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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
fruitypancake · 04/12/2023 22:14

You will feel differently the very minute he is born and you hold him in your arms. I have 2 boys and they are absolute angels who I adore more than life itself

TrixieFatell · 04/12/2023 22:14

I only had experiences of girls. Was totally expecting another girl with my.last pregnancy and was shocked when they handed me a boy (we didn't find out before birth). I wasn't wanting a boy, all boys I knew were rough and tumble and loud.

It's been brilliant. I love being a mum to girls and I love being a mum to boys. It's such a different relationship. He's very loving, kind and affectionate. I feel I have the best of both worlds.

For what it's worth me and my sister were not Elsa and Anna. We used to beat the shit out of eachother. Adore her now we are adults but we did not have the best relationship when younger.

Noone really gets as excited about subsequent pregnancies, no matter the sex of the baby.

PurpleBugz · 04/12/2023 22:15

I know how you feel. I was really upset over the sex of my youngest. People say at least they are healthy and all that sort of stuff and it only adds to your feelings of guilt. What I will say is you will still love this kid and once you know them you won't want to change them, the idea of trading them in to get the sex you want will upset you. But personally I still wish mine was the opposite sex, I don't think that will ever change for me. The main thing is you love the kid and don't let them suffer because of your disappointment. I grew up with a mother who clearly preferred her son- that does damage. My child may not be what I wanted initially but I love them just as much as the others. Trust that- you will be ok

Orphlids · 04/12/2023 22:18

While reading this thread, I started thinking about my own little boy, six, who is sleeping in the next room. And the sudden mental image I had of him was so wonderful - his purity, his goodness, his kindness, his innocence, his vulnerability, his empathy - that I suddenly found myself blinking back tears. I’m not at all a sentimental woman, but my love for that little chap is all consuming. As yours will be for your own son. And to think I wanted a girl!

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 22:18

i hear you @Globenew I still feel sad for my dd that she didn't get a sister either. like me. my son was a gorgeous little boy mind you. gorgeous. people did comment on it. He was a handful and has withdrawn from me in his teenage years. So I wonder if it was like a premonition. I sometimes think though, if i'd had two girls maybe they'd be really close to each other? who knows.

SuspiciousSue · 04/12/2023 22:19

Well, I’ve always wanted a girl and I’ll never have one so in my eyes you’re the lucky one 🤷‍♀️ I absolutely adore my son but I couldn’t have another one for medical reasons so never even got the opportunity to ‘spin the dice’ for another baby. I could have had 6 boys for all I know but at least I’d have tried! Be grateful, as I am. Some women can’t even have one baby whereas you’ll have two!!

Skimbleshanks00 · 04/12/2023 22:20

I totally understand, and I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my son. I had always wanted a sister and had three brothers, so I was desperate for my daughter to have the sister I never had. I have never really been into “boy” things and worried that I wouldn’t be a good mum to him.

However, that was all before I met my son and now I’m so happy that I have one of each. They have the funniest relationship, and my son is an absolute blessing to us all. He’s loving, sensitive and caring, just as his sister is, he has an huge passion for animals, and he makes us laugh constantly with his constant questions. And this mum, who simply couldn’t imagine doing or enjoying “boy” things, now has a season ticket to the football and I’m possibly even more into it than my son is. I certainly didn’t see that coming!

I guess what I’m saying is please remember that you haven’t met your son yet. Once you have, you will realise what a wonderful person he is in his own right. Most people I know with sisters didn’t have the best relationship with them growing up, so don’t get sucked into a fictional ideal of how things would have been. I feel dreadful when I think back to how disappointed I was when I found out I was having a boy. It wasn’t the vision I had for my future, but I was so wrong. Over time you will meet him and realise just how much love you have for him, just as you do for your daughter. Little boys are fantastic.

gemloving · 04/12/2023 22:23

Without wanting to make you feel bad, I had 3 boys and the last was stillborn. When your baby dies, it puts things into perspective how it never mattered in the first place.

CeCeDrake · 04/12/2023 22:23

There is this misconception that if you have girls that you have ready made best friends but this is not a given! I have boys and they are without a doubt, even as children, my absolute best friends, they are so loving, gentle, kind, yes they are loud and have lots of energy but that means they are healthy and fun and exciting, your daughter is going to have such a wonderful life with a brother, he will bring so much adventure to her life!

ASouthPoleElf · 04/12/2023 22:25

I’m really surprised to read this because, to me, one of each is perfect. I felt like I’d hit the jackpot when I got one of each.
I never wanted 2 girls because all the women I know who have a sister fought horribly with each other and none are as close as I am with my brother.

Camerasforinthehouse · 04/12/2023 22:25

Hoppyhops · 04/12/2023 21:56

Light hearted but don’t forget that Anna and Elsa don’t speak to each other for half of 1 film and then Elsa spends the rest of the other film trying to get away from Anna to live somewhere else. Not the most idealistic sisterly relationship!

Ha ha. Yes. That’s true.

I have a sister and we never got on. We are chalk and cheese. I always wished I’d had a big brother.

ShelleyCarpenter · 04/12/2023 22:28

Moomoo75 · 04/12/2023 19:39

Believe me . Little boys love their mums in a way that little girls Don't. It will catch you by surprise and fill you with warmth. Girls are fabulous too but there is something special about boys. You have it all to look forward to.

100% this

Nannyfannybanny · 04/12/2023 22:28

Sex is male or female, gender is a socially constructed role.

Londisc · 04/12/2023 22:29

ShelleyCarpenter · 04/12/2023 22:28

100% this

Show quote history

What's your explanation for this?

Cravingsgalore · 04/12/2023 22:31

I'm cuddling my little boy in bed right now. He's 6 months old and it's been the best 6 months of my life. I just found out that I am having a little girl (got a Nipt test so found out early), I can honestly tell you, I would have been just as happy if it were another boy. I feel extremely lucky that I have been given the opportunity to parent both a boy and a girl and experience all the things that come with having one of each. I'm a bit surprised that you're so distraught about having one of each, that's what most people wish for?

MrsPatrickDempsey · 04/12/2023 22:33

I knew how you feel until my baby boy was placed in my arms. Mine was a fear; an ignorance; a prejudice against boys and I was totally wrong. What exactly is it that you are unhappy about? What is so bad about boys?
I have the closest relationship with my son. He is the most caring, empathetic and emotionally intelligent young man ever and I wouldn't change him for the world. Don't write off boys until you have one.

Flump8 · 04/12/2023 22:34

Sister-sister relationships are the WORST from my experience. Your daughter will be soo happy she has a brother once she sees her girl pals and their sisters at each others throats through those long, long teenage years.

BusiBo · 04/12/2023 22:34

Oh come on! Really, listen to yourself!?

I'd do anything just to have one baby right now.

I get that some thoughts you just can't shake, but you've got a healthy baby on the way, you should be buzzing!!

oakleaffy · 04/12/2023 22:40

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

No one is ever as 'Excited' about a second or subsequent pregnancy.

Just be massively thankful that you {hopefully} have a healthy child.

I pity your son if you carry on with this absolute nonsense about gender.

IGiveUpalready · 04/12/2023 22:43

I still remember how disappointed I was to discover I was expecting another girl. Really really crushed and was very glad to have found out before hand so I could work out those feelings. I did go on to have boys. The girls fight like cats and dogs, the boys are calmer and much more loving - its weird and nice having both.
Both girls prefer their brother(s) company over each other.

Work through your feelings now and laugh at yourself when he is here happy and healthy and you love him to bits :D

allgood3 · 04/12/2023 22:48

WomensRightsRenegade glad you're here. I said the same and got told I had " a bee in my bonnet"
I agree with all of those saying boys are wonderful, I have one! I do have a problem with all the posts that think it's a safe space to say :
a) there are more negative posts about parenting a boy
b) boys are more affectionate
c) it's okay to follow those two up with a negative comment about parenting a daughter/ hating your sister

PerspiringElizabeth

" It’s always boys 🙄

Look, he’ll be the only grandson by the sounds of it. How special. 2 of the same is so boring. I have a sister and we’re not close. I have 2 boys and they are soooooo much cuddlier than their sister. There is literally nothing to dislike about them. You can raise an amazing man. You can!"

Abhannmor · 04/12/2023 22:49

TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2023 19:47

With my last pregnancy they discovered the baby had a 16mm hole in his heart and couldn't find his pulmonary arteries, he only had one kidney in the wrong place and had scaring on his brain from a stroke he had in utero.

You should practice some gratitude for a healthy baby op.

💐 💐

Starryskies1 · 04/12/2023 22:51

I have a sister. I had a little girl and wouldn’t have minded a girl as that is what I knew. However I had a baby boy. And he was a dream baby! Plus so affectionate. He is older now and still lovely. I’m glad I got to experience having both I feel so grateful!

Channellingsophistication · 04/12/2023 22:51

Practice gratitude. I was never able to have a second child but am grateful every day for the one I have. I think your feelings will change once he arrives. Boys are wonderfully loving and straightforward! Girls dont always get along!

LuluBlakey1 · 04/12/2023 22:51

We have DS1- who is delightful and always has been - easy, kind, funny, loving, clever, a thinker and good with other children as well as adults.
DD - who is quirky, funny, independent, generous, creative and can be bloody awkward and stubborn (but I wouldn't swop her for anything)
DS2 - who is very loving, affectionate, a bit young for his age (4 1/2) and the 'baby' and not at all like the other 2 academically.
I don't think we were bothered what any of them were- boy or girl. Just glad they were here and healthy.

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