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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with a boy and upset

524 replies

Globenew · 04/12/2023 19:25

I know IABU but I just don’t know how to stop feeling this way! I need some home truths and some advice if anyone else has felt this way.

I have a daughter already and have recently found out that pregnant with a baby boy. I feel awful about feeling this way but I am really upset. I have only ever wanted girls and so decided to stop at 1 when I got pregnant with a girl frost time.

This pregnancy caught us by surprise. I know that logically I am very lucky. But I don’t feel this way. My sister in law (we are married to brothers) has 2 daughters and we saw them at in laws on Saturday and it brought all the feelings back up again. (I have been trying to think positively and get over myself but now can’t stop thinking about it again)

I feel short changed. And like she has had it fall perfectly for her. My nieces were talking about how they’re Elsa and Anna and I felt so jealous for my DD. I also feel embarrassed because I made no secret of how happy I was to have a girl and that I didn’t want boys. So now I look a fool.

No one seems as excited about my pregnancy and I feel like if it was a girl they would be.

I am not sure if I’m making much sense but it has helped to write it out.

How can I stop feeling this way.

OP posts:
Strawberrycheesecake7 · 04/12/2023 21:27

A lot of people want to experience both genders. Your SIL may well be a little jealous of you because you have one of each and she only has girls. You can’t help how you feel I suppose, but I would really try to get over this before the baby comes. It’s not fair on him, or on your daughter if you teach her to think of her brother as something negative. If it helps at all, my baby is a boy and he is absolutely perfect, everything I’ve always wanted. I wouldn’t swap him for 2 girls or 10 girls.

Crikeycroc · 04/12/2023 21:28

I don’t know what the solution is but I’m in a very similar situation and feel much the same as you.
I have one DD who is a joy but I wasn’t keen on having a second. I got pregnant accidentally and DH was so excited that I didn’t have the heart to talk about abortion without his support. Finding out the baby was a boy at 15 weeks was crushing. My father left when I was a baby and I had a stepfather who didn’t like me very much . My brother was the favourite of both parents and my experience with most men is fairly negative so it’s always in the back of my mind that I might have a son who becomes a bad man.
I’m 32 weeks now and whilst I still feel pangs of sadness from time to time it has settled and I mostly feel ambivalent about the situation. I have tried to tell myself that it will be better for my DD not to feel she has to compete with a sister but I’m not sure I believe that. It’s hard.

redfacebigdisgrace · 04/12/2023 21:28

Awww little boys are gorgeous. They really love their mums. It will be lovely to have one of each. It’s OK to feel as you do but try to look for the positives. It’s lovely for your partner too. Most men would love a boy. You’ll feel better once he arrives. 💙

Diamondcurtains · 04/12/2023 21:28

Goodornot · 04/12/2023 19:34

My sister and I hate each other if that helps. Childhood from hell with her constant bullying.

I'll have him if you don't want him. I can't have kids.

Same! 3 sisters and I dint talk or get on with any if them.

Hattie89 · 04/12/2023 21:29

newfriend05 · 04/12/2023 21:25

A girl and a boy and your complaining.. I know gender disappointment is a thing but seriously .I have no nice words for you !

I realised some people are never happy a couple of years ago when a friend with one son and one daughter was disappointed as she had a brother and a sister herself and her boy and girl wouldn’t get to experience having a sister AND a brother like she did. 🙄

Diamondcurtains · 04/12/2023 21:31

I would have been very happy with all boys but was equally happy to have a girl.

if I were you I’d be grateful that you are having a healthy baby.

Pippa12 · 04/12/2023 21:32

Gosh. This thread has made me want to grab my precious little boy and tell him (again!) how much I absolutely love, cherish and adore every cm of him. So many threads about not ‘wanting a boy’. i just don’t understand how mothers can turn their nose up at a blessing. To me, it’s heartbreaking.

BeardyButton · 04/12/2023 21:34

God I love my boy. He is wonderous. So affectionate. Adores his mommy. Funny. Wild. I cannot imagine being disappointed with him. I remember wanting a girl. It seems like a distant memory. I would not have him any other way. I bet when he arrives you ll feel the same way. Boys are fantastic. If I ever had another I’d want another boy.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 04/12/2023 21:34

I have a more useful anecdote, actually. My eldest is quiet, thoughtful, and absolutely dotes on younger children. He is patient and wise beyond his years. He loves reading and gymnastics. If he'd been a girl, I would have put all of this down to being female.

My youngest is dramatic, emotional, cuddly to the point of imitating a human plaster, loves singing and dancing and making me pretend to be his baby. If he'd been a girl, I would have put all of this down to being female.

Incidentally, I'm really into football, and neither of them have any interest in it. All you know right now is that your little person has a willy and balls. The rest is up to him... and you.

redfacebigdisgrace · 04/12/2023 21:35

Ahhh all this boy love is so nice. 💙 Go easy on the OP everyone. She’s a human being with feelings.

Seadreamers · 04/12/2023 21:35

You need to change your mindset and be grateful that you are able to have a baby, as many people will be offended by your obvious dislike of having a boy.

I have a boy and wouldn’t change him for the world. I didn’t care either way what I was having and we chose not to find out the sex as we wanted a surprise (yes, I know it was 50/50).

There seems to be so much hype these days over going for gender scans as soon as possible, gender reveal parties etc - and so much disappointment voiced over a baby’s sex. It’s sad that in this supposedly enlightened age that there are still people objecting to their unborn baby’s sex.

EarthSight · 04/12/2023 21:37

tabbymctwat · 04/12/2023 19:41

Why do boys get such a raw deal on MN?! You never get people on here moaning about having a girl. I think some women have this romanticised image of going on girly shopping days and having their nails done together, but you’re having a child with their own wants and needs, not a doll!! As you can probably tell, I’m a mum to boys and they are wonderful - they might never want to go shopping with me (or maybe they will, who knows?) but they are amazing, funny, loving boys and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I bet I’d have been equally happy had I been a mum to girls though, as I’d have loved that too - it might have been very different but I’m sure it would be just as wonderful. It may not match the image in your head but please stop thinking of a boy as some sort of failure, my family is every bit as perfect as those with girls.

you’re having a child with their own wants and needs, not a doll

I would occasionally say this to my mum when I was a teenager as I did truly feel like this, to the point that I told her I wasn't a poodle for her to show off to people She was fine when I was under 10. No pressure to be girly at all, but as soon as I reached my teens she clearly wanted this type of relationship. She really wanted me to have a handbag rather than a backpack, said it was a shame I didn't wear jewellery, didn't understand why I had no interest in getting new clothes at Christmas as I just wanted books and music.

My father however clearly wanted boys and I might as well have been an alien species to him. He never changed. Even now, the conversation is either him bullying me in some way and mostly enjoying it, or awkward small talk.

The result is that I felt criticised or unwanted as the person that I naturally was all the time,

Enko · 04/12/2023 21:37

OP I had this idea I would know how to parent girls and not how to cope with a boy. Ds is 21 and I am closer to him than his sisters.

The bond and strength of love I feel for him is no less than what I feel for his sisters.

He is fecking amazing.. funny easy to spend time with great company and
just the most amazing brother to his sisters.

They have a snapchat group chat he named it its called " Ive got all my sisters with me"

I would not be without this amazing being for the world. Honestly, in a years time you will feel the same and the disappointment will go.

About a year ago his sisters were teasing him when his dad walked in and asked " what are you laughing about " dd1 replied " we are saying DS is a mummys boy"
Dh replied " Isnt he just" and yes,. yes He is and I love it.. (the girls are all daddies girls so its all good)

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 04/12/2023 21:38

OP I also desperately wanted girls.

Be thankful you already have a girl first. You will be ok when your son is born.

AngryBird6122 · 04/12/2023 21:39

OP, you don't need to feel ashamed. you feel how you feel.

But, I always wanted girls and I have one of each. My son is so loving, funny, and just amazing, the real light of my life and the family (as is DD)

it will be fine!

Oilyoilyoilgob · 04/12/2023 21:39

As someone 5 years in trying unsuccessfully to have a baby, along with ivf and miscarriages, this makes me so sad to see. There’s been a similar thread a couple of weeks ago and I said the same thing-you’re entitled to feel how you feel but please, please also count your blessings that you’ve made it to a scan with a healthy baby. I’d give anything for a boy or girl.

madamovaries · 04/12/2023 21:39

I thought I wanted girls too, although I should add that I wasn’t very upset about getting two boys (almost 3 now and 7 months). They are both wonderful and of course I wouldn’t swap them for a girl now! The almost 3 year old is kind, loving funny and adorable. Really sex has v little to do with personality. Your boy will be wonderful. You’ve acknowledged the feeling, but don’t be consumed by it. I count myself lucky that I got pregnant relatively easily and have two lovely boys.

also girls can be close to their brothers or not close to their sisters.

StaunchMomma · 04/12/2023 21:40

Sorry OP but I think your attitude is vile.

You know there are women here who are desperate to have a baby. You also know it's a 50-50 chance whether you have a boy or a girl so it's hardly a surprise.

To say you feel 'short changed' because you're having a boy is just an awful thing to say.

Stop being so entitled, FFS.

LongLostTeacher · 04/12/2023 21:41

@Globenew

I am so glad I didn’t find out the sex when I was having DS. I never told anyone and probably wouldn’t admit in real life even now, but I wanted girls. I had DD then quickly fell pregnant with DS. I found out during my section I was having DS (just as he was being wrestled out and the Anaesthetist asked permission to tell us). It makes me cringe to admit, I had a moment of disappointment and sadness. I thought of DD and wondered how she would get along with a brother instead of the image I had in my mind of her with a sister. I had to let go of my own image of my motherhood surrounded by girls.

But then he was born and laid in my arms and my sorrow melted away. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. I have loved and adored him since. He and my DD, at 9 and 11 respectively, are best friends still, I needn’t have worried they wouldn’t get along, they get on so well and I count my blessing for that.

My point is, if I had found out his sex at 16 or 20 or whenever it is, I would have held that feeling of disappointment all that time until I met him. It would have affected my feelings during pregnancy so much. My advice to you is to have faith that you will love and adore him and that that alone will sweep away the disappointment. You were brave to come on her because so many people have other experiences that will understandably colour their feelings about yours, but you are allowed to feel them. I would give yourself some time, maybe a couple of days or weeks, to feel those feelings and then say to yourself that you cannot judge this lovely person you have not yet met and simply focus on the arrival of your baby.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/12/2023 21:41

Would have given my right arm for a son - was so desperate for a 2nd baby but it never happened for me.

IfYouDontAsk · 04/12/2023 21:41

I feel short changed.

Utterly shameful thing to say. The number of women absolutely desperate to have a baby and would kill to be in your shoes. I don’t think you need softly, softly comments. I am think you need a huge wake up call and some therapy before the baby arrives. Parents like you cause lifelong emotional damage to their children who are only too aware that their parents wished they were the opposite sex. It’s not fair on the child.

allgood3 · 04/12/2023 21:41

Stickystickystick "bee in your bonnet" is a terribly patronising phrase. I'm making an observation based on many years on MN . Saying boys are more cuddly, love their mums more is a stereotype just as much as saying girls will love to go on shopping trips with you . I don't believe either are true, just that children are children and you'll have a unique relationship with each one based on personality. I have no investment, I have both , and a healthy loving relationship with both. I do eye roll at the stereotypes coming out to say how much better one sex ( boys ) is than another.

StaunchMomma · 04/12/2023 21:41

Pippa12 · 04/12/2023 21:32

Gosh. This thread has made me want to grab my precious little boy and tell him (again!) how much I absolutely love, cherish and adore every cm of him. So many threads about not ‘wanting a boy’. i just don’t understand how mothers can turn their nose up at a blessing. To me, it’s heartbreaking.

100%

It's a horrid way to behave.

Sherrystrull · 04/12/2023 21:43

My boys are the best. I hate that they're seen as a disappointment.

Echobelly · 04/12/2023 21:43

As people have said, you can't predict anything. Your little boy might want to be Ana to his sister's Elsa, if you were having a girl she might not get on with her sister at all. I think mostly you need to let go of preconceptions - he will be his own person and you'll love him and he'll love you.

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