Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Mysteriousflo · 04/12/2023 20:56

I have a boy and a girl and they are so loving towards each other, and proper besties (other than when they fight!!)
they were trying to ballroom dance with each other around the landing tonight!
it might not be what you imagined, but it could be even better!

Pumpkinatmidnight · 04/12/2023 20:56

I wouldn't lecture you On being grateful etc but will say that I am in love with my son. We are easy in each other's company, he's more of a cuddler than my daughter and (v narcissistic of me I know) he looks just like me. I adore my daughter, and I am in love with my boy.

TurquoiseDress · 04/12/2023 20:57

Also just to add, I was a total tomboy growing up, into all sports and getting dirty & sweaty running around

I've never been a girly girl...perhaps this has influenced my feelings

Also, I became pregnant unexpectedly with my first, before this happened I had never given it much thought whether I'd one day have a boy or a girl...the whole concept of having a baby one day was so abstract/far in the distance that I never gave it any real thought!

For me, only after having a firstborn boy did I then realise I 'wanted' another boy, based on the experience with my first baby. It wasn't based on some concept/idea I had of what boys should/would be like.

PreesHeath · 04/12/2023 20:58

People are being very hard on you @Globenew but it will be alright in the end. You can’t help how you feel so you need to give yourself time to adjust. There are lots of amazing experiences that you can enjoy with any child, boy or girl. Can you think of something to look forward to with your lovely boy?

Original poster
Globenew · 04/12/2023 20:58

I am still here reading through the thread. Will reply to people once I’ve got to the end. Didn’t expect so many replies - thought maybe a couple of people might respond. I know I am awful for feeling this way. I am ashamed and that’s why I wanted to post to have support. I am sorry if it has upset people.

OP posts:
Pmd1 · 04/12/2023 20:58

This is disgraceful. You should be so bloody happy and lucky to have a healthy baby. Put him up for adoption if you are going to resent him.

Ttcafterlosses · 04/12/2023 20:58

As someone who has had 4 miscarriages I would give anything to make it to a 20 week scan and find that my baby’s heartbeat hadn’t stopped beating for an unexplained reason. Please count yourself lucky

wineoclock90 · 04/12/2023 20:59

Globenew · 04/12/2023 20:58

I am still here reading through the thread. Will reply to people once I’ve got to the end. Didn’t expect so many replies - thought maybe a couple of people might respond. I know I am awful for feeling this way. I am ashamed and that’s why I wanted to post to have support. I am sorry if it has upset people.

Don't apologise. Your feelings are valid. You will love your little boy.

amoobaa · 04/12/2023 20:59

Think about this for a moment:

When you criticise your children, they don’t stop loving you… They stop loving themselves.

You need to process and work through this so it doesn’t affect your son.

Your tiny baby boy currently experiences you as his whole universe. You are everything to him.

It sounds like you are too concerned with what others think.

My brother is my best friend.

You think you have lost something, but you haven’t. What you have is the most incredible experience waiting to unfold.

If you struggle to bond, seek really decent specialist therapy.

Congratulations.

I’ve just had another miscarriage and I’d do anything to be pregnant with a healthy baby.

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 21:00

I adore my younger brother. He was a dear little boy, and he grew into a fine, upstanding man and a wonderful friend to me. He was also a loyal and loving son to our mother.

My own and DH's son will not have the same experience. Albeit we are grateful for what we do have, sadly we were unable to have any more children.

As mothers, both my own mother and I, our boys have been a blessing and a rich addition to our lives. I hope you fall in love with your son as soon as you meet, and that you adore him as much as my mother did hers, and I do mine.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 04/12/2023 21:00

I always worry about the baby boys on these threads (they are always about boys!). My cousin has one of each and she is vile to her boy and dotes on her daughter, it's heartbreaking. Unfortunately not all mums with gender disappointment get over themselves. If you can't see the positives of raising a little boy and don't feel capable of being as good a mum to one then you need to decide whether it's a good idea to become a parent again.

If, however, you look past shitty gender stereotypes and see your children as human beings, not dollies or Disney princesses, you'll find you will love your children equally.

Littlestlargest · 04/12/2023 21:00

YABVVU
But you are aware of that.
Let these feelings go. A healthy pregnancy and baby at the end of it is a blessing.

Pumpkinatmidnight · 04/12/2023 21:01

Of more boys are unconditionally adored as babies and toddlers, taught to respect girls and women, right from wrong, whilst given the same tenderness and love a girl is given, maybe they will grow into less toxic men. Yes I'm afraid I do majority men as toxic, though more need that way, at home or\ and in society.

MagpieRest · 04/12/2023 21:02

Oh, I'm not going to have a go at you - you feel how you feel and children being up all sorts of very deep feelings we can't quite account for.

I'm just here to say that I have a boy and it's GREAT! Honestly, I don't think there would be much difference day to day if he were a girl or a boy. We're not 'gender neutral' bores, we're just not sexist wallies so he likes a mix of traditionally 'boy' thing and 'girl' things. Who knows what sort of little person you'll get.

My little boy absolutely adores his mummy in particular and is very affectionate, which doesn't hurt either! Honestly, I think you'll look back on this in a few years and laugh.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/12/2023 21:03

Ooh, you are in for a treat. Boys are the best, you will soon see for yourself. 😉

BananaSplitsss · 04/12/2023 21:03

Just wow.

This has fucked me off so much. I hope you read back when your beautiful boy is here and feel mortified.

What makes girls better than boys?? And I say that as a female.

I have two beautiful boys. No daughters . Just boys. And you know what- I would not change them for all the world.

They are humans. I grew them and they are ours . All ours . And I could not be prouder of them

Fucking hell. You are being so so unreasonable.

Custardslices · 04/12/2023 21:03

I hope you stop feeling like this and pretty bloody soon.

My dad hated me with a passion all my life because I was the youngest of 3 girls. They only had me in hopes I'd of been male...Well I wasn't and paid for it every day for 30 odd years. He manipulated every situation to my disadvantage.

Don't worry his legacy lives on where my sister and mother believed every spiteful word out of his gob.

So yeah sorry I have no sympathy for you. You knew it could be 50/50 chance the poor baby boy I feel sorry for.

Americano75 · 04/12/2023 21:03

Do you have any names picked out for your little boy, OP?

startledbypostmodernity · 04/12/2023 21:05

I think you need to make a conscious decision to be the best boy mum that you can. Start shopping for some cute boy outfits. Read the book "raising boys". You need to get your head where it needs to be.

TammyJones · 04/12/2023 21:06

aliceinanwonderland · 04/12/2023 19:34

Boys are wonderful ! Really affectionate as babies/toddlers/small children, stay sweet until the age of about 14 and then can be very close to their Mums in late teenage years. Please don’t be sad. You’ll be so pleasantly surprised

I'm very closed to my adult son, not so my daughter.

Lovemusic82 · 04/12/2023 21:06

Almost everyone in my family have had a boy and a girl, I was kind of disappointed that my 2nd was another girl and not a boy (already had one dd), I feel sad that I won’t know what it’s like to have a son but always knew there was high chance I would have another girl. I did get over it and love my DD’s to bits. As others have said “as long as baby is healthy that’s all that matters”.

MaggieBroonofGlebeSt · 04/12/2023 21:07

Usually ime it's the first time parents who are so adamant about the sex so I'm surprised you felt so strongly but anyway, no one will remember once he's born.
I wanted a girl and my first was a boy. I loved the world of wee boys and my DS is a delight. Second time around didn't mind, and had a girl. It made me a bit sad how many mums of boys said things about how they very envious as they'd wanted a girl. The constant theme was the girlie clothes, that your daughter is your best friend, etc etc but I never had that with my mum so I couldn't relate.
Ironically one of the reasons I wanted a girl was I thought they were easier (playing quietly in a corner with a dolly 😄) - my DD cured me of that belief.
Boys are great fun (as are girls of course!) so you'll have a ball.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 04/12/2023 21:07

YABVU - I would just be grateful to have a baby of mine survive, regardless of its bits.

Flamingos89 · 04/12/2023 21:08

As a mum of a boy who is literally EVERYTHING to me - This is really horrible to read. I won’t even list the endless ways he brightens my life and makes me complete because it sounds like you are not in the right frame of mind to even listen.

You really need to get a clue and snap out of this way of thinking asap! Your little boy deserves more from you! I hope you regret writing this when the little man is here as it’s cruel. PLEASE don’t tell these feelings to your daughter!!

Soubriquet · 04/12/2023 21:09

I never wanted a boy. I had dd first so when I got pregnant with my second, although I said I just hoped it was healthy, I secretly hoped for another girl. When it was a boy, dh was chuffed to bits and I put on a brave face but I was really upset. When he was born though…omg I loved him instantly. I never had that rush of love with dd, but with ds I did. We were so close when he was a baby and toddler. He’s 8 now and not really a mummy’s boy anymore but he’s still so special to me.