDrinkTea
I'm so sorry, I've been in that horrible situation.
@Globenew I had always pictured myself with a daughter but sadly when I had one she was stillborn at twenty-four weeks.
I am lucky to have sons but it has taught me that every life is precious regardless of sex.
You obviously don't realise how lucky you are when some women would love to have just one baby.

Stickly · 04/12/2023 20:38

Just imagine, God forbid, something ever happened to this baby. That good old saying "you don't know what you've got until its gone" comes to mind. You would hate yourself for ever even considering gender being an issue.
Forget this gender obsessing and love this baby with all you've got. Like everyone else is saying, gender is no guarantee of a close relationship. I am very sure once he's in your arms your feelings will change and you will wonder why you ever felt this way.

Chipsandbeansandcheese · 04/12/2023 20:38

So you’re one of those smug mum of girls.

LindaDawn · 04/12/2023 20:38

Once your baby boy arrives you will love your baby boy just as much as your daughter. Having daughters only can be hard, people compare them. I had one friend say one of my daughters was prettier than the other. When they have babies you can feel torn as to which daughter needs you more. Daughters can rely on their mums more sometimes than boys do which is difficult. You have no guarantee that two girls will have similar personalities and get on well. Try and focus on how lucky you are to be able to fall pregnant again and can afford another baby, so many people can’t.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/12/2023 20:39

I would just ride the wave of feeling a bit upset. Once he is here it'll all make sense 🙂. I felt like you (but for first time baby). I now cannot imagine my life any other way.

Also, remind yourself it's good to not have such an expectation of how a child will be, what if a second daughter actually was a tomboy? She could HATE frozen and all those lovely sister things you're visualising. Now you're getting a child who's born with no expectations.

MissConductUS · 04/12/2023 20:39

I have one of each. The boy was far less drama.

excusesallthetime · 04/12/2023 20:39

I’m sorry some people are being so utterly vile op, some of them should be ashamed of what they’ve written. It must have taken a lot to post what you did

Gender disappointment is a very real thing. I know this is the other way around, but I went through it with dd (after several years ttc) when I was so certain I was having a boy. I felt awful because I knew what a miracle she was, but, I couldn’t switch off how I felt. BUT, I found planning her name, buying some outfits etc, that all helped me to get used to it. And when she was placed in my arms, I wouldn’t have changed her for all of the money in the world.

SquashPenguin · 04/12/2023 20:40

Go and have a read of the infertility board. People who would give anything and everything for any baby, and you might get some perspective.

HaddawayAndShite · 04/12/2023 20:41

Why do boys get such a raw deal on MN?!

Do they? I see an awful lot of “boys are the best” “boys are easier teenagers” “boys love you in a way girls don’t” … it’s all stupid tropes designed to put the sexes against each other from the womb

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